Desperately need someone to talk to ...

[JustMe2606]

Hi everyone,

I’m totally new here and I’m desperate for advice. Please bare with me as I try to explain the situation as it’s quite complex but I have no one else to talk and I don’t know what to do.

My hubby and I have been together for 15 years. Things haven’t always been smooth but with counselling and patience we’ve always managed to save things (had to have counselling 3 times throughout marriage). My DH has autism and we have two children together. A 14 year old who also has autism and mental health issues and a 3.5 year old live wire.

Due to ill health I have always been unable to work and so stayed home with the kids while hubby went out to work, however a year ago my health too a sudden and severe decline and for the last year I’ve been completely bedridden and hubby has had to give up work to care for me and the boys. He done this without too much upset, it was his idea and decision.

However..... he isn’t coping at all. The house is an absolute mess but he won’t let me get a cleaner in to help him. He stays up all night gaming and then is exhausted and in a foul horrible mood the whole day, although due to his autism he doesn’t recognise his own emotions very well and so doesn’t understand when we all think he’s angry (there is no hiding it, a total stranger could see it, he wears it on his face) and generally the atmosphere in the house is horrible.

I managed to convince him to go to the doctors as I believed he was suffering depression and the doctor agrees, so gave him medication. But he won’t take it! He’s not against it, he just won’t take responsibility for remembering to take it and only takes it if I physically hand him the medication and water! He’s also not helping himself by only getting 2 hours sleep a night and he honestly thinks he copes with that. Thing is he’s now falling asleep constantly during the day when he’s caring for our 3 year old and I know we can all fall asleep by mistake, but he doing every day!

He genuinely feels like he hasn’t got a minute to himself, even though Our youngest is in nursery 4 days a week, goes to bed at 7 and goes to his grans every second weekend. Despite all that time, he believes that he doesn’t get a minute to himself and says that’s why he stays up so late gaming (it’s often 4-5am before he comes to bed).

To add to matters I feel like he’s checked out of our marriage emotionally. I have no one else. None of my “friends” have maintained contact or visited me since I got ill and my mum (who I’m close with) has a new job and is away every week and so she can’t visit either. My dad doesn’t do visiting and my sister doesn’t visit either. I am desperately lonely. Ive spent the entire day alone for the last 12 months and when hubby does come to bed he sits and watches you tube ok his phone.

I got super upset one night about how lonely I am and how let down by my friends I feel and I cried for four hours and my husband didn’t even acknowledge I was telling him anything. Didn’t hug me. Didn’t ask if I’m ok. Nothing. He just stared at a wall until I gave up and went away to cry on my own, which he knew I was doing. He gamed.

I then spoke to him abou the fact that he doesn’t spend time with me. I can’t physically go to him some days (some days I can go downstairs for half an hour), I am reliant on him coming to me. I suggested that we find games we could play together. This is something he’s been wanting me to do for years but it’s just not my thing. Anyway, we agreed on games and got them and that night he spent the whole evening with me. Then the next night he came up and we had been playing a game for half an hour when one of his online friends contacted him asking to play. He left me to go play with this guy. I felt totally ditched. After that he stopped coming up until he was tired and wanting to sleep.

So last week I broke down again and cried so much. Asked him why he won’t spend time me and he said “I want to”... but when asked why he doesn’t, he couldn’t answer. It said it all. Again that night he spent the evening with me but it stopped immediately again.

Aside from not spending time with me he doesn’t acknowledge or show interest in me talking most of the time. He can be watching me talk to him but as soon as I stop talking he’s straight back to his phone without even responding.

He’s horrible with the kids at the moment also. Super moody and unpredictable. Can be in a great mood acting like a kid one minute and in a foul mood the next.

I know it’s likely partly to do with his depression but when he’s not even trying to help himself I’m staring to loose sympathy for him. I’ve got a long history of depression so I do understand it affects your motivation etc but this can’t go on. I feel so trapped. It’s not that we’re having massive arguments or anything, he just won’t connect with me and it feels like he’s checked out on me... but I can’t physically care for my children and so I can’t leave this marriage unless I get better. I don’t know what to do. He won’t speak to me. He just goes stone cold silent when I try to talk to him and then I end up upset and looking like a needy person pleading with him to talk to me.... he just says “dunno what to say”.

