Will I ever be happy after moving away

[AC1810]

I’ve never posted on a forum before or even really know what I’m looking to gain but of only one person reads this and can provide some advice then I am truly grateful.

I’ve been with my partner for nearly five years, he is from the North East whereas I am from Sheffield. I moved two years ago now, leaving a happy life and a job I loved, full of people I adored.

He always said he would never consider moving because he has a son from another relationship. Whilst I understand that, I am finding being here unbearable.

When I first moved, I was able to transfer jobs; remaining in the same organisation but within a different role. I was travelling all the time and did not enjoy what I was doing. I then fell pregnant (planned) with a son who is now 16 months old. He is my world but I am struggling being away from home and with the lack of support I have. I feel like I never get a break and can’t even remember the last time me and my partner did anything on our own.

I have no friends here. I have never been a confident person, I have really close friends and family back home but never had the confidence to try and make any friends here (parenting classes etc), I just assumed it would happen when I changed offices. People from my office up here were pleasant but already their own fulfilled lives. When I was on maternity leave things got even worse and I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression; things I never thought would happen to me, I often questioned how ‘real’ these conditions could be and know my partner questions mine all the time! I have been on medication for a while but struggled with the therapy sessions as they filled me with sadness and resentment.

My partner says that I “knew what I was getting myself into” by moving here but this is unfair and not true at all. Who ever fully knows what they are getting themselves into? Instead, the job I had up here was that bad that I managed to agree a transfer back to my old team, working three days a week for them remotely. I still love that job but I work from home now and miss being part of my team. I often travel back so Sheffield for meetings etc and it breaks my heart when I have to leave.

To make matters worse, my partner now manages a team in Sheffield too and also spends a lot of time there, often on days when I’m not working and at home alone with our son. I am here when his other son comes home from school and often feel that he has everything he wants in life where as I am having to make these huge sacrifices; both physical and mental!

I am torn between an unhappy life here or ending my relationship, uprooting my son and starting life all over again back home. I love my partner so much and would be devastated to lose him but I am a shell of who I used to be. I count down the days until I get to go home to visit or until anyone comes to visit me. I don’t want much from life, just the little things I think we all take for granted - coffee and a chat, an hours break when you’re at your wits end! I just don’t know what to do anymore, do I just need to give it more time or are things clearly never going to improve?

The life you left may not be there if you were to move back OP. You have changed, you have a DC - things are never what they were - people and life move on.

IME the best time to make friends is with a young toddler and when they start going to nursery and school. I worked F/T when mine were at nursery but I used to walk them to and from school later. I got chatting to other mothers, the DCs were invited to birthday parties where I met other mums, I talked to people in my street.

I think the problem lies in your anxiety and depression, which will follow you back to Sheffield - it won't magically disappear in a new (old) environment. I would suggest you focus on these issues. Have you thought about counselling? I would suggest you go back to your GP and ask about therapy or options available to help you feel more confident in yourself.

If your relationship is secure and loving I would hold onto this.

This is really difficult one but very personal to me. I live in Sheffield and had to make a decision about moving or staying when I broke up with my ex who lives here. I knew I would really struggle being constantly reminded of him and would run into him if I stayed. He tried to make me leave, but I just couldn't. There is something about this city that I know I will never get anywhere else. I'm unemployed, single and living alone, and struggle very badly with anxiety and depression, and Sheffield is the only thing that has kept me going. So I competely understand the difficulties that you have.

So I would say a few things. Firstly I would write down the pros and cons of going back vs staying. I would think very seriously too about two things: is your old life still there for you to return to, and are you 100% sure that it isn't a case of the grass being greener?

Also, is there anything that you can do to replicate what you have lost? You've picked up on this but what exactly do you miss and what can be replaced? Can you find equally nice coffee shops, join some meetup groups to make new friends, or make it so that you have time for friends to visit and for you to visit them on a regular basis?

If you can't replace what you've lost and these things really are essential to your happiness, how could you feasibly make it work? Could you make a regular trip to Sheffield with your partner and use the time that he is working to socialise and reconnect? Could you rent an airBnB every fortnight and spend a couple of days with friends?

Also what could/would your partner do to help you with this? Hopefully there is a compromise to make you both happy in this situation.

