Advise needed

[Swalk1989]

Hi, I need some advise.

My husband is 39 and I am 29. My husband has 3 children from a previous relationship, they are 12,10 & 7. They come round ours twice a week.

Last year we bought a house together and got married but I’m finding it extremely difficult to want to spend time with his children. They are very hard work and when I come home from work when they are round I pull into the drive and dread walking into the house. They haven’t been bought up very well and they are constantly arguing with each other. When the children are round I feel like a stranger in my own home.
I have spoken to my husband about this but he gets very angry and says I’m jealous of his children, which is not the case at all!!!
My husband doesn’t let me tell his children off, when I have before he then shouts at me so In all honesty I have given up as I am not getting the support from him.

We have an ongoing arguement, in the near future we hope to have children of our own.
We bought a 5 bedroom house, when we bought the house his middle daughter demanded to have the 2nd largest bedroom which I said no to as I wanted this to be a guest room then a nursery when we have our own baby. But my husband said she could have the bedroom and now he is saying when we have a baby they will have the small bedroom. His children stay at ours one night a week, so I feel like this is pretty unfair. He said that he doesn’t want the child to feel ‘replaced’ which is why I didn’t want to her to have the bedroom in the first place. I have suggested to move her bedroom now before any baby or pregnancy happenes so she won’t associate the room change with the baby, but my husband won’t listen to me.

I feel that it is unfair that this is 50% my house I pay for half the bills and mortgage, but what I want doesn’t matter.
I feel like my husband only focuses on what his current kids want and if we have children his kids at the moment will always come first before our kids.

My husband thinks I’m being horrible and jealous of his kids, but just want some options of what you think! Am I being unreasonable or is he??

Your husband needs reminding marriage is about listening to each other and finding a compromise, not everything going his way. If the children lived at yours full time I absolutely think current kids should have the biggest rooms. But as they're only there once or twice a week this does not make sense, the baby should have the bigger room. Seems that he may have some feelings of guilt regarding his current children. How did his previous relationship end? His fault?

I find it weird that your DH has said you can't tell his kids off-they're your stepchildren so you should coparent really. He is making it unnecessary difficult.

The kids are here to stay so the situation needs resolving

I agree its daft for the eldest child to have the 2nd bedroom only once a week when you want it for the baby. You should be able to tell them off they are in your house too. Think he needs to see it from your point of view. He is committed to another baby I assume.

I'm in a similar situation & I'm about to start divorce proceedings. In my experience it doesn't get any better & you will never have any say in your own home.

"They haven't been brought up very well and are constantly arguing with each other"

Siblings argue. Whether they've been brought up 'well' or not. If you have more than one child yourself you'll probably laugh at yourself for ever saying this sentence

Did you know he had kids when you got into the relationship with him? It's kind of a given that you're going to have to make a few sacrifices when you get into a relationship with someone who already has children. If they're only there one night a week, I'd say you really need to grit your teeth and make the effort with them. No matter what your opinion on their upbringing, they are part of the man you love and you may find you get more out of them if you relax a bit and learn to let things go a little. I don't mean let them get away with murder but, when you say 'telling them off' what is it for? Is it major things? Or things you could just let go for the sake of building a better relationship with them? Kids often behave better for someone they respect, not always someone who tries to lay down the law.
That said, yes you should totally have a say in who has which bedroom etc. It's your house too and your husband is in the wrong for expecting his current kids to rule the roost, especially if you're planning on starting a family.
It sounds like you need to calmly address a way to approach the issues with your husband when the children aren't around. Say you want to support him with things like discipline etc but need to agree some boundaries so that you're both on the same page.

Surely you saw all of these warning signs before you married your husband?

So you want to move his daughter to another room so as to leave it free for a a hypothetical baby that you may or may not have in the future?

I wouldn't be having dc with him any time soon.