Usually I’d turn to my friends when things arent good (although not been as bad as this before) but I just feel they have no interest in me either. No one even contacted me at xmas to see how I was. I deliberately didn’t contact them as I wanted to see who would make the effort to stay in touch. It’s all really made me question if I’m doing something wrong but other than not being able to visit them, I’m not any different to before and one of my friends was like a sister to me before. Friends for 20 years.

I’m so sorry this has been a long winded post, I just have no one else to turn to. I don’t know what to do and I desperately need advice and people to talk to about it all. I’m crying almost daily just now and that’s not helping my health. 😔

Welcome @JustMe2606. You've come to a place where you will hopefully get plenty of support and advice.

You're clearly going through a tough time, I'm so sorry to read about your current situation

I don't have a huge amount of practical advice but it sounds like you are in dire need of some real life support. Do you have any outside help for your health condition ? Is there any way you can join any support groups relating to your condition ? Would some form of counselling or CBT (jointly and perhaps as a couple) be worth considering ? It does sound like your DH is depressed.

I understand why you haven't contacted your friends but is it worth explaining how lonely and isolated you feel - perhaps they haven't appreciated how bad things have become and have just assumed you're fine and coping.

Virtual hand hold. You're not alone x

Sorry just realised you've been to couple counselling before. Worth another try ?

Hi there - I didn't want to read and run. Your situation sounds horrendous. Poor you! I used to live with someone who played online constantly and dropped me to play with his friends online. I felt so lonely and rejected it was bizarre to be living together and yet he was living a different life. We had a dd and he loved her but struggled to parent her and get involved with family life.

Is there any possibility your physical health would improve if you got out of this situation? I have a chronic condition and mine improved radically once we split up.

Is there anyone professional you can talk to?

OP, can you get a family member or friend to mediate between you? Your situaiton sounds awful and desperate. I also suggest going to your gp for help. Tell them how you are struggling. Perhaps a local befriending service can help with your isolation. Maybe it would be better if your DH went back to work and social services provided some carers for you. There will be options and possibilities to explore.

best of luck. My heart goes out to you.

He has a gaming addiction.

You can't in this position just walk away, so I'm afraid you're going to have to accept it for now.

Someone has suggested that you might qualify for carers if you got rid of him. I'd look into that.

You say your DH has autism, I assume Aspergers? So he doesn’t necessarily take cues on emotion. Or like change much. Please correct me if I’m wrong?

Thanks for your replies.

Sadly there is no treatments for my conditions. It’s about pain management (which is being poorly done just now) and then me micro managing the very tiny amount of mental and physical energy I have, but some days having a shower is all it takes to make me so unwell I can’t sit up or set of violent tremors in my legs. I have just been diagnosed with a heart condition which causes my heart rate it be sky high (180+) when I’m standing and that causes me to feel extremely breathless and feel like I’m going to pass out (vision goes black, ears ringing, hot, nauseated, light headed etc). There ‘are’ treatments for this condition so I’m praying once I’ve seen the cardiologist that I’ll be able to claw a tiny bit of health back!

I honestly don’t think he’d engage with counselling just now, he’s never been huge on counselling and only went when it became a choice of counselling or divorce. He’s not willing to talk to me at all. He’s not even trying. At least before we’d talk about things, even if it ended in arguments. Counselling taught us how to communicate and we were doing so much better. He’s never been great at talking about feelings but for a few years he’s been much better and then all of a sudden he’s shut himself off completely. I have no idea where his head is at other than sly comments he makes about being treated like a servant and no one listening to him. However, I do my up most not to ask him for things, to a point I usually only get 1-2 meals a day because I don’t want to ask for it and he doesn’t offer. To make matters worse I had weight loss surgery 5 years ago and can only eat a tiny bit at a time (half a sandwich, or a single egg etc) and so I should be eating 6 times a day! I’m having a bad reaction to food just now and I’ve totally lost my apetite but that doesn’t mean my body doesn’t need or want food. I’m now iron, calcium and vitamin D deficient. Right now I’m shaking because I’ve had half a sandwich today at 12pm and that’s it. I’m too shakey and unsteady on my feet to manage downstairs now and he fell into bed and went to sleep the second our kids were in bed and I don’t want to wake him.

