I want closure, commitment, and communication... asking too much?

[Duvetday2day]

I’ve posted on here quite a few times in the last few months. So I’m not going to drag out the back story.

In a nutshell, I highly suspect my DP is grieving and/or depressed. He has disconnected from me, real life, everyone around him. I’ve been on this emotional rollercoater, and I can’t take much more. I’ve asked him on numerous occasions to get help, talk to someone, but it’s an outright NO.

First few times it all came to a head (few months ago) I told him to stay a few more weeks, and we will try and resolve the problems. Things got marginally better, not nothing major.

Few weeks before Christmas, we mutually agreed that we couldn’t split because of the DSC.

Between Christmas - NY, I told him to leave. He agreed, but the next day came back, told me he would get help, and that I was right he was not coping.

That brings me to now. 2weeks ago it came to a head again. I agreed that despite me not wanting it to be over, that it had to be. We went NC for just under a week. I prepared a list of all the things we needed to sort. Nothing happened, nothing changed. He came round, and said we will sort this and talk about next steps.

Now this weekend, I found my big knickers and told him it’s over. Nothing has changed, he’s not accepting he needs help, we can’t continue, as much as it’s breaking my heart, it’s destroying me. He just cried and nodded. Arranged that he would come today and collect his belongings, and the DSC things and move them out, as quite frankly living in this house with them is horrible.

He hasn’t shown up? He has not responding to any messages?

All I want is some communication, to what the hell is going on in my life.
All I want is some commitment to the decision that he has made.
All I want is some closure to this relationship.

Am I expecting too much?

Breakups can sometimes be negotiated between two people.

However that is the exception. Breakups typically represent the break between two people- they are the point from which you no longer negotiate your way together. From the end point onwards, decisions become unilateral. You make the decision and take action even if he doesn't go along with it.

So yes. In short I think you're asking too much. Hes not your partner anymore and owes you nothing. Make decisions for yourself.. begin to move forward without his participation

He’s depressed. He’s not going to respond effectively that’s the nature of the condition. My dh is depressed but I love him and try and be there for him. You decided you can’t do that and that’s fine but neither can you expect him to react and behave as you wish. Leave the poor guy alone and let those that love him look after him.

How recently was he bereaved?

You've gone backwards and forwards on what you want a lot - his head must be all over the place!

Does he know you mean it this time? I mean in your OP you've gone from it not working, to agreeing you can't split, to it not working, him leaving - and then to him coming back, to you agreeing to try again and it not working and him leaving all in the space of about six weeks!

For both your sakes you need to make a decision and stick to it. If it's over, it's over. But don't expect much communication from him now - he's grieving as you say and now he's lost his home and relationship - he has no interest in speaking to you nor does he have a reason to make your life easier.

That's not to say I don't sympathise with you - it's a horrible situation but reading your post confused me with all the backwards and forwards of emotions and you seemingly changing your mind every two seconds. Give him time!

@adaline @decormad
I love him to pieces, and we have a great future planned. I understand it might look like there is lots of backwards and forwards. I assume he’s depressed, but he says he isn’t, and won’t get any help.
When he first said that he can’t do this anymore, it came as a huge shock. I said we will work together on are relationship, and I did. He said he would stop doing all the things that hurt me.
He regularly disappears for days, no contact in that time. He disappeared on Christmas Eve, left me to sort out the DSC presents. He tells me constantly he can’t be with me anymore, at first I resisted this. As I believed that he wasn’t in the right frame of mind. But since NY he has disconnected completely, no hugs, kisses, sex, communication. No messages or not answering any calls when he leaves the house, which can be for days. It’s a horrible position to be in.
When I try and speak to him, he says he can’t do this and cries. I cry too, and we agree that it’s best if we separate properly. But we have a business together, have a home and share (not equally) the responsibility of his DC. He has another property, which is empty at the moment as it’s due to go on the market this week, that’s where he is going. So he’s not exactly loosing his home.

