AIBU to be sad about how we started?

[Sadandconfusedaboutit]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for just over a year now.

It started off amazing but after a few weeks we nearly split up because his ex wasn’t over him. She constantly contacted him to the point of harassment, which got worse when he told her that he had met someone (me) and that they couldn’t remain friends. She then started fb stalking me, trying to friend me and asking about us through mutual friends. I got fed up of the drama and decided to cut my losses and end things. I really liked him but it was still really new and I didn’t need all that. Anyway I decided to stay and give things a chance when he threatened to report her for harassment and she stopped and had left us alone since.

However it took a toll on our very new relationship and we never had a proper honeymoon period. You know, when you’re just totally into each other band everything is amazing without a care in the world and all you want to do is rip each other’s clothes off and spend every waking hour together. It was all serious conversations, me saying why I didn’t want to get involved and him trying to convince me to give it a chance. Not much fun.

Fast forward a year and we’re stronger than ever these days, have a great relationship and are seriously talking marriage. We have fun and love each other dearly.

But AIBU to feel sad that we were robbed of that early flush of romance? We never had the kind of hot sex that you only have at the beginning of a relationship. Or the walking on air that you’ve met the love of your life. What we have instead is the kind of relationship that is stable and solid and the kind that lasts which I appreciate massively. But I still get sad sometimes that we missed out on the early flushes of love stage.

Well you could live your life regretting what didn't happen in the past. Or you could focus on what you have and how you feel today. It doesn't sound as if those circumstances were within either of your control, so nothing to look back on and learn from.
If you have trouble letting go of things, why not look into mindfulness/meditation/yoga?

To be clear there was no overlap at all. They split up six months before he met me.

Maybe that just wasn’t there though? In my experience, a bit of fraughtness and drama usually heightens the honeymoon period and the hot sex, not dampens it...

Yes I thought that. It might not be the circumstances at all. Maybe it’s just not a passionate relationship and never would have been.

@DianaT1969 Yes, maybe I need to relax and let it go.

@TheFifthKey I’m not sure that is true of me personally tbh. I just want a peaceful life. The reason why I nearly walked is because I loathed the drama his ex was creating. It is a real turn off for me. Not a turn on.

Could you be the one to initiate? Inspired by another thread I just read, could you wine and dine him, book a holiday/weekend away for a bit of holiday romance, start ripping his clothes off (consensually ), taking him. By surprise etc? No idea what your life situation is though so might not be feasible.

That’s an interesting theory @Variousartists

I would say that there definitely is passion in our relationship though I’d say it’s more of a slow burning type rather than obvious fireworks. But that works for me.

I suppose I am thinking that we would have settled into the relationship that we have now. But that I would have like the early stages to have been happier and more fun.

It's a shame that you didn't have the honeymoon period that you speak of...How about creating that flush now but with the added stability of an actual solid relationship as a foundation?
Sex can be hotter with someone you are solid with, in fact it can get hotter the more you grow as a unit. I speak from experience.

You can lament what you didn't have or make it happen for you here and now. You'll both feel good for it and he's clearly committed to you because it seems he's fought to keep the relationship from the very early stages.

@IHRL55 I find your post really reassuring. Thank you. How do I go about creating it now? I’ve never been in this situation before so I wouldn’t even know where to begin!

@Sadandconfusedaboutit, my DH and I know that we can't have the hot sex without the deep love we share and we can't sustain the deep love without the hot sex, the 2 go hand in hand if that makes sense. (Bar medical/MH issues).
If we're focusing on the sex element only then for me it was learning to be confident in my own sexuality, initiating a lot more and actually seeing myself through my DH's eyes and believing him when he says I'm the most beautiful and sexy woman he's ever met (I'm really not!) I also learned to stop looking to him to set my sexual expectations. I am not a natural born sex beast (who is!) so I really had to find what works for me and because we have the emotion and the chemistry, the end results are pretty much always powerful and sometimes surprising. We always surely it can't get any better? And actually as time goes on, it does. We try and not look at history (DH and I had a horrific start due to issues with my ex-husband and his ex-wife which were ongoing before we even met) where our first 6 months as a couple were so heavy on the dealing with issues, we had no real fun or that honeymoon period. But remaining together, fighting for one another in the sense that we kept working on it based on how we felt, it was so, so worth it and now we really look at that time and see it as building blocks.
I always think if we could get through that, and see how much we value and want one another DESPITE all of the shit, we can get through anything.

