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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

what is non-violent domestic abuse?

9 replies

squee123 · 03/02/2019 18:11

Is anyone able to point me in the direction of some information that I can share with a friend to help her understand that just because her husband isn't hitting her he is still abusive? I have had concerns for many years but last week she finally admitted that he is very manipulative and controlling of her. He routinely screams at her and spits in her face. The neighbours have called the police several times. She is starting to think of making a plan to leave, but one thing that is holding her back is that she doesn't seem to recognise this as abuse. She thinks perhaps this is normal in a marriage and that she is provoking the behaviour.

I would like to share some information with her to digest in her own time. I will make sure to give it to her away from the house so that she can keep it in her desk at work and read it outside the house. I would be really grateful for anything you can recommend. I will be there for her every step of the way, but I know she needs to make the decision herself.

Thank you

OP posts:
maeggee · 03/02/2019 19:01

Oh this is about giving her the right info , abuse can be of different nature and honestly we women take a lot before we recognise it . There is a new law that condemn abuse under all forms, that is emotional abuse maybe get a passage of the law and send it to her? I really do feel angry I guess you do too.

Wolfiefan · 03/02/2019 19:06

Be careful what you send to her. If he sees it or thinks she’s leaving then the abuse could escalate.
Swearing.
Hitting objects other than partner
Threatening
Sulking
Controlling financially
Isolating from friends and family
Expecting to know where they are or checking up on them.
Making the partner worry if they step out of line
Putting them down. Ridiculing any chance to make a better life or achieve anything
Any of that familiar? Not me. But people I know.

supergrains · 03/02/2019 20:46

If you spit at someone that is assault for a start.

supergrains · 03/02/2019 20:47

Eg a crime.

pog100 · 03/02/2019 22:37

www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship
The Government definition also outlines the following:

Coercive behaviour is an act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim
Controlling behaviour is a range of acts designed to make a person subordinate and/or dependent by isolating them from sources of support, exploiting their resources and capacities for personal gain, depriving them of the means needed for independence, resistance and escape and regulating their everyday behaviour

Worrynot1 · 04/02/2019 11:19

Whatever you want it to be.

squee123 · 04/02/2019 17:50

thanks to those that have provided links Flowers

Obviously I know the behaviour is very wrong and abusive but I need to find materials that support this so these are very helpful.

Are there any books on the topic I could recommend please?

OP posts:
bilbodog · 04/02/2019 18:36

Why does he do this by lundy bancroft is good.

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