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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Threatened while half asleep?

17 replies

b123p · 05/02/2019 14:17

Please respond to this sensitively. I know it's not something I should minimise, but I have an awful lot on my plate more generally at the moment and not looking for 'LTB' type comments. It's not that sort of a situation.

I've been with my husband for well over a decade. We have a loving relationship throughout this period, but I've recently been experiencing some mental health issues due to illness and job loss. He has found not knowing how to help difficult to deal with and been verbally unpleasant at times.

The other night I was fidgeting in bed and he turned to me and made a gun symbol next to my head and the noise of it firing. I was dozy with tiredness and just trying to digest what had happened when he turned to me and said, 'If you do this again, I'll bash your head in'. I was exhausted so admonished him very briefly, but he seemed to already be asleep again as I was talking. I fell asleep too. We'd had a lovely weekend, it was totally out of the blue.

The next day, I messaged him to say how horrified I was, and he immediately apologised and said he was disgusted with himself. I said to him that I didn't feel physically threatened as such, but that I was concerned about where this aggression had come from. He has said he can't answer me, the only thing he assumes is that he was half asleep. We had a chat when he came home along similar lines.

He has never said anything like this to me before.

I've suggested he get counselling or look into support groups for people living with someone with mental health issues. Is there anything else I can do here? I'm conscious that I'm overloaded at the moment and any reaction I have may not be appropriate.

Thank you.

OP posts:
letsdolunch321 · 05/02/2019 14:18

Do you have a seperate bedroom to sleep in until you are feeling more yourself?

WhereAreAllTheUsernames · 05/02/2019 14:22

How strange! Do you mind me asking what mh issues he has?

showmeshoyu · 05/02/2019 14:24

People say weird shit when they're not really awake. I'd have entire conversations with people or start singing the Butterkist theme song. Nowadays I often wake up to me stroking one of my cats' belly fur Smile

b123p · 05/02/2019 14:25

Thanks letsdolunch. That's good advice. We have a spare room I can sleep in. It might give us a bit of space.

It's me with the mental health issues, WhereAreAllTheUsernames. I have PMDD but on the pill to treat it. Counsellor thinks I have depression right now due to the other circumstances I'm facing.

OP posts:
showmeshoyu · 05/02/2019 14:26

This may not be a MH issue at all, just effectively sleep talking/actioning. I know, this sounds hard to believe, but I'm a sleep sexer sometimes too. Once with a partner who was also a sleep sexer, we both woke up mid act and found it very confusing.

b123p · 05/02/2019 14:27

Thanks showmeshoyu - nice to have a reason to have the giggles today. I agree with this! I'm torn between not worrying about it at all and thinking if a friend told me this scenario, I'd be somewhat worried for them. Thought it might be best to get other opinions, as I'm not quite right at the moment generally.

OP posts:
OrangeJuiceandLemon · 05/02/2019 14:33

I was married to a sleep sexter. He honestly didn't know what he was doing. It was horrid but definitely unintentional.

whyameyehere · 05/02/2019 14:37

He may well have been asleep and unaware of what he was doing, I once sat up and told dd1 to "fuck off and go back to bed" when she was twelve and had come in to tell me she was having an asthma attack. Even though I had apparently looked right at her I had no recollection of the incident the next morning.

b123p · 05/02/2019 14:37

I would say, doing things in his sleep isn't a regular thing for him, and he recalled it immediately when I mentioned it to him the next day.

I want to give him a certain amount of credit for the fact he may have been partially asleep, but I don't think this a serial problem.

OP posts:
b123p · 05/02/2019 14:39

Think it may be a bit more along those lines, Whyameyehere. Thanks for replying. I guess we may do things we'd never do awake when not fully conscious.

This is making me feel reassured that I don't need to worry really, which is good! I don't have the headspace at the moment :(

OP posts:
whyameyehere · 05/02/2019 15:20

I was mortified at the time, dd1 at twelve found it highly amusing that I swore at her in my sleep and I have never lived it downSmile

Chinks123 · 05/02/2019 15:24

I would have been scared too op. I have also spoken in my sleep a few times though, and dp swore I was awake. Apparently we had a conversation about choc ices...I was not awake.
Also ashamed to say I called dd a bellend in my sleep Blush I’m always afraid I’m going to start spilling my secrets!!

Passing4Human · 05/02/2019 15:32

My DP sleep talks/shouts when he's stressed. When we were first together it really freaked me out. He sits up or sometimes even stands up and shouts out suddenly. He's half-asleep/sort of dreaming when it happens and when I tell him the next day he can usually remember the dream he was having - often a nightmare of someone chasing him. So he can sometimes remember shouting but to him he thinks it's happening in his dream. Anyway, this thankfully only happens when he's stressed and is happening less often as he's got older.

Chocspreadandpb · 05/02/2019 15:36

My partner is openly disturbed by me when I am asleep. When my daughter was a baby I used to jump up and scream down the house saying 'where is she?!?!' I would pull the bed covers off and search for her in my pillow case, the chest of drawers and even looked in his pants for her which he found hilarious but also really worrying. He often wakes up to me standing at the top of the stairs like something from a horror film and he is certain I'm planning to jump. A couple times a night he puts me back to bed and I have no idea. I've shouted at him that I hate new potatoes, ended our relationship and even packed his bags. Whilst I feel more for him it's upsetting waking up confused and wondering why he's annoyed with me. Whilst it may be entirely different for your relationship, with mine I am just a weirdo in my sleep. It's up to you to decide what his actions meant to you. If the relationship is not good otherwise I wouldn't be as willing to put it down to sleep issues.

Passing4Human · 05/02/2019 15:43

I'm sorry Chocspreadandpb, because that sounds even worse than my DP, and must be horribly unsettling for you and for your partner, but I did laugh at "I've shouted at him that I hate new potatoes".

OrangeJuiceandLemon · 05/02/2019 18:34

Poor potatoes Sad

wishywashy6 · 05/02/2019 19:05

My DP says some weird stuff when he's drifting off to sleep, he's awake but not really! He sometimes remembers the next day, sometimes not.
He boarded a plane to Budapest while eating a ham and cheese sandwich the other night, all while dozing on the sofa 🤷🏼‍♀️ he remembered the part apart Budapest but not the sandwich the next day 😆

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