Thanks both 😘 like I say I'm not really too sure what magical solution I'm expecting because I know there isn't one. The problem is, whoever I talk to has too many emotional attachments. My friends and family, of course, want me to move home and that solution is simple for them!

Falaff - Newcastle is a fantastic place but I need another outlet that isn't my partner or my son. I just need someone up here to talk to. I used to see my friends a lot, even if it was just for an hour or so. Some of the girls from work are also my best friends, I talk to them everyday but miss being able to see them. I do go home as much as I can and there's room for us all at my parents house, I just cannot explain how hard it is leaving and taking my son away. I feel like my family have missed out on so much and that makes me feel so sad and guilty

Twitterqueen1 - the anxiety started because I became so isolated and lost all my confidence. I started getting physical symptoms which terrified me. The problem is, my therapist knew that is was because I felt so lonely and we both struggled to come up with a solution to that. Also, this may sound strange but being from a different city and having a strong Yorkshire accent in the North East makes you stand out, I'm not really one who likes to be noticed and that was also a huge trigger! My therapist couldn't magic friends out of thin air or change my mindset so, I would just go home hating my partner. I think you're right about the school gate friends though, that's what I've been thinking about. My son is in nursery three days a week now, so here's to hoping

Xxx

HOW old is your dps son? IF You both now work in sheffield, is it viable that , rather than him travel to Sheffield to work, he travels to north to see his son, o see his son, or bring his son to Sheffield? I know that may notbe viable at all, but surely it is worth talking about.
Its hard to build anew life and i can really imagine it is really difficult to be so far away from your friends and family when you have just started ur own family. Is he still immovable? IT Must be hard for him if he has a son there so he clearly is a dedicated dad. What does he suggest as possible options or do you feel alone in trying to find them? ITS a problem for both of you to solve not just u, surely? Feel For him having a son there already and in that’s that sense he’s right u did know situation. but this is making you ill so u need ttackle that for you and your family. But it seems like he’s not helping you to do that, or seeing it as a joint problem to be solved, which is likely making you feel even more isolated.

How about asking your partner if you could move back and see how it goes ? There is no point being this unhappy in life.

Could the two of you do some couples counselling to talk about it?

Could you look at going ahead and moving and looking at what the practicalities would be re. His son?

I really really sympathise op because I don't live in the city I want to be in and it physically hurts too.

One thing I would say ...when your son starts school you will make many many new friends. It's a social whirl ! So try to think very hard about whether it's just been a tough few years and change is round the corner.

Newcastle born and bred!! I live about 45 mins away now. Miss it I guess, have made a conscious decision to find things I love about where I live now - it's great for the dc here, on the beach basically. I have zero friends, a dh but it's still lonely really.
We have ddogs that get me out, even a cheery hello from a fellow ddog walker is uplifting!! Hope you feel more settled soon op.

Argh I have brought it up more times than I care to mention. I've also brought up the fact that if I leave he'd be losing me and I'd be taking our son with me. In my mind, he seems to find that easier to contemplate than having to move away from his eldest. I'm not using me leaving as a threat because he is an amazing dad and I don't want to leave him but the fact is, if I did reach breaking point we'd have to make visiting arrangements for his youngest so I can't understand why he can't consider it with his eldest.

His eldest is 13, we all have a great relationship but he's at that age now where he doesn't exactly want to be around us. We have him 50% of the time but he's either in his room or out with his friends, like most normal teenage lads are! When we argue about the whole moving situation he'll say "let's just move to Sheffield then" but it's all said in anger and he clearly doesn't mean it.

Hi AC I am a Yorkshire woman living in Newcastle with a geordie husband as well. I am now settled after 30 years here and it is home but it took a while. I felt v isolated at first but having young children def helped, them and their friends provided my social circle. I forced myself to playgroups and play dates, invited kids to play and when they were at school i got involved, reading with the kids, pta whatever, nearly all my friends came from that. Tomorrow I'm having coffee with 2 of them, we all have kids in their twenties who began infant school together! I realise anxiety can be debilitating but you have the kids in common, make discussions about them, the rest will come, good luck xx

Fireplacetiles thank you so much, that makes me feel much better. I do lots of things with my son and take him to different places but I suppose it makes you feel extra lonely when you're constantly having a conversation win yourself xxx