I also make a point of telling him dinner was lovely, that I love him, that I notice and appreciate everything he does for us etc. I’m really trying to make him feel valued and be more affectionate towards him etc but he doesn’t seem to hear any of that. Kids are kids, they don’t always listen, they don’t always help out as they should and they don’t always appreciate what you do for them.... but that kids. Neither of our boys are bad kids. Our teenager is super quiet and you rarely hear from him and our 3 year old is a typical hyperactive, demanding 3 year old.

We bought a bed for the sittingroom a week ago so I could spend more time downstairs but I feel like when I go down he just switches off to everything and sticks his nose in his phone or he lies down and goes to sleep on the sofa leaving me struggling to entertain and manage our 3 year old (who is very demanding).
In the past week I’ve ended up having to make 2 meals for the kids cause he was sleeping and wouldn’t wake up..... but given I risk passing out when standing and have severe tremors in my legs some days, preparing meals isn’t an easy (or safe) task and takes every bit of energy I have (even if I use a stool). I then end up having to go back upstairs to bed cause I’ve used all my energy making a lousy meal for the kids and I’m in agony and can no longer cope with the noise of everyone and a tv (and they won’t quieten down when I become sensitive to it), which means I get less time with my kids!

We don’t have any outside help. Both grandparents work full time and my sister has her own health issues. DH has no other family and I don’t keep in touch with my extended family. DH has no friends and no interest in friends, he really just hates the world and everyone in it and it’s gradually gotten worse and worse over the years. He’s now totally intolerant of most people. It’s so hard as I think that’s why no one visits me.... that said, my life long friend gets on realllly well with my hubby so she’s no excuse and she’s who has hurt me the most by not keeping in touch.

When it became clear that hubby was struggling I sourced all the support I could for him. With his permission I made him the doctors appointment and contacted the doctor in advance to explain to her what was going on because hubby struggles to explain himself and I couldn’t go with him. I also contacted two charities who support carers but he refused any help they offered. He did agree to having a volunteer come in to give him a break once a week but he’s even cancelled that now and I think it’s because the house is such a mess and it means he has to make sure and tidy up the night before. I’ve offered to get a cleaner to come in to help, even if only temporarily to help him get on top of things, but he won’t hear of it and keeps saying he just needs to get his mind sorted out.... but he’s been saying that for 8-9 months and is doing nothing to help himself.

My closest friend did contact me last week and after a bit of chatting I did explain to her how desperately lonely I am. In fact I was super upset that night again. I didn’t point the finger at her, just that ‘no one’ had contacted me in weeks and ‘no one’ has visited in the last year except my mum, even when I was hospitalised at one point. She didn’t say much other than “your not alone, even if you feel it”. I know she’s got a lot going on in her own life but she find time for all her other friends but not me. Despite being bedridden I have gone in a wheelchair to hers twice this year! It takes me a good week to recover and that’s time I can’t spend and decent amount of time with my kids as I’m too ill during a flare in my symptoms.

DH genuinely believes I’ve no idea how hard he’s got it. He says that our youngest is a much harder child and I’m clueless (clearly caring for him for the first 2.5 years doesnt Warrent me to know what parenting him is like) and that our eldest was easy in comparison. My eldest has autism and as young child had extreme behaviour challenges. For two years I walked around bruised and covered in bite marks as he attacked me almost daily, I was being called to the school daily to help him cope with things, I dealt with all school and hospital appointment, I fought by myself to have his diagnosis and get the support he needed and I done it all while ill ..... but I had it easy apparently! He just didn’t see it because he worked so much and only came in at bedtime or worked 12 hours shifts. No matter what I say, he can’t see that I understand how hard parenting can be. It blows my mind.

