Desperate for advice on situation

[blacknwhite22]

Hi so I'll try to give a bit of background...separated from husband 4 months ago. Ongoing issues over the last couple of years mostly from me not moving on from previous issues years ago and not letting go of things. This then led to ongoing arguments. We did attend some marriage counselling last year and while it was helping at the time I don't think we really went into the issues properly nor did we do it for long enough. So now we are living apart, I chose to leave as I didn't know what to do anymore to fix things and basically just ran away from it instead of working through things more. The time we've had apart I have completely regretted giving up so rashly and wish I had done more when I had the chance. Husband is now unsure about trying again as he is afraid past will repeat itself again. I have been trying to improve myself and be honest about my own wrong doings in the relationship and have been attending counselling on my own over the last couple of months. But I am still in limbo, he says he doesn't have any answers at the moment and I know he was deeply hurt after I left. He wants to leave things as they are for the time being and has no plans to go ahead with a divorce at the moment but I am really struggling to cope with it all. I have recently started having quite severe panic attacks and anxiety over it all. I know I can't push him into deciding if he is not ready but I don't know how to cope with things as they are at the moment.

That’s so sad, I can completely understand why he is reluctant to make a go of things as he’s probably terrified you’ll leave him again :(

The panic attacks and anxiety, though, you can get help for. Have you considered therapy? CBT is the most effective therapy we have for anxiety and panic currently and it’s available on the NHS, you can self refer to your local IAPT team. Or I can share you some links to some really amazing free self help stuff if you’d rather get started on your own. Let me know.

Yes I can understand his concerns. I just wish there was something I could do. I have been to my GP about the panic attack's and anxiety and they have put me on antidepressants last week but I realise these won't kick in properly for a few at least. I was also given diazepam but it doesn't seem to have any effect on me. I am also booked in to start CBT later this month so hopefully that will help. I just don't know if I'm doing the right thing waiting, obviously I would give anything to sort things out in our marriage but at the same time I am terrified in a few more months he will say no he doesn't want to and I'll have just been making things worse for myself in the long run holding on to hope.

Stop beating yourself up OP, I'd imagine there were faults on both sides, him too?

You left because the situation at the time was unfixable, it happens, moving out can give you both breathing space and also help you both see things a bit more clearer.

You never left for OM or went on a holiday, you left for good reason by the sounds of it?

If he doesn't want to attempt reconciliation it is not down to you, if you both want to then you will BOTH make it happen, he is saying no to you so I'd give it a time frame then start to move on, he either wants to make things work or he doesn't, he can't just leave you in limbo or punish you, you sure he actually is interested in getting back together at all?

I am unsure to be honest. When we first split he was angry about the whole thing and barely talking to me but things have improved recently. He is still taking an interest in my life, making phone calls and has recently invited me out on a few occasions for birthdays etc. So I suppose in that sense things have become a little more positive. But as I was the one to leave he is obviously concerned of the Past repeating itself again. I suppose I need to give it more time. I know I hurt him bad by leaving. It's so hard not to keep overthinking it all though.

Ongoing issues over the last couple of years mostly from me not moving on from previous issues years ago and not letting go of things.
Can you explain what those issues were/are? Because I think that could be relevant.

It was back in the beginning of our relationship, unplanned pregnancy. He was not supportive towards this at all, didn't help financially. There was also a lot of problems from his ex at this time, her trying to get back together with him and he not being completely honest about communication with her. He also has two children with his ex but there were many times he'd have conversations with her of her asking over and over to get back together, bad mouthing me for no reason and them sometimes reminiscing about there relationship, leaving the room to talk to her on the phone. Anyway this led to me having trust issues with both of them although he has always insisted he only wanted to be with me. All of this has stuck with me over the years despite him eventually saying his actions were wrong and he was sorry about it all and wanted to move forward with our relationship. I realise now if we were ever going to make our marriage work I should have forgiven and let go of the past.

These things would always be on the back of my mind, making me resentful and then lead to arguments. He would tell me he regrets the way he handled things and try to get me to see the bigger picture. That being things won't work if I don't let of the past. And it's taken me until now to really realise that. I just want to be a family again.

You can only let go of the past if you trust the person, doesn't sound that great to me so again, don't beat yourself up, sounds like you left as a last resort, I don't see the problem with that, you did what you had to do because it was unfixable; you didn't hurt him deliberately or cause any mistrust of you.

You can only have a future with him if he is 100% committed, and ultimately trustworthy, it's not all down to you.

I understand what you're saying but I think the point he was trying to make was that he had changed his behaviour recently and admitted being wrong in the past and yet I still held a grudge over it all. Which has now led to him not trusting me, as in he thinks I will leave again. Ultimately I obviously want to resolve things and make a fresh start with him but as it stands I don't know if that's ever going to happen and I don't how long I should keep holding out hope for it to happen. I know I can't push him into an answer if he's not ready but I'm really struggling to handle this waiting and not knowing.

So what is so great about him and this relationship?
Does he listen to all your worries with regards to his past behaviour?
Does he reassure you when ever you bring it up?
Does he make you feel completely loved and cherished?
Is it an equal relationship?
How long have you been together?