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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it a nervous breakdown?

14 replies

Dani35 · 03/02/2019 18:50

Hi everyone.
I posted earlier in the week. My partner left our family home and our 5 year old exactly a month ago.

His dad was diagnosed with cancer and his uncle died of cancer last year. He has a job where he works away or late a lot and it is quite stressful.

He had his mindsmatters telephone interview on Friday and they confirmed he didn't score enough points on the test to be depressed or high anxiety or of a danger to himself or anyone else. They have advised he sees his counsellor at work as the nhs has a 6month waiting list.

He is still at his mum and Dads, going out with his friends at the weekend and posting how much he loves his mates and their support all over social media. But he's completely ignoring me when I keep saying I'm here for him.

I've emphasised him leaving has caused a lot of upset and even foolishly accused him of seeing someone else at one point which made things worse.

He says he hasn't thought about whats happening with us and what we tell people. He says he feels like a stranger in his own body and he's in this fog. He's making no move to start working on us. He's just so cold and distant.

I'm at a loss. Do I now step away, carry on as normal for my 5 year old in our empty house and allow him an infinite amount of time to come back? It's killing me. I had a massive meltdown at work on Friday and feel like I'm on the edge holding things together.

Any advice? Is he having a nervous breakdown, how can I help if he won't let me near?
X

OP posts:

Bombardier25966 · 03/02/2019 18:55

A nervous breakdown isn't a clinical diagnosis, there's no criteria for it.

He is describing symptoms of dissociation, which people can experience at times of extreme stress.

As much as you want to be there for him, he doesn't need the added pressure of thinking about the relationship right now, so you need to step away. Look after yourself and your child.

UnperfectLife · 03/02/2019 19:14

Nervous breakdown may not be a clinical diagnosis but I know exactly what you mean. It's like some sort of emotional breakdown or crisis and it's not necessarily medical (yet). Not knowing what is going on leaves you in limbo, which is a terrible place to be. You have no control over the situation, little understanding of what is going on and no meaningful communication from him. Very very stressful.
I had the same with my husband after he was threatened with redundancy. It went on for over a year and didn't end well I'm afraid.
It's very hard but I would concentrate on trying to keep the usual routine going, as far as you are able. Seek out support for yourself- emotional and practical.
What is your relationship like with his family/ parents. Can they shed any light on what is going on?

Duvetday2day · 03/02/2019 19:25

@dani35
I think I commented on your previous thread.

I can’t offer any meaningful advice, and I don’t know what I can suggest you do?

All I can say is I’m in the same boat, DP has distanced himself is cold. He says he doesn’t know what to do, and doesn’t feel himself, like part of him is lost. He isn’t just like this with me, it seems to be everyone.

This has been going on months. I’ve tried to let him know I’m here, I’ve given him space, I’ve tried to be there, I’ve cried, I’ve shouted, I’ve tried to get him to get help. But I’m running out of ideas and suggestions. It’s horrible.

I’ve tried now to be firmer, and get on with my life, before it makes me seriously ill. I’ve been to my GP and got help, and I’m just trying small steps. Try for now to give him space, build your life with DC.

Original poster

Dani35 · 03/02/2019 19:26

His parents are as much in the dark as I am. He's not talking much about it, or if he is they aren't telling me.

His dad said he wasn't getting involved which isn't much help. He is quite stubborn like his dad. We've been together for 13 years but his family keep saying they don't want to be caught in the middle of this. (That's what his sister said) but he's not talking much?
There's lots of resentment and anger from my side which I'm a bit ashamed of if he's genuinely having issues. My emotions are everywhere

OP posts:

UnperfectLife · 03/02/2019 19:35

Unless they know something they aren't telling you, surely you and his family are on the SAME 'side'- you both want him better and functioning normally again.
I wonder why his family think they don't want to be 'in the middle'? It suggests they think you and he are on opposing sides of something.
What was your relationship like before he left?

Original poster

Dani35 · 03/02/2019 19:42

We didn't spend a lot of time together as he worked away a lot or late and maybe had date night once every 3 or 4 months. I guess we drifted apart or just presumed this was adult life with a child!

His family can be a bit like this... It's none of our business were not getting involved, especially if he's bottling things up and I'm losing my temper (as I have done recently)

OP posts:

Duvetday2day · 03/02/2019 20:25

Your bound to be angry, it’s not nice living your life in limbo. Especially when it’s come so out of the blue. It’s like they know what is going on in their head to some extent, and others around them are just left to join the dots.
His family shouldn’t stay in the middle, especially when this is effecting this GD and DS. My DPs mum has tried, but to what extent I don’t know.

SwordofGryffindor · 04/02/2019 00:32

He's off having fun while you're home with a kid and you're waiting to see if he wants to come back ??????? No you deserve more

mytieisascarf · 04/02/2019 00:41

Take control of the situation. You don't have to be living life in limbo. He has made the choice to leave you and your child. He continues to make the choice to not communicate with you. It has been a month. If he is capable of making these choices he is capable of making the choice to come back... but he hasn't. So you make a choice.

bastardkitty · 04/02/2019 00:48

Please keep in mind that you are in control of your own life. You can decide how long you are willing to wait for him to come back. You make your own boundaries. You don't know how unwell (or otherwise) he is because he's opted out of communicating with you. The comment from his sister is a concern. It suggests he's either blaming you or keeping secrets from you. You're naturally very focused on needing to know where you stand. Try and step back from this (I know that's not easy) and take the space for yourself. You have no choice because he doesn't want your input. Focus on yourself and your DD and put your H to one side for now. See if you miss him. Consider whether this is a relationship you actually want to be in. Or whether it's just familiar. If this is his way of leaving the relationship, he's very cowardly. I would try and focus on the here and now for a bit. Can you get some support for yourself and don't just use it to speculate about what's wrong with him?

UnperfectLife · 04/02/2019 07:41

You can't go on like this- it's very painful and stressful. Maybe you could decide a time period, say 2 more weeks, where you will just carry on as best as you can, and then in 2 weeks you will review the situation.
I don't think you can decide now that you will divorce him - the situation isn't clear as to what is actually going on.
However, you need to think about whether your relationship can survive this, or indeed whether that is what you even want any more.

His coldness towards you still hurts, even if he's depressed. You are not a robot with no feelings- hence your 'outburst'. Forgive yourself for this- It's ridiculous that he claims your behaviour made him worse. How dare he say such shit. Remember his depression, if that's what it is, is not your fault or responsibility.
I read your other thread and there are people who have got through similar situations.

Bowchicawowow · 04/02/2019 07:48

SwordofGryfindor I don’t think that’s a particularly helpful comment. People who are experiencing mental health problems aren’t going to ‘have fun’ whatever the circumstances.

MrsRobot71 · 04/02/2019 07:55

Don’t want to worry you but have you considered that there might be an OW?

crimsonlake · 04/02/2019 07:59

Whilst I sympathise as he has been through a lot...why is it he simply feels he can walk away from everything and his responsibilities ? The majority of mums would not do that , can you imagine us waking up one day and feeling it has all gotten too much and walking away from our children?

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