Feel like EVERYONE is letting me down

[Agorarora]

DH and I not getting along after DC2. He is exhausted for reasons seperate to those having a young baby. He does nothing to try and minimise the other reasons.
Baby never stops crying. Cringeworthy, nails on a blackboard loud whining when at home. She's 10 months old, barely naps and wakes a lot at night. I'm knackered. She has allergies and I've cut 5 allergens from my diet to help her but she's still under investigation.

DH and I have said horrible things to each other during arguments and many of the things he has said to me play on my mind.

DM knows how much I have been struggling with baby and DH and was supposed to come and stay with me for 3 days to relieve some pressure. She stayed for 24 hours before making the 3 hour journey back home. I can't even go to stay with her as she rents a room from a friend. I cooked for her during her visit and she was with us for all of 6 hours during the 24 hour visit meaning she didn't help at all.

DF is a waste of time. He drinks and calls me to talk about himself, having no interest in me at all. I told him I've been feeling I want to leave DH and he told me it is my duty to stay for the children. And that was that.

Thought I had good friends but a few have let me down recently after I ran for charity last month and they haven't bothered go sponsor me and I have supported and sponsored all of them over the years. Always tried to be a good and supportive friend.

Another friend I see regularly talks about herself constantly and has no interest in me whatsoever and sinceI stopped paying attention she's started to ignore me.

I Feel like a big fat bin.

As if I'm here for everyone else.

DH doesn't seem to appreciate when I cook for him or clean or keep the house nice, he doesn't offer to help unless I ask.

Utterly fed up.

I know things probably arent as bad as they feel, but I feel like I have no allies. I see a counsellor for depression and she has told ne to lean on my friends for support but I'm left wondering who they really are?

Okay, you need to get over the lack of sponsorship. I loathe the current climate of sponsorship for everything, and as a result don't sponsor anyone. Make some cupcakes for charity? I'll buy some. Run a marathon? Pay for it yourself. Totally different things.

On the crying baby front, what sort of things have you looked at? DS2 had problems with baby rice, which if you're cutting things out of DC2's diet you might be using more of. It seems that as the rice passes through the digestive system it expands. Some digestive systems are too immature to cope with it, and it causes pain as it passes through. When I cut it out it took around 10 days for the crying (and pain) to fully go away. It's not very well known, and baby rice is used as a thickener for lots of baby foods.

I don't use baby rice or any baby food. She eats fruits and vegetables mainly and has been tested for allergies so we know the main culprits.

I agree regarding sponsorship. But I have I have the decency to sponsor them when they do something for charity, I think it's very poor not to reciprocate the gesture.

I agree, if you have sponsored them it's poor of them not to sponsor you.

If you know the main culprits, it might pay to have a look at the FODMAP app. If it's one of the short chain carbohydrates within the food that is making that food be a problem, (there are 6 different types), then this FODMAP app will help you identify other food with that in there.

Thanks for the advice. It's probably partly me letting negative talk fill my head as I'm struggling to focus on the positives atthe moment.
I feel as though DM has superbly let me down when she knew I was already low. I don't know where to look for support or who I can rely on.
I want to feel the support of DH but I don't really like him at the moment and don't want to attempt to lean on him for fear of being let down. I feel like I am here for everyone elses purposes and that I'm a non-entity.

Do you have enough money for DD to go to nursery for a few hours a week? Just to give you a rest and do something for yourself? I'm assuming you're a SAHM but not 100% clear? Would you like to go back to work part time?

I am on maternity leave until DC2 is just over 1 year old. I will be returning to work on a part-time basis, 3 days a week.

You feel like they're letting you down because they are.

The older I get, the more I think you should get rid of anyone who doesn't add anything to your life.

Personally I'd stop picking up the phone to your useless parents - they'll know why.

Then I'd ditch the shit friends and start looking for new ones.

Then I'd look for childcare for a couple of afternoons or a few hours, whatever you can afford so that you can do something nice for myself.

I'll reserve judgement on your dp. I suspect I'd be dumping him too, or making plans to do it when I returned to work, but only you know whether you're at that stage yet.

You'd be happier in a little house with dd, having every other weekend to yourself while she was with her dad.

Gloomy... I like your advice a lot! My sister is NC with DM because of the let downs over the years. I really enjoy DMs company when she's acting reliably, which is why I don't NC as I'd be cutting off my nose to spite my face. I've tried lowering my expectations of her but feel like I'm on a roller coaster of her being a brilliant DM (there are times she goes over and above) and then times when she is frankly, shocking. I laugh it off a lot and have learned not to rely on her, but I cant lie, each disappointment is a rejection slap in the face.

I know that my time with DH is now temporary. It's just getting by.

