New relationship - does this have a future?

[MarcMyWords]

TIA for your thoughts on this

I started dating a single mum from OLD two months ago. The XH isn't around and she doesn't have a babysitter, because she feels guilty leaving the kids at home in the evening. So mostly we were only able to see each other after kids' bedtime when her housemates were in.

On the third date, we ended up chatting for six hours and then to hers with snogs and petting which to me felt like we were equally into. I felt smitten, but also quite vulnerable as this was the first person I had properly dated since my marriage (which took a decade to finally fall apart) eventually ended two years ago.

Because I had other OLDs lined up, I afterwards suggested I cancel those and that we both go exclusive.

But as the weekly dates have gone on, the snogs became kisses, the kisses became hugs and she was only able to see me once a week. I also feel it is just me initiating any of the physical contact, which really hurts as she hadn't actually said anything about wanting to dial things down after the third date until I brought this up, despite accepting the exclusivity. Most of the time now, I feel I am spending our precious few hours together initiating conversations to try to figure out the meaning of this relationship. This might be 'character building' conversation but it's not much fun and not what I signed up to OLD for.

She said that she was badly hurt in a very difficult marriage and worried about getting in too deeply too quickly. She also said I didn't fit her usual type, and when I asked what that meant, all she could say was that "I made her feel irreverent". I said I had no idea what that meant . I am prepared to work - hard - to support her circumstances and take things at any slow pace, but I'm not happy about being exclusive if things continue to drift towards the friendship zone.

I just don't know where to go from here. Other friends advice has been quite blunt - look after yourself and get out of this unhappy setup; OLD is not for people who are trying to build friendships, or have no idea whether they want to get close to someone in the future; it's supposed to be fun and is for people who are already hoping for intimacy somewhere down the line and are enjoying discovering whether or not the person they've met is right for them.

I agree with your friends.

This is the honeymoon period of your relationship. Does it feel like it? Bin, block, forget and move on.

Loads out there online , life is too short for any hassle. Move on to next and be wary of the frail and damaged.

Well I'd have asked for clarity on the making her feel irrelevant. That's a huge statement and I think you need to look at it regardless.

Does she feel you rushed the physic side for your own satisfaction? That it wasn't equal or reciprocal? Do you talk over. Her, minimise her feelings and experiences, not listen to her?

I think you need a good chat. Ask what she means. See if there's a way through it. Ask where she see's you both in 6 months.

Ultimately it sounds like it's fizzled out but I'd use her comments for some introspection. She might be talking nonsense or talking from her pain and projecting but self analysis won't harm you

Thanks @SleepingStandingUp

Well it would have been a big statement if she had said "irrelevant". But she said "irreverent", by which she said she meant, in my company she had a tendency to be foolish or comical. So I couldn't make anything of that.

The physical side - yes she did feel rushed. But it most definitely was not initiated on one side, at least not in the beginning.

I can't give you an objective measure of the conversation, but if felt very much like I was the one opening the topics and she was doing at least 50% of the talking... and there were very often long pauses as we both struggled to express our thoughts.

Anyway, this is all "irrelevant" as yesterday she called it off, saying she wasn't ready for a relationship with anyone just yet. I just wish I had been more honest with myself and said so first.

Two lessons from this for me: wait for the other person to demand exclusivity; and in future look for women who can be very open about their feelings rather than having to have it drawn out of them.

Ah sorry, misread.

There's nothing wrong with suggesting exclusivity, lots of women would really like it that you did. But yes to emotional openess

I think you sound great OP and I hope that you're feeling ok. Lesson learnt. I don't think she's behaved too badly in fairness, but she wasn't right for you at this time. I hope you both end up with what you want.

Thank you @SuperSuperSuper

No, she didn't behave badly at all. We all struggle in different ways to express our feelings, right?

Actually feel much better now, particularly having spent yesterday organising new dates! I would normally call that 'rebound' behaviour, but to be honest there isn't much to rebound from...

People who have had distance in childhood relationships with their parents often seem carry this through to a form of co-dependency in adulthood.

I used to recognise this in myself; my unavailable mother meant I sought women who were themselves emotionally unavailable, or stuck in co-dependence. Whereas I withdrew from relationships with women who were more emotionally resilient.

But that was before I did years of therapy work which finally let me break free from this pattern. Something for which I am eternally grateful.

Now, I don't know she is in a similar pattern, but it does seems likely given what she told me about her relationship history. If so, I have to let go of trying to "help" her and accept that she might only recognise this tendency years down the line...