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Relationships

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Original poster

How many of you settled?

36 replies

toffeeapple123 · 04/02/2019 19:15

Been in love only a couple times in my life and those relationships didn't work. Also had a few long term relationships where I thought it would go somewhere, that I'd fall in love, but I never did.

Approaching mid 30s, I only have a few years left to meet 'the one.'

I want to fancy him, to feel butterflies. Yes, it doesn't always last, but it's important to me. I will have to want to sleep with him and enjoy it.

Why is this so difficult to find? Tempted to give up and settle - but tbh I'd rather be alone, but the thought of giving up my dream of having a life hurts too much.

Any advice?

OP posts:

Scott72 · 05/02/2019 02:54

The main thing is if you want kids or not. If you do, then its time to consider "settling" or embracing single motherhood. If you don't, then there's no need to change your life drastically.

Justagirlwholovesaboy · 05/02/2019 02:58

Never settle, it wouldn’t be fair on you or him

MrsTerryPratcett · 05/02/2019 03:00

Almost. In my 30s, met an 'on paper good' man. Nice, great job, worked out, bought thoughtful presents, sweet parents, adored me. I married DH instead. At the time I met him he was unemployed, living in a tiny flat, really far away from me.

I've never regretted it for a second. But I would have been fine with no children. As it worked out we had DD but having children wasn't essential to me then.

Smotheroffive · 05/02/2019 03:08

Get yourself out there more. Have you put ads in the paper? Done speed dating? old?
Mixed clubs?

Please don't 'settle' what would be the point?

adayatthebeach · 05/02/2019 03:11

As someone who did..don’t but it’s been a good life.

BitOfFun · 05/02/2019 03:16

I think it's a bad idea to "settle", especially if it's because you want children. You'd basically be signing up for sharing care of them in the future, and risking one of those awful situations where your ex hides his money and screws you financially. It's likely to be a messy and unpleasant break-up, because it's practically inevitable that you'll meet somebody you feel absolutely compelled to shag/fall in love with. It's life.

sofato5miles · 05/02/2019 03:25

It depends what you are settling on. I settled romantically and sexually, but he is a very gentle, kind man and a genuinely hands on father. He also has an amazing job which has taken us all over the world so we have had a ball, external to our relationship.

After 15 years we have both decided to split as we want more than to be co-parents and to do it while we can be good friends.

This means as we head to our 50s, we are both financially stable, still enjoy socialising together and have 50/50 with our lovely kids.

Now as we meet future partners, this may change. But as we chose each other sensibly as nice, interesting people there is a sadness that nothing deeper grew but we are both reasonably happy with the outcome.

Friends who married for fire and sex have had hideous divorces and damaged everyone.

There is no easy answer but marriage often doesn't work out. My head on approach at 30 has meant a best case scenario divorce which is very ironic.

Just something for the mix.

BitOfFun · 05/02/2019 03:30

If the issue is your biological clock, then there is a lot to be said for going down the sperm donor route.

MistressDeeCee · 05/02/2019 03:39

It may not be so bad to settle, if the man you settle for is kind (kindness is so important), and has same life ideas/similar goals.

Personally I can't do without that spark tho - I have to fancy a man physically.

IME women who don't meet anyone, live quite small. Do the same things go to the same places (that's if they go out at all) and don't ever venture further or branch out.

I see some women on here & in RL say OLD is best for them because they're busy with no time to date. I still can't fathom how on earth there's time for an actual relationship if you can't be asked to make time for dates. It doesn't correlate.

You're free and single OP. No children as yet so youre not tied to home. You have time. You can get up and branch out, make experiences for yourself try new activities and places and groups. You will meet someone and have nice times along the way.

There are lots of men out there, no harm in doing a bit of 'shopping' as it were

mrbob · 05/02/2019 03:48

IME women who don't meet anyone, live quite small. Do the same things go to the same places (that's if they go out at all) and don't ever venture further or branch out

Fuck off. I have lived in various places. Am about to move interstate for another awesome job then come back to my dream career. Off skiing next week with a huge group of nice people. Several awesome trips planned this year. Have lots of lovely friends.