I just find it hard as he says he’s made his decision, but never commits to this decision. I’ve given him space, let him try and find his way, he just keeps coming back and then nothing changes. As much as I want to stand by him, it’s making me so ill, with anixety and worry.

He has been grieving since October. It’s someone who played a huge part of his life and daily routine.

I just find it hard as he says he’s made his decision, but never commits to this decision

Then YOU have to commit to YOUR decision. Pack up his stuff and take it round to wherever he is and give it to him. Then start moving on, sorting out the business etc

October? That's barely three months ago - his head is probably all over the place!

He's clearly not in a great state of mind and his behaviour is pretty appalling - grief is not a reason to treat people like shit.

If his behaviour is really as bad as you say is he capable of parenting his child?

He is great dad, but even the DSC have noticed his distance in the last few months. When they are here 50/50, he is here in body, but sometimes not mind. I understand that his head is all over the place, but it’s so hard to understand where this is basically no communication, and when he does talk he cries.

Before he lost his loved one, our relationship was great. We are in the processing of buying a new home, (hence why his tenants moved out) and my home (our family home) has been moved on the BLTM. We had our whole future planned out, holidays booked for this year, business was growing, and everything has just been flipped upside down.

I’ve packed things for him and left them at his house, he is is never there when I call round. But I can’t leave the DSC things out in the cold and wet, and can’t physically move beds, and furniture on my own. I’ve set dates, times, for all this to be resolved by. One being yesterday morning, and he never came, didn’t return my messages, but read them.

So the relationship was great, he lost someone close and then within 8 weeks the relationship fell apart?

@boysandbuses
Pretty much. I have pointed this out to him, but he says things like;
I love you, but I can’t feel anything anymore
Your my best friend, but I don’t know if that’s all

He is actively going to work everyday, going to the pub, playing sport. But he won’t communicate with me, his DC, his DPs, or his other DGP

While it sounds like his behaviour is off. I don't think you really gave him enough time to grieve in the first place.

A death cab be devestating. I was numb for months after I lost my grandad in fairly horrific circumstances. If my Dp had complained he was feeling disconnected from me, I wouldn't have been able to cope with trying to put a front on for him and grieve. It takes time. More than a few weeks. He feelings will be all over the place, meanwhile you are back and forth as well.

@boysandbuses
Sorry to hear about your GD. I understand this, and am trying really hard to give him the space to grieve, and not put pressure on him.
But when he has basically disappeared for days on end fortnightly, if not weekly it’s hard. As in that time I’m left to run the business, which is really a two way thing. When he has left for a few days, he texts to say it’s over. He can’t do it anymore, blocking my number, removing me from social media. Just to turn up a few days later with the DSC.
I really don’t want to loose him, I would give anything to have him back, and to make this all work, and move in to our new home. But I don’t know how to help the situation??

I am not saying he is an angel or it's all your fault.

But the up and down with you changing your mind isn't helping. Your primary upset is at him disconnecting from you? I am assuming that because it's what you mention first about how he has been.

That's totally normal, he is grieving and having all this life changing stuff isn't helping.

@boysandbuses
Thank you I no I’ve been up and down with him. I’ve been to my GP and got help with my own anxiety and I’m trying to be strong.
Each of the times that I’ve ended it, is because he’s done said it’s over. In the beginning I used to tell him to stay, that we will do this together, that things will get better, and I gave him the space, let him go off and accepted the disconnection.
The last couple of times though, at Christmas and two weeks ago and this weekend. He’s ended it, walked out, but instead of begging him to stay and getting upset. I’ve told him he can go, not because I don’t love him, but because that’s what he says he wants. But when I then try and sort the stuff out with him, cancel the solicitor, sort the contact arrangements for the DSC (as this is all through me) he doesn’t come and sort anything out, even though I’m trying to just give him what’s he’s asked for.