I honestly don’t know if my health would improve if I left. Problem is, currently i can’t even care for myself let alone two children and I have zero support around me. My mums just had a huge promotion and is working away from home most of this year, my dad isn’t the type to get his hands dirty with helping with child care (although he’s good with them) and my sister is in a bad place herself. I have no one who can help me if my health didn’t improve quickly.

Hubby says that he loves being a stay at home dad as he’s getting opportunities with our youngest that he missed out on with our eldest and he says he doesn’t blame me at all for our situation, he blames my conditions (to me that’s the same thing?) but his behaviour says the total opposite.

I don’t know what to do.

I’m sorry I’ve jumped around a lot in my reply. My head is just such a mess just now.

Yes that is correct. I have had to adjust how I explain myself to him and for the most part he’s very high functioning (he was diagnosed in his late 20s) but he is not good with emotions. I believe he recognises my emotions but doesn’t know how to deal with them. However I have explained to him dozens and dozens of times that if I get upset all I want is a cuddle. But you know, I get that it’s his autism and he feels uncomfortable but he gets so angry with me if I want to talk about anything. He’s totally unapproachable and I don’t know how to deal with it.

Is their any respite care available from social services to help you out? Have you enquired? You are physically unavailable for them for obvious heath issues, he is emotionally unavailable for others. If the children received care elsewhere for some periods of time would it help?

My hubby wouldn’t hear of a family member mediating. He’d see it as sticking their nose where it doesn’t belong. He doesn’t like people, not even my family. He’s civil to them but behind their back talks trash about them. I’ve lesrned to just not talk to him about family very much. I’d never tell him if there had been a disagreement between me and family cause he’d use that as ammo to prove they’re horrible people.... where in fact, they’re not perfect but they’ve been very good parents to me and always supported me. Granted since I got married they’ve taken a step back but I was married and they DID still help a lot while we were young (married at 19).

A friend of mines has the same conditions as me and is a single parent to 3 children, all on the spectrum and she has been refused any help from social work etc. Although she’s not bedridden but she’s in a wheelchair if she goes out and struggles to cope physically with having the kids and house on her own. They won’t help her.

If I thought gettin a carer in to help me would take pressure off my hubby then I’d do it, even though I’d be uncomfortable as I have social anxieties. If it helped him cope, I’d do it. But other than meals (which he’s making for the kids anyway), and asking him to sit with me while I shower incase I pass out (I do have seat in the shower but some times I still get really dizzy and also I do sometimes need him to wash my hair), I do my best not to pile much more on him so he can just focus on him and the kids. Plus, he hates people in our house so he wouldn’t like carers coming in.

I completely agree he’s addicted to it but if I suggested that it would end in a massive argument. I believe he’s using to escape his situation but if he’d sit and talk to me then we could try work stuff out.

Pay for extra child care (son goes into nursery half days currently but has a government place in a private nursery, so we could pay for more hours!), get a cleaner, I could do online shops to save him having to do it etc but I’ve suggested all that and he turns it all down. We don’t have a lot money but I’m prepared to use the little we do have to help him, he just refuses all help I offer. He’s even turned away a volunteer who came in once a week to give him a break.

As you said, there is nothing I can do. I am trapped for now and will be until either my health improves or my kids are old enough to fend for themselves and that’ll be years!

I think you are bloody amazing, you have tried so hard, done so much, but you are not receiving even basic care, as you will end up being malnourished from your lack of food. You are already deficient, maybe dangerously so.

Please get a GP out to you. If he's not doing all the meals for you, is he feeding the DC all their meals? If he is why is he not including you?

regardless f any gaming addiction, he has clearly lost his grip on coping. I don't believe you can help him. I think if your GP were to visit you they would instantly realise the currently insurmountable issues and get ss support for you, care workers and ensure your health and wellbeing is prioritised. It will be clear to them that he is failing you all. In all honesty he may well be best off going back to work as that might suit his condition far better than all the relationship management needed within a family.
Presumably he never was a 'huggy' sort? Or particularly sensitive to your emotions or understanding and empathic of your worries and upsets?

Is he just worse now?

You can get there but you need help as he isn't helping himself or you, and potentially the DC either.