I think you and he should seek support and work out better ways of handling things. Get it right with the step-parenting before you have dc together. Otherwise it'll just get horrible for everyone. You're well on the way to disliking and resenting his dc, and you need to get to a better place for them.

And honestly, if you can't get to a place where you feel positive about his dc, you should end the relationship. They're a part of the package.

This marriage is not going to work.

Sadly, I think Shatnerswig is right. This marriage sounds to be in trouble already.
OP, what was the reason for the failure of DH’s first marriage? Was it due to his stubbornness, unwillingness to compromise and inability to see his wife’s point of view? He sounds very dictatorial and controlling, and he has a damn cheek when you own half the house!
I’d be rapidly reconsidering having children with him - I think your baby would always play second fiddle to his existing kids, if he even actually goes ahead with conceiving one with you.

Thank you for all your comments. So some more information in response to you all...

So telling them off was for jumping out off the window and walking on the roof... which I got told off for and slamming the doors in the house in anger. Normally I just let things go but I could not things like that slide under the rug!!!

And when I say badly behave, they swear all the time saying the f word and c word, one of the kids 3 times run up massive phone bills through his x box!!! 2 were in excess of £150.00!!
Please tell me if this is normal child behaviour?

And I used to spend a lot of time with the kids and we would go for days out but their behaviour has got worse and my husband argues a lot with me in front of the kids about ridiculous stuff like I have used a new mug for my tea... it gets too much for me and gets me down so I try and get on with my own stuff. The last few years we have only been on holidays for the kids, our honey moon has been our only holiday together!! So I feel that I am considerate with regards to that. I would like to go on a nice holiday this year which is just us, which is another argument.

It’s my husband that wants more kids, I’m happy as I am at the moment l, I work a lot and Want another nice holiday before I settle down and have kids but he already has a list of kids names and keeps on telling friends and family.

And I agree with you all it is coming to the stage where I wonder whether getting married was the best idea.
And I wouldn’t want to have a child at the moment when we can’t even agree on bedrooms it’s so ridiculous

The arguement got a bit out of control the other day. I had a couple of glasses of wine and the subject was bought up and again he wouldn’t listen to my point of view. So in anger I went to her room and put a few things in a box... he threw me to the floor several times, kicked me down the stairs and said he was going to throw me out of the house in the cold.

he threw me to the floor several times, kicked me down the stairs and said he was going to throw me out of the house in the cold

I think it's safe to say that your marriage is over.

You should speak to a solicitor about divorce and separating finances. Also speak to Womens Aid as he is a nasty violent bastard and will probably kick off again. www.womensaid.org.uk/

Also have a look at therapy for yourself to resolve any underlying issues that led you to marrying this man and having such poor boundaries and low self esteem.

@Swalk1989 oh wow ok, leave.
His kids are the least of your worries

Wow. The children are the least of your problems. You’re not happy. You’re not safe! Please take steps to leave and if he ever assaults you again - which he will, because it’s never just the once - call the police and have him arrested.

My comments based on your original post would be your husband is responsible for how his children are being brought up and if you don’t agree with how he’s doing this then you absolutely shouldn’t have children with him. Most people don’t get to see how their spouse/partner will parent before the children are there and it’s then too late if you really disagree. You can see exactly what he’s like and don’t like it, so why bring another innocent child into the picture.

However, you need to leave, get a divorce and never see him again as he’s a violent bully who is putting your life in danger.

Well that's the biggest drip feed in the history of MN

Well, that escalated quickly.

You need to leave him immediately. His children are not the problem.

@Meabh1996 If you are genuine, you need to start your own thread, not post on someone else's (this is the second time you've done this today)

Oh dear op please leave him.

Sorry about that i will im new to this

*The argument got a bit out of control

A BIT?!!
*
Im sorry but I hope you don't have a baby with this man, he clearly has zero respect for you and it will most likely get worse when you're pregnant-it always does.

Please find support and get out of this marriage whilst you can.