I used to have an Aunt who was like a mother to me who made up for all the short falls but she died a few years ago. I've felt lonely ever since. I'm good at making friends and pride myself on being a good friend, but I find people seem to prefer the less sincere, charismatic type friends of no substance.

I don't think you need to be nc with your parents either, just a bit less available than you are. It might make them think about how they are letting you down.

Make some time for yourself, step back from the people who disappoint you, and start planning the future you want.

It's sad that you don't have any support but you might feel happier once you stop looking for it and reach an acceptance of that fact.

I'm sorry it's worked out this way btw. Perfectly reasonable to expect help from your partner and parents in difficult times!

I feel for you as I really do understand about having no one
My parents are very very similar and I have given up having any expectation of them. I really have had to because I would just be resentful all the time otherwise

I have really learnt not to rely on anyone but myself, cutting out everyone useless (or at least having them at arms length) cuts disappointment. I learnt to do a lot of things for myself, by myself and although I get frustrated at times I have to be very creative when I do need something!

DF made a big song and dance about helping me move house - but won’t actually be around. DM wants to view the house but won’t help me do anything and just get in the way and expect cups of coffee made for her. I have few friends who would turn up to help me move house either - even tho I would help them. But instead of dwelling, I need to find another solution. Also do not invite DM...

This is resilience and it takes time to build, you put up with less crap from people. You basically Marie Kondo them out of your life. You don’t spark Joy for me DM so maybe you need to expect nothing and anything extra is a bonus?

The situation sounds really hard.

You’re adjusting your expectations of your parents - Stately Homes threads might help there.

Couples counselling might help you both decide what to do about the relationship, which apart from the baby’s crying and allergies seems to be the main problem.

If DH isn’t pulling his weight with the DC, ask him to do so. His fatigue / health issues are his responsibility.

You’re being a bit U about the sponsorship.

I came back to say I do speak to my parents but don’t expect anything. They do have some good qualities like my DM is quite good to talk to but she’s no practical help at all. So I don’t ask her for any as then I am not let down
DF is useless for everything 😂

some really good advice here. Have faith in yourself - you'll get through this difficult time. You're right to feel let down and disappointed by those that should have been on hand to offer support, but you will manage without them.

TBH it sounds as if you need to put yourself first, you sound worn out. I'd suggest you need a break from your DC and some time to put yourself back together. DC1was very high maintenance and I ran myself into the ground looking after him.

I'd be looking for some childcare pronto, at 10 months old she is certainly old enough to go to nursery.

Agree with others about the sponsorship thing, I have so many friends who are all running marathons/cycling up Machu Picchu that I CBA to sponsor anyone. I prefer to donate directly to charity and have my own preferred charities.

I also agree your parents sound a bit useless and again I'd be going low contact and putting myself first. One thing I learned from bitter experience is that if you don't put yourself first and look after yourself you can be sure no-one else will.

Thankyou everyone for the support and hand-hold here. I was dubious about posting incase I came across a bit whiney and ridiculous.

I think a break is exactly what I need. I am breastfeeding and can't express a lot, but I could possibly do something for myself in the evening or inbetween feeds which are around 3.5 hours apart during the day time. I really want to go out for a few drinks with friends, but daren't bother asking tbh because I can't tolerate another potential let down.

You need to work on the RS with DH, as he is in fact supposed to be your partner

What if you sat him down and decided that 2019 is the year you all move on from what happened with DD and build a better future. Would he be on board? Tell him what you need for him to do for DD. Tell him you need him to bond with her and you will be going and doing some things for you. Don’t wait for things to happen to you/for you

Ask people round for a drink in the evening
Book a babysitter
Be proactive for yourself

Sorry I confused with another thread re your child but same sentiment - new year New you x

I found a creche at my local gym brilliant, childcare by the hour, they’d come and find you if DC was unsettled. Or a decent daytime sitter ad hoc?

I think your feelings about your parents and DH might be clouding your view of your current friends.

With friends I personally feel the key thing is whether or not I still enjoy their company. They don’t “owe” us time/support, although reciprocity is important, so if over time there’s a pattern of you putting in more effort or doing more for them than is reciprocated, or they’re persistently flakey about plans, perhaps adjust your approach. You could seek to meet new people or spend time with those you like most .

For example, friends declining a drinks invitation isn’t a “let down” in my book. Cancelling on the day without good reason is.

I have 2 DC and one of them doesn’t see their father. I therefore have a 14yo girl who I don’t feel comfortable leaving for long periods/at night so I don’t really go out. I try to find something that does work, and my friends are ok with it. So short trips out, trips in the day, or friends over my house

You mention your H not “helping”: domestic work is just as much his responsibility as yours. Presumably you’re on maternity leave, and have your hands more than full caring for a crying baby.

I’d stop doing cooking and chores for him, for a start.