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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband scoffs constantly for mistakes and I loathe him...

21 replies

Socksfordays3 · 05/02/2019 11:12

My husband is regularly scoffing at me for things that are either beyond my control or mistakes. Just now, he is putting our 7mth old to sleep in her room and he called out to me (I’m in the living room) me to bring her dummy in. In taking it to him, I didn’t see a box on the ground in her room on the floor and knocked it with my foot when I’ve walked in. She stirred but didn’t wake and he’s scoffed and tutted. It wasn’t intentional (obviously!) but his response is always heightened.

It sounds silly to complain about but it truly shits me because of how regularly I get scoffed at for unintional things. It’s like I can never get anything right in his eyes. Plus sometimes it’s more than a scoff; it’s a “well that was stupid, wasn’t it” or “why the fuck would you do that”. I loathe him when he’s like this. Like zero to a hundred on the anger scale.

The most annoying thing is, I’m of the mindset that “accidents happen”. Like last night, when I was putting our daughter to sleep, he walked in the room and accidentally leant on one of her toys that sings songs - and I let out a little laugh because shit happens!

Why can’t he do the same? How would you classify this kind of behaviour from him?

OP posts:

ravenmum · 05/02/2019 11:47

Superior, doesn't like or respect you?

whiteworld · 05/02/2019 11:49

Fucking annoying?

Does he do it to anyone else?

How's the rest of your relationship?

snowbear66 · 05/02/2019 11:50

Sounds like he thinks he's the boss, it's using his anger for behaviour control.
Your behaviour has to be 100% perfect or you are "told off".
On the other hand, he can do what he wants.

LiquoricePickle · 05/02/2019 11:51

I sometimes do this to my husband and when he pointed it out, I felt really bad. Now I try (sometimes fail) not to because it's rice and unnecessary, but I wasn't aware of it. Have you told him how you feel?

Original poster

Socksfordays3 · 05/02/2019 12:18

It is so annoying @whiteworld! He can be a bit polarising - people seem to love him (because he’s quite jovial and can talk about a lot of different topics) or get annoyed by him. I think I come from the viewpoint of seeing a situation from someone else’s point of view and... why being so annoying when you can make someone else’s life better/easier without really having to do much.

The rest of our relationship is okay - having a new/first bub can be so life changing and tiring. We’ve both essentially overnight been given new identities and saying farewell to an “old us” is not something people talk about (in a way, I mourned the old me) - but we’re both super over the moon to be parents and our daughter is amazing.

In saying that, I have googled “when do call it quits” at least 7 or 8 times. So that can’t be good!

OP posts:

PositivelyPERF · 05/02/2019 12:21

When did this shitty attitude start? Was it after you got pregnant or has he always like that?

Original poster

Socksfordays3 · 05/02/2019 12:22

Good on you @LiquoricePickle for working on yourself. I have told him but, in fareness, it normally comes out when I’m at breaking point. I don’t yell or anything but tonight I did say to him “I loathe when you tell me off” and was quite cold in saying it. He didn’t have any follow up Qs or comments to this - but I’m not sure how much weight it carried. I guess we will see!

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 05/02/2019 12:23

I think you should say, "Do you realise that whenever you behave like that I think about how much nicer it would be to live separately?"

Original poster

Socksfordays3 · 05/02/2019 12:25

It’s been happening for the last 10 years of our relationship @PositivelyPERF. The difference is, before baby, I would just ignore the puffing/scoffing/under the breathe comments and do my own thing and be happy with me. I’ve always been fiercely independent but with bub here I’ve needed help. So I’m way more effected by his angry reactions.

OP posts:

Original poster

Socksfordays3 · 05/02/2019 12:28

@HollowTalk I think about living with just me and baby at least once every 2-3 days. I think it would be hard not having someone to provide even a micro break but i guess it’s the compromise - what’s the better situation for me, baby and my own mental wellbeing.

OP posts:

Snuggz · 05/02/2019 12:37

Sounds like death by a thousand cuts to me.

