DP's ex causing massive problems with DP's daughter- he is distraught

[cantseethelight]

I am at the end of my tether. This is a long rant, for which I apologise in advance.

My DP has not had any contact with his 10 year old daughter (SD) for 6 months or so. SD has told DP that she does not want to see him because he chose me instead of the family. her mother claims she does not want to force her to see him because that would be betraying her.

DP did leave the ex for me. They had had a very tempestuous relationship for the 2 or 3 years before he met me, by all accounts. However from the outset he has maintained contact with SD and has made clear that he wants to be as big a part of her life as possible.
When he first left the ex (2 years ago, now) she tried every guilt trip in the book to get him back including a threat of suicide on Christmas eve. He went back to her to try and stabilise the situation, as he felt responsible for SD, who was bearing the brunt of her mother's irrational, unstable behaviour, and who would have been left without a mum if she had carried out her threat. I don't think she would have done it, but at the time it seemed possible that she would, her behaviour is so irrational.

Then 6 months later, he went back again, cos her behaviour and what she was doing, through SD, to punish him, was so awful. He felt so, so guilty for poor SD, he thought he should go back and suffer the ex, for SD's sake. Everyone told him it was the last thing he should do, but he did it anyway. He was in a very low state, unable to think sensibly. It was like he just shut out everyone including me. I was devastated. Needless to say, after 2 weeks, he realised again he had made another big mistake. He realised it was not in SD's best interests for him to stay with the ex simply to avoid her screwing up her daughter. It would never work. However, his coming and going, although well intentioned, must have been extremely confusing and upsetting for SD.

Anyway, he and I then moved in together, and SD started coming to stay with us EOW for 6 or 7 months. Although we had some problems with her (mostly jealous, insecure behaviour- understandable, especially when her dad had been home and left, twice), I was trying to help to reassure her, and things were definitely improving. She seemed to enjoy doing things with me and I made a big effort to make her feel loved and included. I was becoming very fond of her and I think she liked me too, although clearly felt guilty at times for doing so, so would suddenly be horrid for no reason.
Then, for no aparent reason, she suddenly announced she was not going to come to stay with us anymore because she hated me living with her dad . This progressed to refusing to do ANYTHING with her dad. Not even go out for tea, or swimming or anything they used to do. They had, up till then, had an excellent relationship.
DP dotes on SD , and she clearly loved him too. Although, being an only child, and having lived in a home where her parents didn't get on, she would never have had to share him her dad with anyone. I had always made sure I let them have loads of time alone together, and told SD on a few occasions that I would never come between her and her dad. However, we know that her mum is always telling her otherwise and has done her best to ruin the good relationship they had.

She has already told SD her dad left because her didn't love THEM enough, that I came and TOOK her dad away from THEM etc. He has tried talking to SD, but (1) is rubbish at talking about issues and (2) is always scared of the ex's reaction to everything, and the implicatons (ie will she mess up the kid's head even more?) . You have no idea what this woman will do to get back at him. She is a law unto herself. Every day he receives texts from her saying he has destroyed his daughter's life and how now he is getting what he deserves, that his daughter now sees who he really is etc.

Mediation has failed- the ex won't make any effort to insist that SD has contact with her dad.

Meanwhile DP is in the depths of depression at the thought that he is completely helpless and his daughter doesn't want to know him.

Does anyone have any suggestions? he keeps phoning her, going to her school events, and anything he can attend he does. But she is just rude to him. He is so so upset, and I think it's going to ruin our relationship as he can't see anything positive in his life at all. He is distant and volatile and cold, when we previously enjoyed a really warm, close relationship. It's breaking my heart, and especially that this woman is hell bent on destroying us and she is succeeding.

I feel so confused, and helpless and so guilty at how this poor child's head has been messed up, when things could have been so different.
Has anyone any experience of this kind of thing?

I sympathise with you entirely CSTL. My dp and I have been in a very similar situation with his 3 kids and it is soul destroying.
We left our respective partners to live together and have 3 kids each. While my ex and I promised each other that we would always put the kids before our own feelings, his ex has been an absolute nightmare, telling the children lies, saying that their dad loves me not them now etc etc. It is outside of his control although he tries his hardest to maintain reasonable contact and does see them every two weeks. This was only achieves through the courts as she would tell him that the kids did not want to see him etc.. One thing that helped us was reading some stuff about parental alienation syndrome on the web. This outlines exactly the sort of situation your dp and mine find themselves in. The other advice would be to simply persevere - if she keeps hearing that he loves her she will take it in. Her response is not her own but her mother's and it is a crime to do this to a child.
I too had to live with the uncertainty of his guilt and whether or not he would be strong enough not to go back to a dead relationship and you need to think about yourself too. Stay positive with him and plan ahead for when things are easier for you all. It is 2 years in for us and there are still times when we could cheerfully give up on the whole situation but just keep ploughing ahead!

How awful for you. The one thing that struck me is that her previous maniplative behaviour "worked" in that it brought him back for a time. The overall result could be that she has taken longer than necessary to get the message that the marriage is over and he's not with that family any more. It's almost as if, despite it being two years he is really at teh beginning of the separation process. Not much help really except it could mean that things will improve. But he probably needs to be clear and consistent. His lvoe for his daughter is unswerving. So is his desire to see her. She is always welcome in his new home but the old relationship with her mother is finished for good.

Good luck.

Hmm from the other side would guess you are hearing just one side of the story - when (D)H left me/thrown out for OW - I made every effort NOT to jeapordise his relationship with DD (and trust me it is hard as you really do want to hurt them as much as they have hurt you)....when I spoke to OW - he had told her I was mad paranoid lunatic had threatened he would never see DD (I had never ever said this).....guess you see your DP through rose tinted specs marrige breakup is NEVER one sided and you have heard one side ...after all in all honesty he did choose you over his family, he did leave them for you...at 10 she can probably figure this out for herself ...it takes a very strong person (which his exP may not be not to hit out)

Macdoodle- I totally see where you are coming from and agree there is always fault on both sides. But many friends of theirs have told me how volatile and difficult the ex was during the marriage, and whilst DP probably didn't help matters,- I was not the cause of their break-up, I was a symptom of a marriage which was, by all accounts an unhappy one many years before he met me.

I am not proud of being involved with someone married. It's not my style at all, but I guess you can't choose who you love. I realise many MNers have been on the receiving end, and I totally understand if you hate me as the OW in this scenario. I hate that I have played a part in what has been a very distressing time for the ex and daughter, but my DP has tried to do the best by his daughter.
He never left THEM, he left his wife and made it clear that he would devote as much time as she would let him, to sharing the care of his daughter with her. He has never missed a payment, overpays by about 200%, has offered to have her as much as the ex will allow, and take a very active role in her upbringing.
I appreciate she is hurt, but we are 2 years further on now and she is punishing him worse than ever. Surely at some point she should be able to think about the effect she is having on her child?

That thing that departimg men say about not leaving the children, only leaving their wife doesn't really work unfortunately. Because as far as a child is concerned, their father's role is to be where they expect him to be, where he's always been and basically to be their father in a consistent and reliable way. That doesn't meant that things can't improve just that his defence will be in direct contrast to the child's experience.