Again, though, I have huge admiration for you and all that you have tried to do. You need to call in the troops now though and get the help you so desperately need.

Even getting your irob and vit d will help your mental and physical wellbeing hugely!

You will so much better just for that.

((((Hugs))))

He won’t hear of a stranger having our kids. He recently refused to have someone come in and take the youngest to the park/swimming etc to give him a break and if I’m honest, I don’t think either of my kids would cope with it. Certainly not the older one.

I do try my very best to always be here emotionally for the kids. We talk regularly about how they are feeling and they know they can come to me any time, day or night and I won’t fly off the handle, no matter what they need to speak to me about.

Hubby ‘can’ be super with them. He’s the ‘fun’ parent when he’s in a good mood. Problem is his moods are so unpredictable and can switch in an instant and then he get horrid and has no time for anyone and everything is a major hassle to him.

I can see that I’m going to have to talk to my mum for help but I hate her thinking bad of him and I don’t like to worry her because I know she’s busy and can’t just drop everything for me. She’s already seen me in tear about how lonely I am, she sees the house and she’s came in during the day and found hubby sleeping... so she knows things aren’t good but I haven’t talked to her about how trapped I feel in it all.

I hugely admire you but this now isn’t about helping you, it’s about helping your children. You may not want to accept or ask for help, they do not have the choice. What if he under feeds then, you wouldn’t know, more what if they are neglected emotionally, again in bed would you know? This isn’t an attack, you children need full physical and emotionally enjoyable lives, are they genuinely receiving this now to to best of your knowledge?

I'm not doubting your will to be there for your DC atall. I believe you,but you can't not act now that he's not managing properly. You need urgent medical attention and your DC need proper care.

Gone are the days of listening to what he wants, if he doesn't do it, this is what had to happen. I'm sure you don't want strangers in helping you either, but if he's not going to, then you are left with no choice.

Has he changed or has he always been this way?

Thank you. That means a lot.

My GP was out last week. I don’t think unless I told her she’d know. Although the house is a mess, it’s not like a hoarders house but it’s in dire need of a deep clean and decluttering.

He does absolutely, without question feed the kids 3-4 meals a day. They aren’t always the best meals (nutritionally Balanced) but they are always fed and always got clean clothes, clean beds etc. He does care for them physically.

The problem with my meals is that instea if making one meal for everyone, he insists on feeding the kids and getting them to bed before he makes ours.... but then he often forgets as he grazes all night so doesn’t feel hungry. At lunch time our eldest comes home for lunch and we’ve always got easy things that he can make himself as that’s the same time our youngest is taken to nursery. So again he seems to forget a lot of the time. I know he would make me something if I asked, he’s never refused, so perhaps that’s as much my fault.... but I just feel so damn guilty he’s struggling so much that I don’t want to ask anything of him.

Emotionally he’s inconsistent. Sometimes he’s great with them and other times not so much. It depends on his mood. I do my absolute best to be there at all times for the kids and they do often come up and cuddle in with me when he’s in a rotten mood, just to get away from him. But that in itself makes me sad :(

My eldest blamed himself for everything. He said that he was the one who wanted a sibling and maybe if we hadn’t had our youngest then my health wouldn’t have gotten bad and dad would still cope. It shattered my heart to hear that! of course absolutely assured him that we didn’t have our second son because he wanted a sibling, it took us 5 desperate years to conceive him and I was desperate for another baby... and I wouldn’t change any of it if I had to go back in time. My sons are my reason for continuing, without them then this existence would be pointless. I have checked in with him a few times about he’s feeling about home life just now to make sure he hasn’t convinced himself it’s his fault again, but he’s not the talkative type either, although he’s more emotionally aware than my hubby. My eldest tends to open up to my mum more than anyone and so if I’m ever concerned about him and he won’t open up to me she takes him out to dinner and tried to discreetly bring up the issue. They have a very close relationship because my mum helped me a lot when he was younger and being physically difficult. I couldn’t take him anywhere alone as he’d run off or het upset and try to hurt himself and he’s a huge lad for his age so it would take two people to keep him safe. Thankfully he’s matured massively and we’ve worked really hard over the years helping him develop emotional awareness and coping strategies and so now he copes significantly better. Thank goodness as he’s 6ft tall at 14 year old.

