new dp and him not letting me in/depression

[Plimsoles]

have nc as have family on here and this is still private knowledge!

have been seeing dp since November (we knew each other for a few months beforehand). We are/were very happy together right up to the beginning of Jan where I went away for work for a week, then on a holiday for a week with my (adult) dcs. While I was away, dp got flu which turned into pneumonia.

When I got back, I had arranged to see dp but he had to rush off to see a family member of his who had been rushed into hospital and suddenly (and unexpectedly) died. Dp was still not completely over the pneumonia so was feeling awful anyway. He withdrew completely, said he just needed time in bed. We speak every day and this weekend he just broke down and said he doesn't want to appear weak but thinks he's depressed as this death was someone v close to him and it's triggered feelings about the death of his parents (who both died in the last 1-2 years) which he thinks he hasn't processed.

he is going to see the doctor this week but I'm really struggling to know how to say the right thing and how to support him. When I try and offer to help he almost seems to ignore me (that's the wrong word but I'm not sure how else to explain it). He said he was thinking of going away for a week to see a friend who lives in a warm climate by the sea and I said I thought that would be a good idea (probably good for his chest too) but now I find myself thinking maybe he thinks I don't want him around!

I've got friends who had/have depression and for some reason, it seemed easier to support them probably because they were happier being open about their feelings whereas he seems ashamed to talk to me (which I understand).

Does anyone have any advice? Should I back off or should I keep trying to be supportive? It's still such early days that I'm not sure how to really handle it.

Just make it clear that you want to support him however you can and are there if he needs to talk or wants help, but also understand that he needs to process things in his own way, will not try and push the offer of talking about it - and then leave the ball in his court.

It’s nice that you want to be there for him but there are all kinds of reasons he might not want to “open up” to you: he might not feel comfortable telling somebody he’s only known a few months his problems and insecurities; he might worry that some of the things troubling him would scare you off; he might be well aware that supporting somebody with depression is difficult and is trying to minimise his suffering so you don’t think he’s going to be hard work; he might just not actually find it very therapeutic to talk to other people about it all, not everyone does.

Ultimately, it isn’t about you, and you need to be able to separate your relationship with him from being hurt that he’s not “letting you in”.

thanks Comtesse, you are right. I think the separation advice is really key actually as I hadn't thought about it that way.

As someone who really struggles with depression, I know that I tend to push people away when I'm really not well. Perhaps just send him a message saying that you're there for him, if he wanted to talk and just give him space.

There's also a charity that does small pick me up boxes. Perhaps you could make your own version for him?

www.blurtitout.org/product/become-a-rhino-snore-us-buddybox/

Supporting someone with depression is a thankless exhausting task. It can easily end up with one partner doing all the support and the other all the taking. In your position I’d think about ending the relationship

You’ve only been together since November - so that’s what? 10 weeks or so? He doesn’t want to open up to you. He doesn’t want to see you. He is not your responsibility. TBH I’d back off a bit and let him know that you’re there if he needs you, but the relationship should probably take a back seat. He’s really not in the right place for one.