Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Please help

17 replies

Ohdear2019 · 05/02/2019 06:52

I really need advice. I’ve been with my bf for 7 months and it’s been up and down. I feel like on some very basic things he hasn’t put me first. He also has a very close female friend let’s call her Amy. A few years ago they slept together and he told her he loved her. She didn’t reciprocate and apparently has form for doing this with men - I think she likes to keep them close knowing they like/love her.

Anyway their relationship recovered and they’re the best of friends. But several times now I feel like he’s chosen to go and see her over me often at times that have been pivotal in our relationship. He talks to her a lot, almost every day on WhatsApp and they talk often. He’s also confided in her about our relationship and problems and her advice whilst sometimes ok often takes his side.

Anyway I have mentioned to him a few weeks ago that I felt he put her first and also that it upset me and he didn’t say much.

Anyway tonight I decided to check his phone and I looked up the messages he had with his last serious gf before me (they went out for 5 months) and right at the end she says to him just before they break up it’s really clear you’re in love with Amy and are just using me.

It’s made me feel quite sick. I don’t know now whether I should have trusted my gut instinct or whether my instinct is in fact wrong. These messages are from
2016.

OP posts:

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 05/02/2019 06:57

His last GF was wise to walk away......

Dexra · 05/02/2019 06:58

Trust your gut. Seven months really is nothing. It should be fun at this stage -not lots of ups and downs.

category12 · 05/02/2019 06:58

Well, it's clear that this friendship has outlasted previous relationships where the woman had a problem with it.

I think "having ups and downs" in the first few months is quite odd tho. Surely this should be the easy bit, the fun part, the honeymoon period? If you're having problems this early on, I question whether you're a good match.

Maybe have a rethink of whether this is actually a good relationship for you at all.

OnlineAlienator · 05/02/2019 07:03

No brainer - bin bin bin.

OKhitmewithit · 05/02/2019 07:08

You’re not his priority. I’d leave

Original poster

Ohdear2019 · 05/02/2019 07:14

I’ve ended it with him lots of times. Maybe like 12 times. Twice in the last week. And he himself has had enough. If I end it now, it does have to be for good.

Im supposed I’m just worried. Maybe he has moved on and is past her but what if he hasn’t.

OP posts:

KeepCalm · 05/02/2019 07:25

He hasn't. Not in the slightest. Don't think you're only good enough to be anyone's 'back up' plan and move on.

Original poster

Ohdear2019 · 05/02/2019 07:35

He says he loves me, makes an effort most of the time. I think sometimes he has his priorities wrong but I did wonder if that was slightly down to immaturity and because he’s not had a proper relationship since his early 20s. I also think most of his friends - female and male - are similar. All seem to want relationships but go about it on the wrong way so it’s not like they even have good models to look at or be influenced by.

I feel very confused. His friends and family think I’ve messed him around a lot as well because Ive ended it so many times

OP posts:

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 05/02/2019 07:41

Forget what his friends and family think. What is right for you? As a PP said - you aren't his priority, and your ending it multiple times shows this relationship isn't right for you. Free yourself and him, and you'll find someone who puts you first. Don't be 2nd best, trailing in Amy's shadow.

LemonTT · 05/02/2019 08:04

I assume you “ended” things 11 times for 11 reasons. So that’s 11 reasons to end it permanently. I urge you to do so as this is going to destroy you.

If not then I would suggest you are very immature or you are being coercive. Dumping someone so you can get them to behave is abuse. Dumping someone for no good reason and then going back is just not a serious commitment. I don’t think you are ready for a relationship. You need to look at your own behaviour and maybe self esteem. I wouldn’t worry about his friends or him.

Sorry this is harsh but you need to hear it.

PatriciaHolm · 05/02/2019 08:18

You've broken up 11 times in 7 months?

Move on. It's clearly not the relationship for you and never has been.

ShatnersWig · 05/02/2019 08:18

I’ve ended it with him lots of times. Maybe like 12 times. Twice in the last week

Are you 15? Seriously OP, that's ridiculous behaviour from grown adults.

LaughingCow99 · 05/02/2019 08:36

He's blatantly in love with Amy. At least it looks that way to me. I'd get out of this relationship pronto. No-one should feel the way you do. You are not his priority, Amy is.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/02/2019 08:49

Stop being so daft. End it already.

0ccamsRazor · 05/02/2019 08:55

Ugh! Why are you still with him?

wishywashy6 · 05/02/2019 10:01

7 months in and you've ended it 12 times?
I've been with my BF 6 months and the most we've disagreed on is what takeaway to get.
It should be fun and easy at this stage. Walk away

MMmomDD · 05/02/2019 10:10

OMG is all I can say...
At 7mo it all should be happy, and lustfull and... happy...
Not wondering if the third person in this relationship is actually hos long lost love.
And not constant breakups, either.

He may not be in love with her - but she is clearly on a pedestal and until he meets someone who’ll make him chose HER over the ex - and would make him more excited about being with HER, and needing HER - he hasn’t moved on.
The ex is his comfort blanket and his emotional support, his confidant, etc.
While he is attached to her - he can’t really have a relationship with anyone.

Flip