Are they all abusive??

[zobo90]

I would like to hear about all you ladies out there with good husbands, real good men who don't lay their hands on the women they are meant to adore.

Growing up my step dad physically, mentally and financially abused my mum, her only leaving when he slapped me as a teenager. Her next husband, abused her physically and verbally. She left him for another man who has turned around and physically assaulted her last week.

I am 27 and have recently (6 months ago) left an abusive relationship of my own (verbal and sometimes mildly physical, ie pushing and blocking my exit, destroying my make up, smashing laptop etc). We have a child together and it is still very volatile. I would like to be happy in the near future with a man who loves me, respects me and treats accordingly... oh and will stay faithful! Surely this is not much to ask?

So whilst I hold on to my dream of a fantasty man, I would like to hear how your husbands are good men! Thanks! X

I'm really lucky with my husband. He is a thoughtful gentle man who does his share of the housework. I have both mental and physical health issues and he has always been patient and supportive about them.

The vast majority of men are decent and not abusive. Without implying it's your fault somehow, I think it might be useful to work out why you are attracted to such men and learn to recognise the signs. Try and break the cycle.

According to Mumsnet, they are!

Well done for leaving your own abusive relationship. That took a lot of courage, fear of their partner often keeps people with their abuser.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and yours taught you an awful lot of damaging lessons. Stuff like this can and does go down the generations. It is not altogether surprising sadly that you have gone onto be in an abusive relationship yourself.

I would suggest you enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme which is run by Womens Aid. If at all possible do this in person. I suggest this as it will help you with boundaries which have been well and truly battered by both your stepdad and your abusive ex.

Your mother has continued to be in abusive relationships and you cannot afford to make the same relationship errors that she has and continues to make.

Love your own self for a change and work on rebuilding you, strengthening your boundaries and your life going forward. This is just as important than just merely learning about how kind men do behave.

Do also read the sticky thread at the top of the Relationships pages too and remember always that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

My DH treats me with respect and love.
He is a kind man with a good sense of humour. He's 29 and does all he can to support us as a family. He works full time, does some of the house work, is completing a masters at uni in the evening and takes care of our DC on Saturdays when I work 9-6.

We sometimes argue and irritate each other and bicker about silly little things but he'd nerves make sly or nasty digs, be physically aggressive (he's a tall guy 6ft5 but so gentle) and we have a joint account, he shares all this wages as he believes that's what's right. And he apologises when necessary, as do I, which I think is quite an important thing.

My Dp is amazing.

I was abused and raped by exh. Dp, who most people think looks like he could kill with bare hands is so gentle with me. He understands me, is patient and kind when I am having bad days. He leaves me notes so when I get up (I am an early riser) I am reminded that he loves me. He is amazing. He is very tall, wide shouldered and generally massive (big hands, big wrists etc) and I can admit he doesn't look the friendliest of people. But he is a big huge teddy bear.

Exh on the other hand was short, slight built, seemed totally laid back, friendly etc and was a complete cunt.

All men aren't abusive. Not even close to all men. But you can't tell until you really know them. You have to keep your guard up a long time.

I am sorry you experienced what you did. It changes who you are, but it will get better

When reading these boards regularly, it can serve well to remember that there's a very strong selection bias at work.

By definition, you're going to get way more bad stories than good on a board like this.

AttilaTheMeerkat makes an excellent suggestion of completing the freedom programme.

I too suffered in abusive relationships. My husband, however, is completely different. Very respectful, loving, hardworking, basically 'normal' inhisownway man. I think we only really hear about the bad because that is what people need advice on more.

Having had an abusive ex and childhood, I've taken some time out to be single and it has been good for me to pay attention to good men I've met at work for example who are married decent guys.They are out there. I've also made a couple of friends who are men. I'd recommend this approach as I feel like its made me raise the bar.

My DH is lovely. Kind caring, makes sure I have my own money, does his share of the housework etc Has done throughout our marriage. I have had increasing health problems and he’s always there for me despite having his own problems. I hope you can find somebody like him and the other DH and DP on here

I have been in an physically and emotionally abusive relationship when I was younger, thankfully I had friends and family that helped me to get out.

But NAMALT.

I have been very lucky that XH and now DP and all the other men in my life (Dad, BIL, friends husbands, boss) are all decent, kind, respectful men - which most are.

