Was what happened wrong (possible TW)?

[MonkeyOrchid]

I'm going over this weekend's events in my head and feel it was a bit off but am not sure if it's just rejection or whether what the guy in question did was wrong. I'd be glad of any perspective!

I met a guy on OLD a year ago, really liked him a lot and it seemed definitely mutual from what he said but he disappeared after one date and a couple of weeks of chat (second date planned before disappearance). Have not forgotten him since.

Bumped into him on a night out, he wanted to talk to me and shower me in attention, although I was cool at first, he said he was very sorry for ghosting but gave quite a harrowing account of why he'd not been available- mum died just after (only mid 50s), became depressed and suicidal and a few other points. Also claimed he thought I was too good for him which made me a bit sceptical.

Anyway, I ended up giving him the benefit of the doubt and we got on really well again. Ended up inviting him back to mine, made it clear there would be no sex that night but we could share a bed (both quite drunk and cold).

He was quite pushy and kept trying to have sex with me, he did stop just before penetrating me fully when I said 'no' several times but then in the morning he carried on and when he was fully inside, I froze and couldn't seem to do more than say 'no' once or twice and try to push him off (I'm quite physically strong but he is really big). I eventually managed to say 'can we stop, please' and he did (didn't finish). This was over in a couple of minutes and I'm not harmed but I've been raped before more than once and don't feel right about it. I was a bit confused by the whole thing. We went on to have consensual sex (i sort of felt persuaded) and then he had to leave and I haven't heard anything since.

Not sure whether he did anything bad or if I just feel rejected for a second time and stupid for letting myself be ghosted twice. I really put him on a pedestal after the first date and was quite hurt (I know it was just one date but we spend a couple of days together and seemed to really connect. I now wonder if it was just future faking).

The consensual sex and leaving were several hours after the first time... we hung out for a while between.

You can speak to Rape Crisis for support.

I'm sorry, but what you describe sounds like he raped you, and then it sounds like you had sex because it was safer than fighting him off/refusing again.

I'm sorry this happened.

I often find these sorts of posts really confusing as I'm not clear on if consent was given or not
So you said there would be no sex therefore you didn't give consent.
Then....he was pushy, you said No and he ( eventually stopped) You don't say if you said No before that stage but I guess as you'd not given consent at the start of the night that implies No consent
As you clearly didn't give consent in the morning and in fact had to push him off I'd say that was rape
You then go on to have what you describe as consensual sex. Not sure about that it sounds like it was cohesion tbh
Sorry I'm not clear which parts were rape as I'm sure you and he aren't either. Maybe someone else will have more of a clearer idea.

This was rape. Both times. Coerced sex is still rape. I'm so sorry ❤️

medium.com/the-nib/trigger-warning-breakfast-c6cdeec070e6

OP, I’m so sorry you’ve experienced this, especially in light of your history of rape.
I strongly recommend that you seek counselling - perhaps via Rape Crisis.
I think it would be helpful for you to learn assertiveness, be empowered to put boundaries in place, and not put ANY man “on a pedestal”, or feel helpless or need to defer to their demands.
I am not in any way “victim blaming” you here - the man’s behaviour was unacceptable and arguably criminal, let me be very clear that none of it was your fault - I’m simply thinking of your future, and how you can boost your confidence and self esteem to establish clear boundaries and be safer on dates etc. You should only be engaging in sex if it’s with your enthusiastic consent and enjoyment - please don’t ever feel you have to suffer unwanted sex to defer to some selfish, pushy man. Sending you a hug, and a hope that you can access the support and counselling that will help you.

Thank you so much for your replies, Category12 I found that really powerful about the breakfast, helped me.to feel clearer in my mind as we did eat together later in the day. Thanks!

Troubleswillbeoutofsight yes I feel confused too. So the consensual sex i definitely agreed to. Although I rather wish I hadn't as it was essentially in response to him persuading me and he was only really concerned with his own pleasure, i can't say that I didn't give him consent.

Before the first time (which was very quick), he had repeatedly started the same way, laying on top of me and trying to push himself into me whilst I said 'no' and tried to push him off, this time he succeeded and I froze briefly until I was able to ask him to stop, which he eventually did.

I feel like such an idiot. I liked this guy such a lot and he really told me everything I wanted to hear, how beautiful I was, how sorry he was for ghosting, how he is now in a better place for a relationship and wanted that to be with me. I should've just told him to take a running jump when I saw him in the first place. Or at least after he was so sexually pushy.

Sorry TMI there!

You're not an idiot. He pushed through your boundaries. I hope you are doing OK.

Thanks again. I spoke to rape crisis today and they were so supportive. It just helped to hear confirmed (as on here) that what I think happened, did happen and I'm not making something out of nothing. I just feel I've worked so hard to pick my life up after the previous rapes into becoming some semblance of a respectable human being and this guy has basically pushed me back down where I belong (so sorry if that sounds insulting to others who have experienced rape- it's how I feel about me, nobody else).

Oh op, I hope you are doing OK. Please get support. You're not at fault.

I'm so sorry OP, he is an evil bastard.

I agree with stuff anice about boundaries. Your boundaries were worm down. I'm do sorry.