Marriage/couples counselling experiences?

[CoffeeChocolateWine]

Posted in Chat but no replies so thought I’d repost here...

Interested to hear from people who have had marriage/couples counselling. How did you find it...did it help and if so how? Did you and your OH find each other again or did you split up anyway? Just wondering what to expect so if anyone could share their experiences with me here I’d be grateful.

We're in therapy atm. We generally have a good relationship (married 25 years) but had got stuck on an issue that was starting to threaten our equilibrium. It's been fantastically helpful, challenging and at times a little overwhelming but we're both really glad we're doing it. It's made a big difference and I would say we have found each other again.

I think you both need to go into it wholeheartedly, and stick with it when it gets tough - and there will be some very difficult moments. We've had about 10 sessions so far, and I think we're probably nearing the end of what we need right now. I can see us going back for top ups now and then if we were to find ourselves slipping back. Overall a positive experience and well worth the money.

Ours was the last straw and we split up.We really tried but it was clear it was too late.

We went for some counselling after hitting a rough patch.

It was so shit we actually bonded over how ridiculous it was. We're still together.

My wife and I did marriage counselling early in our marriage (like year 2) honestly because I was an immature mid 20s male who had no clue what a good husband let alone a decent husband was. It was extremely uncomfortable for me to hear what I was/ was not doing and the hurt it was causing to her. But, with her patience and determination, we went to counselling for a little over a year and a half. We became really close and this April of 2018 we celebrated our 25th anniversary. So, yes counselling can work, but it is work.

Thanks so much for replies so far. It sounds like it is definitely worth us exploring. I like to think that we haven’t left it too late and we are both really wanting to make things work. But there are certain issues in our marriage that we can’t seem to resolve ourselves and I really feel like they are becoming toxic in our relationship and our family. I can’t go on like that, it’s not healthy. So we are hoping that talking them through with a counsellor will help us work through them.

Another question: how often did you end up going for sessions? For instance @toddman70, when you say you ended up going for about a year and a half, was that every week for that length of time or did they become ad hoc?

Saved and dramatically improved my relationship. went once a week for about 2 months then twice a month for 2 months then stopped needing it.

We’re doing it now and it’s really good. We did it years ago and it was rubbish.
My advice to anyone looking for counselling is to choose your counsellor very carefully. Wait if you have to. The good ones (who usually have a lot of experience) are worth the wait.

If I remember correctly, we went once a week as a couple for three months, then every other week for the remainder of the time as a couple. During the off week I went by myself probably 20 - 30 times over the the complete duration. As I said, I was immature, and a severe wake up call.

Currently going to private counselling .I insisted that we go when I discovered that he had been unfaithful.Otherwise, I was out of the marriage.I needed to see if It was possible for me to stay .
Been to 3 sessions out of 8 so far.It has been a great experience.A safe place to express our feelings without fear of turning into anger.And therapist is forcing him to give me the answers to my questions that he was reluctant to do.We have been given "homework" to do that has really shown us some surprises.And yes, we do have a laugh together at some of requests.Which hasn't happened for awhile.
I'm glad we are going as it has given me great peace of mind.I did not want to remain an angry, bitter and sad person, no matter what the outcome will be .

I hated it - went for three sessions. But then I started seeing her on my own after that and that’s been fantastic as it’s addressed many of my old issues and we’re still together

Thanks so much. I’m really heartened by reading all these positive experiences.

@heidiwine, how do you find the ‘right’ counsellor? I was planning to contact our local Relate and go from there. Should I be doing more thorough reseach?

I found ours through google. I didn't have anything else to go on as I didn't want to ask around. I picked her because she looked to be around the same age as us (mid 50s) and I thought that might work better than someone younger. I also didn't want a man (sorry guys). We took the view that if we didn't like her, or thought she wasn't right for us we would try someone else, but it's turned out ok, and I think I was right about the age thing.

@coffeechocolatewine I’ve DMed you.
Seeing the most recent post - I completely understand why in some cases someone may want a counsellor of a specific gender. However, I’ve had a lot of counselling over my life (pretty messed up round the edges... and at the core!). Of the 7 or 8 counsellors I’ve seen the two guys were the most effective (although not the kindest or most likeable). Not saying that’s because they’re men but just saying that I wouldn’t write anyone off based on their gender.