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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I being unreasonable to think it's too soon?

7 replies

supersmashinggreat · 05/02/2019 16:18

I asked my ex to leave 18 months ago, after hideous emotional abuse and coercive control. He did under duress and then barraged me with horrendous abuse, threats of suicide, name calling, swearing, shouting, said I had killed him, blood on my hands, would come around to the house and yell at me, he pushed me to the floor, shouted swear words in my face....it was like this for 8 months - it was dreadful - I honestly felt like I'm was in some sort of traumatic shock, jump every time I recieve an email - he still is vile to me calls me horrid names, a see you next tuesday, a b@tch - he was also bankrupt so sadly I'm having to sell the family home, with no offer of help or support from him, even though the mess was of his making....he deosn't even ask where is children are going to live...that's 'my mess to sort out now'...Going forward to last spring, the threats of suicide stopped suddenly, he'd meet someone 20 years his junior and had 'fallen in love' with her...he blocked me on all form of contact apart from email. Still has. I have to ask him every month for maintenance, he refuses to set up a direct debit - has refused to pay unless i behave in a certain way, says when he will see the children, it is all on his terms...the relationship with the young woman fizzled out....within three days he was on a dating app (my son saw him using it constantly when they were together - he made a joke about it) and met someone via a website in November. Already it seems that They virtually live with each other, go on holidays, meals out, live the life of reilly - he is clearly love bombing her - whislt I deal with the financial aftermath and real from the abuse, he still continues to call me f@@@ing* stupid, poision, vile, hateful ungrateful.....but now also says that he wants to introduce this woman into my childrens lives..he asked my 10 year old if she wanted to go and stay with him at her place....I said that this wasn't on and we had to be guided by the children yet he goes ahead and ignores me....trying to control even this...it's got me in bits, my children spending time happy families with him and his latest g/f...after what he has done...am i being unreasonable why can he get away with it, I am the one who is bringing up the children on my own (he seems them an hour or two a week) providing them with a home, and dealing with the finacial mess for him to take my children for fun weekends away whilst I penny pinch makes me so so so upset xx

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SuperSuperSuper · 05/02/2019 22:47

Is the maintenance court ordered? Or a casual arrangement. What about contact with the children?

It seems to be that unless she's abusuve, criminal etc there's not much you can do about her presence during his contact times. Fwiw I agree that it's too early but he sounds very impulsive and immature.

Lozzerbmc · 06/02/2019 08:34

This is awful for you he is an abusive bully who cares only for himself. Dont waste time thinking about what he is doing. Be free of him! Well done for getting away. I agree you shouldnt be dealing with it all on your own but he seems as much use as a chocolate teapot and worse abusive as well. He is not thinking of the children or doing them any good. He should be talking to his son not doing dating apps! But sadly this is how men behave. Once in a restaurant i saw a dad and small girl having dinner. He was on his phone the whole time and they barely spoke whilst she ate in silence it was so sad. Can you try and limit the time he spends with them. Can you move away? Have you got family and good friends to help support you. Have you had legal advice about the situation and getting maintenance?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/02/2019 08:42

Maintenance needs to be done on a legal footing, take some power back here. This individual was never ever going to be at all reasonable post separation either. What you describe of him is who he really is. None of your children should really be spending any time with him, his Disney dad act is precisely that - an act.

Re a comment that the previous responder made:-
"But sadly this is how men behave"
Not all men at all behave so poorly, this is how THIS man behaves.

ChakiraChakra · 06/02/2019 09:26

She is (or will soon be) a victim just like you. It sounds like ours not her but him to be wary of having too much to do with your kids Flowers

supersmashinggreat · 06/02/2019 11:51

thank you for your kind comments, think after years of abuse my judgement is skewed and I am so upset at thinking my children will be spending time with him and his new g/f playing happy families when he ruined our family life for so long. I have just got to pick myself up and dust myself off, I am so pleased I am not with him but am so angry I've been left in this mess with these scars and I am not sure how I get over that if I am honest. I have to becareful the new g/f isn't my scapegoat and I am thankfully supported by amazing friends, my family are 400 miles away and I am tempted to up sticks and go 'home' but I am happy here as are the children who are of an age where they have a good social network...it's just so bloody hard and sticks in my throat that he is happy, I've just got to put my 'big girls pants on' and move forward I guess xx he has landed on his feet she has her own house and plently of money - his words - and I really want to let her know what he is really like, tell her to protect herself financially from him, he is a narcassist bully and I hate him x

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Nicelunch25 · 06/02/2019 13:11

I don't think you are being unreasonable thinking it's too soon. I have an ex like this and he does whatever the fuck he wants. I covertly tried to warn his new woman (I posted my story of what he did as advice for other women in my situation on a parenting website she is a member of). She has blocked me once I posted it so has obviously swallowed whatever bullshit story he's told about me being bitter and jealous and a liar. At least I feel like she might realise when he starts on her. He used to turn everything round on me and say no one had ever accused him of being abusive before (lies-they have) and it was just because I was so difficult (lies - he said this to his other ex) no real advice , it's totally shit, I hate my ex playing happy families with the son he ignored but people assure me my son will figure out for himself what his "father" is like and he does seem to be getting the measure of him. These men don't change though so sooner or later he'll do the same to the next woman. He's not even had any time on his own to reflect and learn what not to do to future partners so even if he wanted to change he's not giving himself much of a chance to do so!

supersmashinggreat · 06/02/2019 14:59

he wouldn't do, wasn't single for a week before hunting on tinder! He says he has changed but as I've said no doubt love bombing her, she's quite keen on getting into a relationship has no kids of her own so I am very cautious - it's freaked my daughter out to be honest and as much as I know I can;t I don't want my children to have a relationship with her, it;s hard enough when they are with him..not sure how I get over that x

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