The sad thing is, you are probably going to, if you aren’t already, start walking on eggshells and second guess everything you do, every step you take, just in case you drop something/have an accident/trip etc. and it sets him off. That’s no way to live. I’m not surprised you’ve been Googling about ending things, it doesn’t sound like your husband has much tolerance or respect for you at all and I bet you that this is probably the tip of the iceberg.

I was going to suggest sitting him down at a time when it is just you both and point out to him calmly how his behaviour is affecting you and you’d like him to stop. If he poo-poo’s the idea or downplays your feelings then you know where you stand. However since you’ve said this has been going on for 10 years, me personally, I’d divorce him on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. To some that may seem drastic, but again, you’ve already wasted 10 years putting up with his sarky behaviour, do you want to waste the rest of your life doing the same?

pusspuss9 · 05/02/2019 13:00

They sound like 'put downs' to me. I hope he isn't trying to make you feel badly about yourself.

Silkie2 · 05/02/2019 13:14

Have you sat down and talked about stuff. I don't dispute he is in the wrong. But make a talking time without interruptions and spell it out to him, write it down first if you need to so you don't forget anything. I think there is stuff online about how to approach this ie Not... 'you must stop yadda yada' or 'you always....'
Instead ... it upsets me when you laugh or joke about what I've done because ....
Definitely worth doing this first.

user1479305498 · 05/02/2019 13:18

Hey, I occasionally leave charger leads plugged in or sockets not switched off and get a big deal made of it and sighing and huffiness ! It’s the small shit that can be death by a thousand cuts

madcatladyforever · 05/02/2019 13:20

I wouldn't tiptoe around personally I'd say outright i hate you because of your constant put me downs. Do you want a wife or not? Then walk off and leave that with him.

Haworthia · 05/02/2019 13:20

He’s your husband. You’ve just had a child together. And yet he chooses to belittle you and show outright contempt for you, instead of love and respect?

Death by a thousand cuts is right. I would find that completely soul destroying.

Fusioluxe · 05/02/2019 13:23

Why didn’t he remember the dummy if he was putting her to bed?

I would say “no, I’ll do it wrong, I’ll let you do it ” when he tells you to do something.

FetchezLaVache · 05/02/2019 13:24

Oh lovely, you sound like me a few years ago. I got to the point where ExH and I just sat in silence most of the time, because anything I said would be used against me as evidence of how stupid/useless/clumsy/whatever I was.

I read something on here recently that I thought was absolutely brilliant - changing one's mindset from assuming the worst of someone to assuming the best. Eg in the scenarios you describe (which REALLY resonated with me btw), you assume the best of your husband and he assumes the worst of you. Can you sit him down and say how incredibly draining it is to have someone tut and scoff at tiny, insignificant mistakes rather than do you the credit of recognising that you didn't MEAN to walk into the box? (My ExH was the type of person who would have made it my fault that he leant on the toy that sings songs as well, if that rings any bells.)

I used to fantasise about taking DS and leaving, too. So I did. And it's been blissful

Rega26 · 05/02/2019 13:38

I can completely relate to you OP, although I'm 4 children down the line. It doesn't get any better and now not only am I made to feel like I'm always in the wrong, the kids are too. We are all walking on eggshells.
My advice would be to tell him in no uncertain terms how unhappy it makes you and don't let him minimise your feelings. If he doesn't take you seriously then you're better off without him.
I wish I'd taken my own advice years ago before I became the anxious shell of a person I once was.

rosabug · 05/02/2019 13:46

I used to have an issue with my ex - not the same - his issue was being kind of cynical (in general) in front of our daughter. He said I could be the same, so we agreed on a code word. So if we were in the car and he started talking in a catty way about someone or something I would say "Orange" and he would know to check himself. However in your case I would tell your DH that you are going to use the code word "fuckwit" for every time he huffs and puffs.

Asta19 · 05/02/2019 13:55

I agree with pp's. Take action now or you will end up miserable and walking on eggshells all the time. You make it clear to him in no uncertain terms that it's unacceptable and be prepared to follow through. Sadly this isn't something that will get better if you leave it alone, it will only get worse. So the time to do something is now while you're still strong enough.

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