I also understand the resentment element, my DH's ex-wife made my life hell (think paying someone to attack me) purely because he was with someone else and serious about me and I often used to feel anger at how much 'shit' I had to put up with because of what he bought into my life. But I don't think like that anymore, it was a really negative cycle. It was my CHOICE to remain with him and work at our relationship and the odd thing was, we as a couple didn't have problems as such, it was outside forces and that was hard to get my head around.

I look upon it now that I would never, ever be without him. He really does make me feel like an absolute goddess (cringe I know!) and the sex between us better than ever because we have such a deep and emotional foundation, we're solid.
Can you imagine the 'hot sex' with someone you have no emotional attachment to? I know I can't.

Please be kind to yourself, give it time and talk to him but try and not blame him. Beyond that, really thinking about tapping into your sexy persona (if he responds to that kind of thing) and look forward to building a future with lots of hot sex and laughter and leave the past where it belongs, in the past.

I like to think I am not only a lady on the street (highly conservative upbringing and adult life) but a freak between the sheets and I love both persona's, my DH is the only person who sees the freaky side of me, thank god! I think most others would be scarred!

I think you've done fantastically well to maintain the relationship. As someone else has previously said, maybe it wouldn't have been a highly passionate start anyway regardless of his crazy ex.

I had issues with my ex where things were far too serious at the beginning but we didn't make it, as much as we both hoped we would.

I don't think you should worry about the lack of honeymoon period, it sounds like you have a good and stable relationship which is much more important.

IHRL55

That is a fantastic post, thank you very much! There are lots of similarity in your beginning that gives me hope that I can get to where you are now too.

My DP and his wife had only separated a few months before we met. We were meant to be a bit of fun, nothing serious (that was 4 years ago now).

She contacted him, she wanted them to go to counseling, work things out, get back together, he said no, so she got suspicious. She got my number (we assume she logged into his phone account to see who he was contacting) her, her sisters, her friends etc all started contacting me saying that they were getting back together, they were away for the weekend sorting it all out (he was sitting beside me) and all this shit. His own friends all stopped contacting him, as their wifes were her friends and they were told too. It was so hard for us both I tried to walk away, but he would not let me.

Apparently (according to her) I ruined the marriage (hmmm....he left you before I came on the scene...Ex fucked up the marriage herself)

We too were robbed of our "honeymoon period" but 4 years later we are still mad for each other.

At first even his family though he should work it out with her, that hurt, a lot. Even after they had first met me. But I wasn't myself. I knew I was being measured up against her. Thankfully his family now believe that I am much better for him than she ever was.

Just because you aren't ripping each others clothes off at any given second and spending every second together, does not make your relationship any less magical. Do not be sad and confused about it at all!

Kind of rings alarm bells for me about the 'crazy ex', was he with her when you met or something? My ex did that to me, cheated and left fo someone else and then labelled me as crazy. I had no idea what was going on so was contacting him to sort out our home etc.

Are you worried about something? Best just to go forward now and stop looking back.

Good luck.

Just saw the post saying 6 months.

Well who know. How long were they together? I'm always suspicious of an ex being labelled crazy, there's always more to it in most cases.

To be fair Sausage, he has never labelled her as being crazy. If anything part of my problem with it all was how sympathetic I thought he was being towards her. ie ignoring her calls and sm posts rather than actively blocking her (which he eventually did), excusing her behaviour as being part of her ongoing boundary issues stemming from her over-indulgent parents etc. It was when she started targeting me that he said “enough” and threatened to report her for harassment.

They were only together six months but had known each other through mutual friends for years. She is known as being sweet but very unstable.

I've been with my husband for nearly 20 years, I'm super happy with him, in fact, this may be our 3rd or 4th honeymoon period. Most relationships get stronger by going through some stress together, you both know you can get through difficulties, that's a very good feeling for a long-term relationship.