I don't mean to sound smug but I'm in my 50s, married forever, and can honestly say I have never seen or experienced domestic violence in any form, either towards me or my mother. DH is a gentle soul who'd never lay a finger on anybody, is capable & supportive. My DF is the same, as was DH's DF. My three young adult sons are also gentle & caring & have been brought up with good, decent role models.

I'm sorry so many women experience violence & abuse. There are good, decent men out there .

The freedom programme is a great idea.
I only found my DH once I was confident and independent enough to be happy on my own. I think that helps. I wasn’t looking to be “adored” or have someone make my life complete.
Married nearly 20 years. No abuse. He makes me laugh. He’s great with the kids. He’s supportive and we are a team.

Thank you all for your lovely replies!! It's nice to know there is some decent men out there!

@AttilaTheMeerkat thank you for the support. I was trapped for a very long time (8 years) but I was strong and I got out. You're right about the cycle, I must brake it as I don't want DS to become like his dad and I will do everything in my power for that nor to happen! X

No OP they’re not but I grew up with an abusive father and brother, so have some understanding of why you would think that.
I’ve married a wonderful man; caring, hard working, intelligent, tolerant, helps that we share the same odd sense of humour too ( one of my criteria was a man who is able to really laugh at himself and be silly). He has his faults too but I always know I am safe with him.

All the men in my life from growing up and to now have been thoroughly decent human beings. A few boyfriends were awful but from perspective that we were not compatible.

I'm very fortunate to have an amazing DH who respects me, does the majority of the house work and tells me every day that I'm beautiful and wonderful (I do tell him that he's talking rubbish but he insists he isn't! )

My father was violent and abusive, fortunately my mum got out while I was young. She's never had another relationship she was so scarred by him. Therefore I never saw a 'normal ' relationship growing up, I very much kept my barriers up when relationships started to get into serious territory. But with DH I just knew he was the one because from the start we've been equals on every level. There are good men out there... just don't ignore the red flags and waste time on the bad ones.

@ChewyLouie yes Safe is another thing, I always feel safe and secure with DH because I know he would never intentionally do anything to hurt me , and would protect me from anyone who wanted to hurt me.

@ChewyLouie @elasticfantastic I am totally with you on the safe part. For years I was on edge whenever I heard footsteps on the stairs so it's really important to me that I feel safe in my next relationship. I think until then I will be quite wary and keep my guard up. I really thought I would be with my ex for the rest of my life so it's hard even writing about another man! X

I have seen it from both sides. My DF was alcoholic, violent , abusive and a generally rotten person .
Because of this, I was a late starter with boys. I had trust issues and was determined not to get involved with an asshole like my DF.
I was very lucky to meet my DH at 22years old, we've been together 23 years , married for 16 of those.
He's thoughtful, gentle, caring, the best Dad ever andvid know how lucky I am to have him.
You can break the cycle.

Zobo90 listening out for footsteps, that brings it back and putting objects in front of the door to give yourself a head start 🙁
Keep an eye out for the good ones, they’re out there 💐

My DSis and I had an abusive childhood. Our F abused us in every way (including SA) and our DM suffered EA at his hands. (I've only recognised that since coming onto Mumsnet.) He was very controlling with us all.

My DSis's first marriage was abusive, whereas I was unable to form attachments with men. But now we both have lovely DHs (I've been happily married now for nearly 16 years and she's been happily married for 11 years.) I have 2 DDs (adopted) and she has 3 DC of her own and a DSS from her DH's previous marriage.

So there are lovely men out there and you can break the cycle. But I remember that when my DSis came out of her first marriage, she couldn't recognise that her DH had been abusive, she blamed herself. Now she gets it.

Good luck.

I left 2 abusive relationships and never thought I'd find a good guy but I was wrong.

My DH is incredible. He is the sweetest, loveliest, most generous man I've ever met.
He's nothing but kind to me, works hard to support me and our dd and is a hands on dad. (He also does more housework than me 🙈 I do try but he sees stuff that I just don't)

Every morning he brings me a cup of tea and my breakfast before he leaves for work because if I get hungry, I throw up (morning sickness - 4 months pg).
When he had spare cash (before we became parents lol) he used to buy me roses as I love them and he'd always buy different types. I never knew there was so many breeds.

He puts so much thought into every thing he does and always tries to make sure is actions benefit me and our dd. He is honestly perfect and I don't deserve him one bit but I make sure he knows how loved he is and I work hard to be the best wife and mother I can be.

Good men do exist. It's easy to fall for a 'type' with abusive men and when you break that cycle, you might just find your Prince Charming 😊