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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner refusing to leave

29 replies

2minds8703 · 04/02/2019 22:01

I honestly don't know where to start this thread as I have let it go on for so much longer than it should have. In a long term relationship with 2 young children involved. Under 2 and 3. Whilst expecting baby number 1, things turned very dark. My partner started to become distant and was drinking during the week, secretive with his phone and just generally treating me like dirt. Naturally I became curious. After 6 months of this and finding sex toys in his work trousers, make up stained shirts ect. Not coming to appointments with me, I lost it one night he came home and passed out drunk, i unlocked his phone. To confirm all my "paranoia" in black and white, thousands of Snapchats bragging of the sex they were having. The blackmailing from her to him about telling his pregnant girlfriend if he didn't jump when she said. Explicit and vulgar texts going on for months. Needless to say, we split up. But after a few months of him begging and pleading and me being an apsolute fool. Head over heels with my first child, I gave him another chance. I wanted a family unit and as hard as it is to admit a part of me still loved him . Before I knew it I was pregnant with baby number 2. I was almost 18 weeks pregnant before I knew. At this point I had already regretted ever giving him another chance and at a very low point. I felt guilt, I felt stupid and I felt like my life was destroyed. How could I ever be so silly to think I could trust this man again? Now I won't only have one but two children to the person who thought so little of me. I don't know if it was a matter of burying my head because I was so busy with 2 small babies but..i hated this man. I resented him. I did not know what to do. So, bring ourselves to today where I can finally say I don't love him and do not want a future with him. I have told him this. He won't accept it. He refuses to leave the house. He tells me I am selfish and that I am breaking up the family. That I need help. I do not know what to do at this point as this is going on for 2 and half years. It was over before the first child was even born. I am miserable, I hate myself for allowing this be the example I set for my children and staying with someone just because I have children with them. I feel like the only option I have left is to go down the legal route as he point blank will not leave. I can't live this life any longer. We do not talk, if we have to, it ends up in a fight. He sits in one room, I sit in the other. It is like having a room mate who spends on average about an hour an evening(sometimes less) with his children before bed. He brings them nowhere, never has them on his own. I feel trapped by his words and feel like there is no way out of this.

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 04/02/2019 22:03

So sorry for you OP. Practical stance: who owns/ rents the house? Do you have family nearby etc?

AnotherEmma · 04/02/2019 22:04
Flowers Are you married? Mortgage or rented? In joint names or just one of you?
BollocksToBrexit · 04/02/2019 22:05

Go down the legal route. Get this arse out if your home.

2minds8703 · 04/02/2019 22:05

We are not married, he moved into the house I am renting long term (will buy) before baby number 1 was born. The house is in my name.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 04/02/2019 22:06

Excellent news. So you give him reasonable notice to move out (I suggest 1 week) and then change the locks. All legal.

Quartz2208 · 04/02/2019 22:07

If it’s just in your name you can force him to leave

AnotherEmma · 04/02/2019 22:07

PS I suggest you change locks while he is out at work and ideally get a friend or family member to come round in the evening in case he turns up and puts up a fight

2minds8703 · 04/02/2019 22:11

Yes I have considered this so many times but I guess I still have to face him for my children's sake re access....and that will have to be court. I don't know maybe it's things he has said but I feel like I will have failed my children by dragging them through courts. If I haven't failed them enough by putting up with this..

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 04/02/2019 22:11

So you have the right to occupy. He doesn't. Something similar happened to me once. I gave him 2 weeks notice and my mum came to stay. He didn't like my mum, and he found himself somewhere else to live. Result!

2minds8703 · 04/02/2019 22:16

He doesn't like my mum either cause she always knew he was bad news long before me, mum's and their instincts eh! Do you mind me asking if there was children involved? This is my fear, I will face it but I want to protect them it at the same time.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 04/02/2019 22:18

You won't necessarily have to go to court to arrange contact. You would have to do mediation first - if one parent refuses mediation then it makes them look bad in court!

One step at a time, anyway. Get him out and then you can work on the rest.

Lovelilies · 04/02/2019 22:21

Be prepared for him to turn into mr Perfect also. IME they do this to snare you again with all the empty promises and you think it'll all be ok... but it's built on sand and sooner or later comes crumbling down around you.
You've got the house on your side, you can get him to leave. I won't lie, you'll need balls of steel to keep things amicable for the sake of the kids can't say I'm managing too well on that front

2minds8703 · 04/02/2019 22:22

I didn't realise that thank you. I think because I an just emotionally drained and quite honestly weak im nearly used of just getting on with it. Where does one find strength at such a low time.

OP posts:
2minds8703 · 04/02/2019 22:26

That is the apsolute reality of what I'm dealing with. Jekyll and Hyde. We had an argument last Sunday and I told him I was getting a solicitors letter to get him to leave. He is now coming straight home from work, bathing the kids, sending sweet texts in the morning(all bullshit) and all things he should be doing without even thinking about. I have been there so many times with him, I finally know it's all lies. I guess I'm going to have to find strength from somewhere to face this.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 04/02/2019 22:28

Advicenow guides on divorce and separation (including child contact arrangements)

Singlenotsingle · 04/02/2019 22:29

OP - yes children were involved. A little boy by an ExH and his own baby boy. We never saw or heard from him ever again.

2minds8703 · 04/02/2019 22:32

Wow. I was not expecting that. I don't know whether to say sorry for that or well done your better off! Can't be easy either way. It's comforting to know there are other people in these situations and who find the courage to walk away.

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 04/02/2019 22:40

Not married? You can just kick him out. Why haven’t you?

Lovelilies · 04/02/2019 22:53

TBH it can be easier if they do disappear into the sunset, I've had one that did and one that's forever in our lives

Singlenotsingle · 04/02/2019 23:30

I expect the bastard was worried I'd be after him for money. We managed quite well without his input, and now that DS is married with dc of his own. (And he's a wonderful dad, even though he had no one to show him how!)

BornInAThunderstorm · 04/02/2019 23:37

If you have a yale lock in upvc doors you can buy a new barrel from a DIY shop and replace the lock yourself with a screwdriver.

Do it when he’s out tomorrow. Liberate yourself from the arsehole.

HeavenlyEyes · 05/02/2019 09:00

I very much doubt he would go after you for contact with the children anyway - he sounds like he would not bother?

Anyway - I agree with the above. Change locks. Get rid. And all the guilt about breaking up the family - well surely that lies with him for being an unfaithful git so many years ago? He sound vile.

Then get your Child Maintenance claim started too - trust me, it can take months for them to sort it.

2minds8703 · 05/02/2019 17:18

Thanks so much for the advice. I have an appointment with a solicitor in the morning, as tempting as it is to change locks and kick out. I do not want to put my children in danger of breaking in ect. Hopefully this will solve it for me 🤞🤞

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 05/02/2019 18:08

You don't need to see a solicitor - if his name is not on the tenancy agreement and you are not married, you can legally tell him to leave and call the police and/or change the locks if he doesn't. but if a solicitor gives you piece of mind fair enough.

2minds8703 · 06/02/2019 11:47

You were spot on, i did need to see the solicitor to discuss other issues within our families. But I am completely within my rights to change the locks and call the the guards if he creates any issues. And this is exactly what I am going to do.

OP posts: