Hi,
I really need some advice from you guys. I don't want to ask any of my female friends in real life as I feel it will open a can of worms if my thoughts are out there in the real world.
I am approaching 47 and have always looked (and acted) younger. Not that I am blowing my own trumpet but I am still very good looking for my age. I was always very shy as a young girl and, rather than get myself out and about, I hid away in my bedroom and studied. I am in a professional job and educated up to MSc level.
I met my husband when I was on my year out from university. Stupid really, he was a bus driver and chatted to me. We got on well and it eventually led to marriage. He is ten years older than me and this has never been a problem until the last 5 years. I really notice it now not just in his appearance but also the stage of life he is at. I had doubts when he proposed but felt it had gone too far and I went through with it, even though both of my older brothers advised against it. I guess I felt I didn't want to be left on the shelf but didn't see I was very, very popular with the men (as I discovered later on when they confided in me).
Two children - now 15 and approaching 11. Both at crucial stages in their education (hence why I don't want to rock the boat). Very bright kids and I don't want to create disruption for them.
We have no sex life. At all. Tbh, I can't stand him near me but I am desperate for a loving and affectionate relationship. Although he is a sweet man, we get on well, he lacks emotion, affection and passion. Our sex life was sh*t. He was on and off on less than 5 mins and never brought me to orgasm. No play, nothing, He is very inexperienced with women and his GF before me ran off with a woman! He is emoionally cold. I don't think he realises! He never says 'I love you' only writes it in a birthday card. Never touched me etc. even when I would let him. I have told him I am unhappy numerous times but he is burying his head in the sand and thinks I am just moody. I am not. I am seriously unhappy.
My job:
I have worked in a good profession since 1996, after graduation. Love the job but we were forced to do nightshifts a few years ago and I am suffering with my health, as a result. I am getting a fast heartbeat later on during the nightshift and wake up after it with one. Googling 'nightshifts' and 'heart' scared the crap out of me and I need to do something! I have studied hard and got the required experience to move on up but have been treated badly by an old manager and missed out. So, I have been left very unhappy in my job too. I work crap hours and an unappreciated. Also, frustrated. DH also works shifts.
My ideas (crazy) are to leave both the job (for a better balance of working hours and not crazy shifts - very conscious I am coming up to 50 in a few years) and the DH. I really feel like moving further away but then what about the kids? I can't take them away from their schools. The youngest is quite shy and she didn't talk for two years at her school when she started (they thought she was selective mute). Although she snapped out of it, and is now in the top set for each subject, I don't want her confidence affected moving her to a new school/area. Also, she will be starting secondary in September so I want her to stay with her friends (who have helped her overcome her severe shyness). The boy is confident and bright but, again, I don't want to move him when he is 1/2 way through his GCSE's.
On the surface I have it all. Two newish cars, holidays (although I am still unhappy to be with him), a big 4 bed detached house, 2 lovely kids and plenty of money. BUT, severely unhappy. I can't live like this for much longer. I hide behind a fake smile.
I went to chat to a Relate counsellor who realised how unhappy I was and told me to prepare to separate. I have split our money and I am paying half the bills and anything left, from our own salaries, I am placing in our individual savings accounts. He has no idea I am doing this BTW. I have always handled the money. We have always had a joint account and I earn a good £1K more than him a month. I am also upping the mortgage payments to clear the mortgage in a year or just over a year. I want no debt if I decided to go.
What would you do? What should I do? Wait until youngest is in secondary and mortgage paid? I dread what life will be like once the kids are up and left home. He bores me to death.
Problem is, my career move would probably take me south as there are more options further south. I have and idea to rent for a year and then tell DH I want to split (so, sell the house). But, what about the kids?
I feel in such a mess tbh but this has been a feeling that has been getting stronger over the last 2 years.