Hi, I'm just looking for advice on this one and also to write it all down somewhere and stop it going round and round in my head.
Last July my husband moved out. For me it came out of the blue. I knew he'd been struggling with his mental health for a while, but I had too and so just tried to be as supportive as I could. We talked rather than argued and he went back to his mums, I was relieved as he'd mentioned some thoughts that could be suicidal and I wanted him to have somewhere to go that he felt safe. The most important thing for me was that the kids had their Dad. We'd been together for 12 years, married for 8 and have two kids age 3 and 6.
It was the summer holidays and I, quite understandably I think, got upset, angry and cried a lot although I tried to avoid doing this with the kids around. But we also managed a few days out together with the kids. I thought at the time that this was positive and a sign that we could work through this.
Fast forward 6 months to 2019 and he's not moved back. He sees the kids 5 days a week, and talks to them in a video call the other two. They stay at his mums with him one night a week, and he makes dinner for them after school at the house 2 nights a week. We've fallen into a routine of being not together. He sometimes stays the night sleeping on the couch if one of the kids is ill or last year when I had concussion (I fainted, probably due to stress) and he stayed over the Christmas holidays. I've gone from wanting him there to finding it a bit annoying.
I just don't know what to do next. Sometimes he says I make him angry. Apparently I have made him feel trapped by saying that we need his income in order to afford the house. He's also made passing comments about I'm lucky he's still contributing to the house (we have a joint mortgage and both work full time). Apparently I'm also "always ill" as though I might be at it, although I have been genuinely ill for much of the past few years (childbirth, post-natal depression, abnormal smear test requiring day surgery and lots of follow ups, infected gallbladder removed). I've come to the point where I don't think our marriage is salvagable; I'm tired of being understanding (especially when he is off out every weekend while I'm wondering if I can afford next week's food shop), I feel like I can't trust him to pay his way in the long term and I really need to start moving forward with my life. Everything is on pause.
So far I've only talked about me, but it's really affecting our kids too. It breaks my heart to talk to them about it and try to answer their questions in a neutral way. Our son is angry at his Dad and not sure how to process it. Our daughter is having seperation anxiety and nightmares.
So, if you have been through this before, what can you suggest? Do I go to a solicitor and if so what sorts of things have you done/got put in place in this position? How can I help my kids? How do I financially protect myself, keeping in mind that I need his income and we have some debt between us. Thank you.