Some background; I'm the type of person to avoid confrontation. I've always been the good little girl who did everything my parents said, basically out of fear rather than respect (I'm now in my thirties). I've suffered with anxiety for the last 10ish years, probably longer and stemming from childhood from what therapists say. Dad has always been aggressive, has hit/punched/fought everyone in his family to resolve matters to be the alpha Male. Used to smash up the house when we were kids because it was untidy (because some ornaments were dusty) so looking back I lived in fear. I was the one as a child running around the house tidying up so that dad wouldnt get angry. Younger brother was the antagonist. Mum didnt antagonise but still didnt help herself much. She lived to 'serve' my dad, literally. No job, did everything for him and I see now is clearly afraid of him. I will point out that he never hit me or my bro, except for discipline. We had everything we wanted as kids, mostly thanks to my mum looking back, except the love from our father really and for me, the feeling of true safety as I was a scared little girl. Dad was unable to show his emotions, unable to show his love for us for the most part. Made some questionable decisions. Yet I was a daddy's girl. Mum used to say it was how dad was treated when he was younger that meant he couldn't show it, but mum told us dad loved us. He once pulled out a chunk of my mums hair the size of a 50p coin, right from the root, when he argued with her and kicked her out for finding out about her secret credit card and debt. Obviously he couldn't live without her and she moved back in about a week later. He kicked me out of the house effectively making me homeless at 20 years old because I had a boyfriend (now my DH) and I saw him too often and wasn't home enough. I had a 12 midnight curfew at that age; I once came home after that time and he stood behind the door not letting me in, mum 'trying' to let me in but dad won. Bear in mind we lived on a very rough and notorious council estate at the time. I went back to BFs house for the night.
We've never discussed any of this, theres no use, I went back (never to live, I stayed moved out) as if nothing happened, got on with it. I've just swept it under the rug.
But now that rug is bulging with the amount of crap underneath it and something needs doing about it.
That's it in a nutshell. I'm feeling very torn because to be honest I've lost the love for both my parents. I do feel sorry for my mum as she wasnt to blame, but shes never stood up for us or herself either, obviously out of fear but she wont do anything about it. She says she loves dad, yet hes told her he doesn't love her and never has each time he's drunk (which used yo he quite often). Shes always had a way of guilt tripping me and making me feel bad and sorry for her though. One e.g: getting 'caught' 'secretly' crying to get her own way. I feel torn because of my DS. Mum says how she wants to see him more often but I cant bring myself to visit more. I actually don't want to visit at all, which is the part I feel most torn about because, they are my parents. Dad chats a little when we visit. We've never discussed what happened or how I feel. DH days to talk to them about how I feel, but I know it's no use. They will never listen to me or empathise with how I feel, it will fall on deaf ears, I will be wrong either way, they will be right, my version wont be right etc etc. Which is why I dont want to discuss it with them and I really dont want to revisit the past; it's been hard enough writing it here. I've been having nightmares at least twice a month featuring various storylines which involve my dad going mental again. We've been visiting about once a month, but on the week run up to when I think it's time to visit, I have more nightmares, I feel more anxious and have recently had panic attacks again. I feel so scared that I wont visit them without DH coming with me. They've never been to our new house - I've never invited them and I really dont want them there, although mum has hinted about visiting a few times and I ignore it or change subject.
This last week we've had DSs 2nd birthday and I think I should take him to visit but I cant, this time I feel even worse. I'm 22wk pregnant and worried in case anything is brought up as I don't want to stress and list the baby. I worry in case they mention anything about what happened (which would only result in arguement) or if mum asks why we dont visit more - shes already hinted that she wants to see us more but I brush it off so I dont have to discuss it. I worry about when my next baby is born, that they will want to visit and see it.
DH is so supportive. He now dislikes my parents but will visit with me to support me and play happy families. He will stick up for me if anything is ever said yet nothing ever is whilst he is in the room, it's only ever if he leaves (toilet etc) or if mum corners me alone or mum by text message. DH wont say anything to sway my decision as he wants me to make up my own mind but will support whatever I choose. Hes suggested lots of things, like meeting parents elsewhere instead of at their home or just meeting mum alone, none of which I want to do as I feel like it will almost 'show' that somethings wrong and initiate discussion, again, which I dont want and mum is more likely to want to discuss it without dad present too. I cry frequently about this whole situation. DH reminds me that I'm a woman now, with my own family and my own choices to make and I dont have to worry about my parents, or do what they say or what I think they want me to do anymore. But I cant seem to shake that childrens mindset with them and I still want to please them or keep everything going 'smoithly', just like when I was a child. Yet part of me knows I'm a woman now and I should live for me and my little family. Sounds stupid I known.
I feel now that my options are:
- to sweep everything under that rug again and carry on like happy families. I've tried to do this for the last year and its obviously not working and gradually making me feel worse and more awkward. This would kind of avoid confrontation for a while but I'll always have it looming over me and I'll always feel like this?
- Not visit ever again, cut ties. I feel that I'd be more happy with this option in all honesty. However, how would I even do this without confrontation? I feel that I cant because I should keep contact only for my DS and new baby, even though M&D are toxic! And I feel bad for feeling this way, because, they're my parents.
My go-to phrase every time is "but they're my parents".
Discussing with parents to resolve matters is really not an option for me.
Throughout my childhood, my parents fell out with various family members, often they and us kids not seeing them for years. Dads mother for about 6 years, mums sister for 10 years, dads brothers and sisters for many years a various times. So they understand what it's like to cut ties and would understand I hope if I did this to them?! But should I be like them?
I've never told any of this to friends. I've discussed briefly with my MIL who knows the type of relationship I've had with parents and although saying it's my decision, she kind of thinks I need to cut ties, even though it's my parents, as she knows I'll feel better not having their dark cloud looming over me.
Please help.