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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Advice needed

9 replies

h2019 · 06/02/2019 11:19

So here goes 😩
I’ve been with my partner 11 years not what have all been a bed of roses. Me and my partner have split several times during these 11 years in which my oh has moved out etc. He has a bad coke problem and I don’t take drugs so could not tolerate his behaviour. During the relationship I have numerous times caught him txting other girls (some from his past) and he always says they’re just friends and even tho he knows it upsets me he’s done it over and over.. so when we split most recently I started seeing a guy I used to be with but decided it didn’t work and left it there.
I found out my ex had been in contact with his ex gf who I do not like and he had even been txting her friends trying to chase her, when I found out he went absolutely crazy that I knew and turned it all on me.. we now have both agreed to stay out of each other’s business. So the other night after a few drinks I met up with a guy I’ve known since I was a teenager (I’m not 30) and we ended up sleeping together. I’m absolutely mortified as I have never ever had a one night stand I’m not like that. But because I’ve been feeling lonely and insecure I went with it! Not a clever move I know. The problem I have is I’m so worried about it getting back to my other half as he is very unpredictable and makes me feel like absolute shit!!! The area we live in is quite small and everyone knows everyone. However this guy has said he won’t say anything ?? My other problem is I feel so awful and guilty about it.. like it’s eating me up and giving me major anxiety !!!!! I kinda feel like being honest but then I know that probably ain’t the greatest thing. My problem is I’m blind sighted by anxiety and anyone who knows me knows ima natural worrier..
Advice please

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 06/02/2019 11:38

Your Op is a bit confusing are you still with your DP or have you split up? If you've split up then what's the problem?

h2019 · 06/02/2019 11:48

No we’ve separated he’s moved out etc but he’s so possessive over me and because I was with him so long I naturally feel unnatural having moved on so !!

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 06/02/2019 11:50

I think you need to move on but you sound like you'd rather be back in what sounds like a pretty toxic relationship?

Dirtybadger · 06/02/2019 11:53

You aren't together. It's not his business. You can't control if he finds out so try to let go of the worrying over it. It's nice the other guy has said he won't tell anyone. Hopefully he won't. If he never does, You can't live in fear.

You haven't done anything wrong. You aren't "like" anything because you had a ONS. Most people do at some point and it's not normally a bad thing.

Do you feel safe from your ex? Do you live alone? Has he ever been violent? Does he have a key to the house, etc?

Who do you feel like being honest to? Your ex? He isn't going to tell you every time he sleeps with someone. It's your own private business. Both if you. You aren't being dishonest by not telling him. If you don't have kids then you really don't ever need to speak again. And that's probably the best approach to take

bluelefant · 06/02/2019 12:00

It is a clear sign that you already moved on and it is a good thing!
I know it may be difficult but you are not together and you shouldn't worry what he may think about your actions.
I also understand your feelings about the one night stand thing as I am also "not the type" who was in this position but it happened and give it some time and the anxiety will pass.
Do you have someone to talk to irl?

h2019 · 06/02/2019 13:09

I definately don’t want I get back with him! In a short reply no he doesn’t make me feel safe which is why I worry.. like he was quite possessive and I worry if he found out he would go crazy!!!!!!! He has displayed violence in the past, but a whole back. He does have a key but I’ve been keeping mine in the door so he can’t put his in.

OP posts:
h2019 · 06/02/2019 13:10

And when I say “I’m not the sort of type to have a one night stand” I really don’t mean that offensive at all! Most of my friends do.. I simply meant it in a way I’ve always been in long relationships so this was different for me

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 06/02/2019 14:00

Time to get the locks changed I think, what you do now and who you do it with is none of his business and if he does threaten you report it

h2019 · 06/02/2019 17:47

Yeah I’m gonna get the locks changed! When I got home today I noticed he’d been in my house!

OP posts:
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