Yes I would like to meet someone. And maybe i will. I have no intention of living small

PhoenixBuchanan · 05/02/2019 03:55

You might want to to read the article "Marry Him" that was published in The Atlantic magazine several years ago. It makes the case for "settling". It's an interesting and thought provoking read.

https://www.google.ca/amp/s/www.theatlantic.com/amp/article/306651/

BitOfFun · 05/02/2019 03:56

Yeah, but it's a fair point about being too busy to date organically but having room for a relationship.

Smotheroffive · 05/02/2019 03:57

...live small !
What pointless and irrelevant and probably untrue thing to say. Ppl live their lives with and without partners. Are you saying women dobtbdo anything unless they have a man in their life. Good god! I have come across some very dull men who don't want to go anywhere or do anything, they don't suddenly transform into globetrotters just because they have a partner.

Justagirlwholovesaboy · 05/02/2019 04:10

It’s bad for both parties, especially the one being used in this arrangement:(

BitOfFun · 05/02/2019 04:33

I don't really get the outrage at "living small", to be honest. Many people fall into a bit of a rut, surely? It's not a criticism of their character, or of their hopes and dreams: it's just the grinding reality of day-to-day life.

MistressDeeCee · 05/02/2019 04:36

Are you saying women dobtbdo anything unless they have a man in their life. Good god!

Don't be purposley ridiculous.

Don't put words in my mouth.

My comment was related to what OP specifically asked about in terms of men/relationships. Not whatever you are talking about.

I was offering advice. & I wasn't talking to you so spare me your rudeness and projection it's not relevant.

Nothing is stopping you starting your own post about the glories of living without a man, not that it's anything to do with me. I didn't ask you a thing

TeddyIsaHe · 05/02/2019 04:37

Live small!! What? What a sad mindset to have that a man is the only thing that completes your life and enables you to venture further out from your comfort zone

MrsTerryPratcett · 05/02/2019 05:16

Actually I work in homelessness and with people insecurely housed. There are so many single men living small, lonely, sad lives. IME women seem to keep family ties going a little more. And are more likely to have children single as well.

Loneliness kills people but being single doesn't mean being lonely.

LellyMcKelly · 05/02/2019 05:17

I don’t think it’s at all fair on the other person. They’re entitled to be with someone who feels the same way about them. I married a man who later turned out to be gay, but he settled for me because I looked right on paper and we got along well. I was mad about him, and 20 years and two kids later am mad that he didn’t let me go at the start to find someone who loved me as much as I loved them. You can’t predict everything of course, and I’ll never regret having the kids, but by now I’d like to have been looking forward to a comfortable retirement and travelling together, and I feel like part of my future has been taken from me.

MistressDeeCee · 05/02/2019 05:21

Even sadder a decidedly to make a whole Jackanory based on what's in your mind as opposed to what's actually said - or not, as the case is actually.

It's clear live small = in terms of meeting men, not a person's whole life🙄. It's triggered you, I guess...

Feel free to offer your own perfect advice on the post tho.

flatpackbox · 05/02/2019 05:21

IME women who don't meet anyone, live quite small. Do the same things go to the same places (that's if they go out at all) and don't ever venture further or branch out

This really is the biggest load of 💩. Live quite small, wow.

flatpackbox · 05/02/2019 05:23

It's clear live small = in terms of meeting men, not a person's whole life🙄

That is not what you said at all ... Do the same things go to the same places (that's if they go out at all) and don't ever venture further or branch out

MistressDeeCee · 05/02/2019 05:26

Are you all parrots now..?

You aren't interested in advising the OP, just beadily picking apart what I said. It's not your post - stop derailing. Why not advise OP..? She asked a question. I advised what I thought and wasn't being rude to her - you've taken it on yourselves to be rude to me tho

What are you all, the deciders of what can be said and advised? Post isn't about me

& Fuck off with trolling me btw

flatpackbox · 05/02/2019 05:30

Not parrots at all just shocked at your viewpoint and as someone who created an absolutely great life as a single woman find your live small amazingly ignorant.

pococops · 05/02/2019 05:31

I settled young with someone 'good on paper' I did love him but not sure that was that spark. We are divorced now. I've since had flings where I've fallen but not worked for other reasons (in one case distance)
I've lived a very full life at times, which is when I've met someone, now is a quiet time and as MistressDeeCee says I'm 'living small' at the moment, focusing on work so not getting out there, which will have to change.
Anyway, OP, I'd say don't settle but perhaps making dating a priority, OLD, hobbies getting out there so to speak

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