“ I don’t feel as though I am the most important thing in your life. I feel you put your work before me. I think you give your mum more respect than you give me. I think you do very little to help me, support me, show you care. Apart from the money and working hard I hear you say but if that disappeared tomorrow what would be left? What do you do for me that isn’t work or money”
“You make me doubt myself and instead of feeling confident in my thoughts and feelings I have to seek reassurance elsewhere - you cannot & should not tell me I am wrong for feeling a certain way”
“After giving you the opportunity to discuss things you state you are too tired - instead of taking the opportunity to talk things through you reject me and so now we will start the week not speaking”
“ x was also going to France on the 11 which he thought he had told me about but hadn’t. I became extremely angry - yet again it seemed as though his work was coming before us - last year I had spent Valentine’s Day and my birthday on my own whilst he had been socialising with his work colleagues”
“ I do this to you all - where were you when I needed you you left me all alone with nowhere to turn - x you of all people let me down - I tried to share my feelings and thoughts with you but you were too naive to be able to handle them - good luck with the job - I hope it makes you happy,”
“X do you not think it strange that ive barricaded myself in my room? Do you not ask yourself what is going on?”
“ doesnt take home responsibilities seriously -never puts rubbish out unless I remind him - doesn’t work at marriage - needs to in same way deals with brokers - I’m the broker he doesn’t call on, doesn’t thank for business, cancels appointments, doesn’t invite on social functions - eventually broker stops dealing with him”
“Cook you meals in the evening- speak to you on phone on way home and you’re starving - by the time you get in no longer hungry and not want to eat what I’ve cooked you - why because you’ve stopped off at garage and filled up with chocolate”
“And dont forget its because I’m (x) so successful and earning good money that you’ve been able to be off work for so long ( with PTSD) if I wasn’t doing such a good job the pressure would have been on you to get back to work a lot sooner”
“I want people to know what price you put on your job - today may be the day - you can clear off and leave me- perhaps you hope that’s what I’ll do and then you can’t say I was ill and you were right all along - I hear those voices sing to me sweetly- let everyone know mr perfect let his wife top herself - mr no 1 mr do anything for his brokers - he knew she was depressed -she told him she had felt suicidal before he left her barricaded in her room and went out - was he concerned, did he ask anyone else for help - no he ignored situation”
Re the MIL
“I find it difficult to understand why you try and keep things from me ...it hurts much more to find out afterwards or by accident that something is happening/ has happened - it feels like you are playing games with me. I Was angry when I found out that you had taken your friends to see our new house - I do not understand why you do not mention it when I speak to you on the phone - I find this strange - it is only later I find out you have spoken to X and he has told you not to mention it. I do not like it that you are discussing things that involve me behind my back and deciding what I should or shouldn’t know”
I came across these notes clearing out old boxes along with referral to psyche team back in 98/99. I thought I’d chucked it all - there was more
I’ve always said I didn’t know my marriage was abusive until after x left - but deep down I knew something wasn’t right - all these snippets - stonewalling, gaslighting, financial dominance, disrespect.
Abuse doesn’t happen to people like me - from people like x - mr personality of the year 2018!
But it clearly does - dismisses his kids needs, dismisses his Ds claims of suicide - dismisses his dd’s choices as ‘not normal’, controls her money he owes her - won’t contribute to his Ds school fees but will take him to parents evening to hear how well he’s doing ( hopefully)
The legal ombudsman called the police on me last week - won’t believe what I’m telling them re my solicitor and barrister, won’t believe when I tell them I need more time because my depression is at an all time low and I can’t get out of bed most days - but as soon as I mention I’m feeling suicidal police are at my door - so if they believe this and can act on it why can’t they believe everything else I’ve said and act on it too!
My head is back where it was 20 years ago - counselling was all around work then - did anyone ask about my marriage - perhaps if they had I would have had the courage to leave - my body was screaming at me just as it is now - would anyone have believed me I doubt it - have I realised things for myself - only after going to hell and back for the second time - am I going to let my kids figure out for themselves what is abuse and what isn’t - nah because abuse doesn’t happen to kids like them with a successful professional father - and pigs fly too!