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Relationships

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Original poster

Kids haven’t left home yet! – what to do?

24 replies

j712adrian · 03/02/2019 20:17

Hello MN HiveMind,
We’d welcome your advice on this.
I (M60) and GF (F55) have been going out for a year and have decided to live together and buy a house. I live in my house alone (paid for) and she lives in her house with about £100k of equity. She doesn’t live alone, she has a son (30) and daughter (26) who are both in well-paid jobs and new(-ish) relationships. We have other reasons too for wanting a place of our own - me moving in with mum, son and daughter would not work, and she has her own mum and dad around the corner which is not easy. Daughter realises we will be looking for somewhere soon, son doesn’t seem to register it in any meaningful way.
Her kids are nice but getting them ship-shape for independent living has been an uphill struggle – she has just insisted on a rota of household chores - their dad walked out overnight about 8 years ago and of course she has wanted to make things as comfy as possible in a difficult situation for them. Son and daughter don’t pay anywhere near a market rate for their living – and I’m familiar with tenant law and think it doesn’t apply here.
What advice do you have, given we want to stay friends with them both, for mum finally breaking the knots and selling up? Frankly, I moved abroad when I was 19 and couldn’t wait to go ….. have times really changed that much that someone who earns enough to get a house actually wants to stay at home???
All thoughts – and other threads to look at on this subject - will be welcomed!
Thank you from us both.

OP posts:

Longsight2019 · 03/02/2019 21:17

Does your GF agree with your slant on things? I ask because the discussion has to come from her with her children. You can’t be the driver in their eyes as it’ll be difficult enough for them to accept.

Don’t rush this.

Variousartists · 03/02/2019 21:19

I was going to ask the same question when I read the op. Is this what your partner wants as well? How does she view the situation?

GColdtimer · 03/02/2019 21:27

I'm wondering why she is not posting this to be honest.

Redshoeblueshoe · 03/02/2019 21:29

If she was posting I'd want to know why her 30 year old has only just started doing chores.

BumbleBeee69 · 03/02/2019 21:32

I think you sound very caring, very balanced and fair OP.

I hope your Partner finds a solution to her adult Children living at home, so you can both move forward with your own lives.

CrispbuttyNo1 · 03/02/2019 21:35

“their dad walked out overnight about 8 years ago and of course she has wanted to make things as comfy as possible in a difficult situation for them”

They were both fully grown adults then! I find it rather ridiculous that two grown adults are still sponging off their mother to be honest.

They should have moved out and bern living independently years ago.

happyinherts · 03/02/2019 21:38

Why should they? It's their home too. Why do people seem to think you have to move out at a certain age? I've got a 24 and 30 year old at home, okay they do pay their way, but they consider it their home. I don't think it's fair to expect them to move out. They will when they want to.

Livelovebehappy · 03/02/2019 21:46

It should be a discussion to be had between your Dp and her DCs. It won’t be received well coming from you as although you’re part of their dms life, you’re not part of theirs.

zen1 · 03/02/2019 21:47

Who is driving the idea of buying a house together? You have only been together a year and your partner may be weighing up the implications of entering into a long-term financial commitment with you on her children. I know they’re old enough to leave home but it is much much harder for people in their 20s to get a mortgage than it was 40 years ago. Absolutely agree they should be paying their mum a fair rent and contributing equally to the household chores though.

Duvetday2day · 03/02/2019 21:50

Is there a possibility, that after their father left they decided to stay at home as comfort to their mum?

Also it’s hard now to save for a deposit, especially if your studying, and living in rented accommodation. You find children do stay at home longer, as getting a mortgage on your own can be hard, and renting can be seen as “dead” money.

Your DP needs to have the conversation with them. Are they actively saving for a deposit? Is there away their Dm could help them get on the property ladder? What is rent like in the area?

I agree they should have been contributing to rent at home, and the chores. But my DPs didn’t accept anything when I was at home saving. This needs to be your DPs conversation.

zen1 · 03/02/2019 21:51

Also, why the rush to buy? If you live alone, can’t she move in with you for a bit and leave her DC to pay for the upkeep of the house if they are earning good money?

ShadyLady53 · 03/02/2019 21:59

Do they really earn enough to get their own homes?

Does their Mum want the move just as much as you or are you pushing it more than her?

You say you both want to “remain friends”...she’s their mother. Her relationship with her children will always come first. You may be their “friend” but she will be more than a friend, iyswim? I don’t think it’s what you meant but that phrase struck me as odd. Like you were hoping they’d go from mother/child relationship to casual friends.

You can’t prepare them for flying the nest. It’s not your place. It’s up to them and their mother to prepare them.

It sounds like she hasn’t done a great job of preparing them for independence so far. Have some sympathy for them...they’re essentially being made homeless. Is this the home they grew up in too? Did they not go away to university etc?

Singlenotsingle · 03/02/2019 22:02

I think there's a shift in society whereby adult children stay longer in their parents' home, at least until they form a lasting relationship of their own and want to set up home. When I was a youngster I left home at 18 and never went back, but renting was a lot cheaper in those days. We were keen to get out and fend for ourselves. Now I have an adc of 40 still at home, and I suspect it's much more common than we think. Don't hold your breath, OP.

Smallhorse · 03/02/2019 22:06

I think the GF agrees - the post is from them both.

Sit the adult kids down and have a proper discussion.

Faez · 03/02/2019 22:07

"remain friends" really stood out to me too, bit of an odd choice of words

Giesabreak · 03/02/2019 22:08

I assume you don't have kids, OP?

Why doesn't she just live with you for now, and give them a deadline for her selling up?

NotANotMan · 03/02/2019 22:09

Your partner just has to give them notice that she's putting the house on the market. Then it's up to them. They are adults! Fully adults!

Giesabreak · 03/02/2019 22:10

Is it too far from her parents?

ShadyLady53 · 03/02/2019 22:11

I read it as either the GF or the OP wants to move further away from her parents (and kids).

SpoonBlender · 03/02/2019 22:20

Perhaps the kids could band together and buy the house? Seems a bit like a "too good to be true" result, but still.

harriethoyle · 03/02/2019 22:37

They are 24 and 30!! I left home at 18 for uni and never looked back. Definitely time to cut the apron strings...

Musti · 03/02/2019 22:58

It's a bit odd to still want to live at home at 30 unless you'd struggle to afford it.

anniehm · 03/02/2019 23:02

You don't say whether she lives near you - if so the best solution for now would be for your gf to move in with you and tell the kids they are responsible for 100% of the household costs including her mortgage for the next year at which point she will be selling it - they are of an age that given a long notice they can be self sufficient

Original poster

j712adrian · 12/02/2019 16:34

Thanks all for this, we have reviewed all the responses and wanted to say 'thank you'. The things we were getting towards doing are anyway: talking, setting a date for the house to go on market, helping them to use their funds well, and we have started those things. So your responses have been a great help in knowing we are on the right track.

The rest? Yes, we do live a long way away from each other, mine is too far away for GF's daily commute, yes I am a parent else I doubt if I would even know about this site (mine's left home a long time ago), and..... yes - me and GF do collaborate on things like this together.... it's not the 1950s.

Ta!

OP posts:

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