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Relationships

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Do long distance relationships ever work?

11 replies

lis02 · 04/02/2019 15:09

I don't mean if they've been close to you then had to move away, I mean more in terms of them living in a different country, met them online and wanting to be a couple that can eventually live together in the same country and wanting a future together. Has anyone ever done this and it's worked out well?

OP posts:
Bikinginsummer · 04/02/2019 17:25

Be aware of cultural differences.... Things you'd never see as an obstacle can be tough. I am speaking from experience! However international relationships are brilliant! You learn first hand about a different country/culture and you get great holidays.
Have you actually dated?

catflapuk · 04/02/2019 17:38

Yes I have seen it with friends and now its actually happening to me. Long story - we have know more than 10 year, met online, never in person, it was never romantic. Lost touch and got back in touch 10 months ago and chemistry just hit us.

Still haven't managed to meet, we plan to soon, but I feel thrilled that there are two people somewhere committing to each other and having such a long breath until we finally meet. The reasons we haven't met are health related etc, but I would advise to meet ASAP. Long distance communication is tough, although that's all we know. Falling asleep and waking up together on the phone is the sweetest feeling - until we meet :)

youaremyrain · 04/02/2019 21:56

@catflapuk have you spoken on the phone? FaceTimed etc?

mindutopia · 04/02/2019 22:07

Yes, we didn’t meet online, but did meet working abroad in another country (third country, not either of our home countries). We did 2 years on opposite sides of the world an 11 hour flight apart. We got married almost 3 years to the day after we met and z decade and two kids later, we couldn’t be happier.

It does take commitment though and you both have to be in it for the long haul. It’s also expensive. We flew back and forth (a very expensive flight) every 2 months for those couple years. The immigration and visa costs are also quite high (to move to the UK). But it absolutely can work if it’s what you both want.

Parthenope · 04/02/2019 22:11

Not in the circumstances you’re describing, no, aside from some arranged marriages I know of, where the couple were UK and India-based and only met just before the wedding. You simply don’t know one another well enough to decide if it’s worth a long term gamble without a period of actual face to face knowing another at the start.

YahBasic · 04/02/2019 22:19

Did long distance in other countries for 3.5 years. Now happily married.

What helped us the most was the option to live together in a third country for the first few years, so it didn’t feel like either of us was making a huge sacrifice.

DitchyMcAbandonpants · 05/02/2019 17:06

Met someone from a different continent at a business event and we clicked. We did the facebook thing to say "hi", followed by emails and messages, then discovered we got on really well, had similar views and there was mutual attraction.

We arranged to meet up for a week in a different country for a holiday to see how we got on and it went incredibly well. For the next 18 months, we had a LDR, using whatsapp to casually chat and then we'd call each other after I finished work.

We're both lucky enough to have decent jobs that let us work remotely, so we flew over to spend time with each other whenever it was feasible. We'd try to alternate trips every month but sometimes it'd be every couple of months.

After a year, we decided we'd move in together or get married and we had to decide which country to move to. He always wanted to move here so that's what's decided but I'd have been equally happy to move to him as well.

Visa applications were a nightmare to get through, lots of solicitors are terrible at this. However, we ended up doing this ourself and he moved here 2 years ago.

I'm very happy and he tells me he is too, so it seems to have worked for us.

But.... bloody hell, LDR's are hard work. The time difference is a killer because one of you will always have to compromise to find time to talk. In our case, we both spent the best part of a year being sleep deprived until we managed to figure out a new schedule around work and commitments.

Like Bikinginsummer said - watch out for cultural differences. We had several arguments at first where neither of us could understand what was happening.

Even speaking the same language, we found that we used different words or different terms to refer to the same thing. We had a couple of arguments that ended with us realising we both had the same opinions but we used different language to express it.

It's lonely, you will miss them like hell and your lives never intersect with each other, so unless you can meet up, there's no shared experiences.

As relationships go, LDR's are comparatively very fragile. The only connection between you is the one you both feed every day with frequent contact and good communication. If you can't, it won't survive. Calls will slow down, effort will fade and if it goes cold enough - one day, one of you may just not call back. It's unsettling, expensive, scary, exhausting, awkward, inconvenient and draining but it was the single best choice I made.

On the plus side, the constant talking (which was 95% of the relationship when long distance) meant that we got to know each other really well. 2 hour calls turned into 5 hour calls, turned into 8-10 hour calls and we spent every minute possible talking to each other. Moving in together proved far easier than I'd ever expected because, by that point, we'd talked enough to know how the other felt about even the silliest things.

Also, there's no "falling into a relationship" with LD. You can't half-ass anything - everything is work and effort. But, when it works, you conclusively know that the other person wants you, like they know you want them because both of you are consistently making sacrifices to be with them and expending huge amounts of energy to make the relationship work. When someone does that for you, when someone will move countries to be with you, it's an amazing feeling.

But if both of you aren't entirely committed to this and don't see it as your top priority, it's unlikely to work. On the plus side, if you can get through the other side of an LDR and you're still together, you've got a great foundation on which to build an incredible relationship.

Stay strong, keep talking, be open and expressive and show vulnerability when they're opening up too. Best of luck to you Flowers

Iamclearlyamug · 05/02/2019 17:14

I've been in this situation for 2.5 years. I'm English living down south, he's Turkish living in the south west of Turkey. I visit 5 or 6 times a year, we tried for a visit visa for him to visit me in the UK but got turned down. I'm taking DD7 out there in May to meet him, though she's met and spoken to him regularly on Facebook video chat. We talk on and off all day and video chat probably 4 nights a week. Eventual plan will be for me to move out there, but not for the foreseeable future as I wouldn't expect DD to want to move with me.

Cultural differences haven't been too obvious as he and his family are non-religious. He speaks excellent English, though most of his family speak very little, and my Turkish is extremely basic - having said that I have an excellent relationship with his family, particularly his mum and sister.

It's not for the faint hearted, everything involves effort and planning and above all trust! Feel free to ask me if I've missed something out :)

Parthenope · 05/02/2019 17:21

But I think the last few posters have a functional LDR because they met and spent some time together, even if it wasn't long, at the beginning of the relationship. The OP specifies meeting online, so no initial period of being in the same place to start a relationship on.

I did a LTR myself for years when now-DH and I were working in different countries, but we'd been together for long enough by then to have a very solid and happy relationship -- the OP is talking about something much more tenuous. For all the information, the other person could be on Death Row.

DitchyMcAbandonpants · 05/02/2019 17:51

But I think the last few posters have a functional LDR because they met and spent some time together, even if it wasn't long, at the beginning of the relationship. The OP specifies meeting online, so no initial period of being in the same place to start a relationship on.

Um, no - please don't speak for me.

The extent of my initial meeting was having drinks with a group of other people for a few hours. At best, we probably spoke for maybe an hour. I liked him, he liked me, we exchanged "hey, good event, great to meet you" follow up emails and it got friendlier and more emotional after that.

It's not really the same as having an "initial period of being in the same place to start a relationship ". Yes, it might be tenuous - they all are at times, but you can't definitively decide you know someone's LDR isn't going to work because they met online. The OP hasn't given a lot of detail in the post but just because you can't see it, doesn't mean they don't know it.

Iamclearlyamug · 05/02/2019 17:59

Oh sorry forgot to mention that bit - we met online after he added me on Facebook, a few months after I'd been to that area on holiday. We had never met and our paths had never crossed, spent 6 months talking to him online (and had another trip to Turkey without meeting him) before I finally flew out with the intention of us actually meeting. I knew "we" were going to be special before we met face to face

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