I do think going back to work would be good for hubby. It’s been the worst move ever for him, even though he says he loves being at home with the kids. I just don’t know of any support we can get, I tried to get support from my health visitor and GP etc before he gave up work, no one could offer us anything and I had become totally housebound and had started at that point to take ill for days and weeks at a time and was struggling while hubby was at work. In the end we paid for our youngest to go to private nursery a few half days a week (it’s all we could afford) to give me a break. But sadly it didn’t make much difference.

Time to think only if your children now,this is not good for them, they deserve better

I totally agre with you, the kids are 100% the priority. As I mentioned above he absolutely does care for them physically, they have 3-4 square meals a day (I hear my eldest being called down for meals etc) and they often face time me while they’re sitting having something to eat. They always have clean clothes, are bathed etc. But emotionally he’s inconsistent. I’ve always said I don’t care how he speaks to me when he’s in a foul mood, I’ve learned not to take it personally and just let him rant it off but the kids don’t have that rational and the only thing we usually argue about is when I pull him up for his moods towards the kids. This has always been an issue but it’s gotten a lot worse. Used to be he’d a bad day a couple of times a week. Now he had a foul mood at some point in ever day!

He’s never been sentive to emotions and I’ve had to learn to accept that as someone who is sensitive emotionally. But he’s always been hands on type. Huggy, gropey type.... and he kinda still is to a degree but just not as responsive when I try to initiate hugs or what not and I rarely spend any quality time with him with means very little opportunity for physical contact.

He has always been a little like this but he’s had me there to pick up his slack. I’ve always been the main carer for the kids. He’d help out but knew if it got too much he could disappear and I was there to take over. I think he’s just desperately struggling and not wanting to admit it to himself for some reason. Problem is when I try to talk to him about things, the mess of the house or his moods he just gets upset and shuts down on me and makes out like I don’t understand.

Think I’ll contact my sons health visitor tomorrow. She was my eldestest HV also and so she knows the family history and I have a fabulous relationship with her. I’ll give her a call and see if now that the situation has gotten worse if she can point me in the direction of help/support. Previously when my eldest was little and I was struggling I reached out to her (I’ve always recognised when I needed help as I’ve struggled with mental health since a teenager and so I now know the early signs that a depressive episode is coming and I can usually nip in the bud with medication. Before I get too bad) and she offered someone to come take DS away for a few hour a week to give me a break... but hubby wouldn’t hear of it. In the end, SHE came and took DS out to give me a break as it was the only solution hubby would agree to. Thankfully after DS got his ASD diagnosis I coped much better because I knew what I was dealing with and could start putting strategies and support in place to help him.

I’m also going to sit hubby down this weekend when the kids are away and just be frank with him. It’ll be hellish but it needs done. I’m terrified he tries to take the kids and leave. He told me the other day that if I was healthy he’d just leave cause clearly he’s no good for anyone if his moods are as bad as I say (which he doesn’t think they are). He looked genuinely upset with himself but the very next day it’s like the conversation never happened.

My sister assured me if it came to that she’d move in with me so I could fight to keep the kids but that would mean her giving up her life with her partner and also she’s got PTSD and other mental health issues and is equally unstable in different ways, although she’s great with the kids. Problem is she sees my hubby as her big brother as she was only 12 when I met hubby. She keeps defending him and making excuses when I’m upset... although ultimately says she’ll support me no matter what I decide, but I never see her so I don’t trust I really would have her support, she isn’t reliable due to her own health issues.

The only other option would be moving in with my parents but they don’t have the space and they both work full time so I’d still have to manage all day lone and I don’t think they would cope having us there long term.

I might speak to my mother in law. Maybe she could talk to hubby . Help him sort out the house (I think the mess is dragging his mood down significantly). My MIL and I have had a very difficult past but have mannaged to smooth things over in the last 4 year or so but I’ve been reluctant to ask her for help because even though she actually LOVES cleaning, I suspect she’ll then go out and tell everyone how dirty my house is (she’s diagnosed OCD so even mildly cluttered is disgusting in her eyes) But youre all so right. It’s time to swallow my pride and forget what hubby wants. He’ll be furious if I include her but it’s the only other thing I can think of to get him to open up and talk to someone so we can start to fix the issues within our control. even though their relationship hasn’t always been great, it’s still his mum? And I think she might help him more if she knew how bad things are. She’s been a horrible MIL and to a degree mother at times to dh but she’s made a big effort since our youngest was born to be civil and she has been an amazing granny and I would never take that away from her.

Not sure if I should be honest with hubby about going to try get this support or his mums help, wether he likes it or not.... or if I should just arrange it all and then tell him. Thoughts?

Don’t get me wrong, in between the bad moods he’s actually fabulous with the kids! Takes them trips out to the zoo and museums and castles etc. Takes our eldest to gaming conventions etc as they both like gaming. Plays all day with DS2 and DS2 adores him. He’s a real daddies boy since hubby gave up work. It’s just that his moods are so erratic just now and he’s zero motivation so even asking for little things (example, asking him to open the sittingroom curtains one morning) he’s huffing and sighing as if it’s a big deal and then he feels he never gets a break. But he get more time to himself than most single parents and more than I ever got!

So sorry for the huge long posts. I guess I’m just brain dumping to try get everything in my head in some kind of order. I always need to talk things through when I’m feeling overwhelmed and not sure how tackle things. It helps me get my thoughts in a row.

For those who read my crazy long posts. Thank you!! I really do appreciate your support and having you all to talk to.

Can't read and run

You are doing incredibly, your resilience is incredible but unequivocally change needs to happen - you can't carry on like this or your MH will fall through the floor and will worsen the physical issues you're dealing with.

Your nutrition is vital sweetie and if DH can't or won't ensure that then you need - NEED - to contact emergency number for Adult Social Care in your area and get a care package in place; someone coming in 3 times a day to prep food for you. I'm sorry for the PP who reported no care available but IME (used to work in a job that often involved engagement with community agencies) that shouldn't be your reality, especially (& vitally) if you are flat out honest with them about how bad it is.

Likewise none of this is good for your DC so I absolutely agree with PP who said you need to start ignoring what hubby wants and what he 'wants' is patently NOT what is right for you, DC, family as a whole. Starting point needs to be your immediate needs and I urge you to please ring emergency Adult Social Care in your area.

Can I ask whereabouts (broadly) you are?

Hugs

Sophia,

Thank you. Sorry I have replied sooner, I’ve been in a bit of a mess today just trying to figure everything out.

DH and I ended up talking about it all again this afternoon. It wasn’t planned but a comment he made left me able to lead into it and the kids were at school/nursery so weren’t around.

I’ve been brutally honest with him. He wasn’t happy and doesn’t see that it’s as bad as I’m saying but he agreed on a cleaner, marriage counselling and going back to the doctor to get his depression treated .... HOWEVER..... he only agreed to it all to shut me up... quite literally said “just tell me what to do so we don’t need to talk about this anymore”. .

So..... I have reached out to my best friend and told her everything and I’ve reached out to my mum who’s going to call me tonight as she couldn’t chat properly earlier. My mum said she had an inkling that things weren’t good as DS2 (3 years old) has commented about not wanting to go home cause daddy is always angry! I’m heartbroken. It doesn’t come as a surprise that he feels that way but it’s stjll hard to hear :( he appears to adore DH when he’s with him and today said Nursery was rubbish cause he missed daddy. I guess it’s a very cornfusing time for him. Poor wee soul.

Anyway.... I’m going to start working on a plan to get the kids and I out if he doesn’t improve in the next month. There is nothing more I can say now. He knows exactly how I feel. If he chooses to reflect on that and deal with things then we can do counselling and start to work through it, if he doesn’t, I just need to find a way out. Even if it means DS2 going into nursery full time so I’ve only got short spells to cope alone.

Oh and I’m in Scotland. Around the central belt area.