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Original poster

I regret not cheating - is it over?

13 replies

user108 · 03/02/2019 14:09

DP and I have DC together. We have an overall good relationship, but some days I'm not sure if I'm in love with him anymore, and some days the bickering is just draining.

I had the opportunity to cheat this week (never had it before) and it took quite a lot of effort not to (I know that sounds awful). It was after a few drinks and I actually really wanted to, I just instinctively had to get up and get home as I knew it wasn't right.

But now, I'm regretting not. I know that makes me sound like the worst person ever. But I'm naturally annoyed at myself for taking the opportunity (and disgusted every time I think like that!!!!).

I'm not looking for approval to cheat or be disloyal. I'm looking to hear people's experiences of anything like this, to try and stop feeling like the worst person ever, and to see if this sounds like my relationship isn't standing much of a chance. Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
user108 · 03/02/2019 14:14

For not taking the opportunity, that should say!

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 03/02/2019 14:19

OK. That's a good thing really!

You now have a golden opportunity to re-evauate your relationship and decide if it is still what you want.

Pros: you dodn't cheat, so there must be something left in it for you

Cons: you regret it, so maybe what s there is more habit than choice.

Many years ago I had a similar moment. But DH and I were just in a bit of a rut and I never regretted not taking my moment. But I didn't ignore it. I did mull over why at that moment that prticualr person had made me even wonder "what if..."

I can only assume Dh has had similar moment/s and has come to much the same decision. We aren't broke, maybe a bit too comfortable, but we are right together.

Don't ignore it. Don't try and pretend you aren't feeling how you are. Be totally honest with yourself and work out why and what next!

Original poster
user108 · 03/02/2019 14:30

@CuriousaboutSamphire thank you for your reply Thanks

I think I'm just getting overwhelmed with the regret of it and beating myself up and then getting ridiculously fearful about the fact my relationship might be over at some point!

OP posts:
HowardSpring · 03/02/2019 14:48

The key thing is that you have DC together so if you can make it work better for everyone. and yes - me too - I have missed opportunities for the sake of doing the right thing. In the end though you have to live with yourself - and explain to your kids at some point.

If you do decide to finish the relationship then do it honestly. There will be other opportunities

Original poster
user108 · 03/02/2019 15:09

@HowardSpring thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
user108 · 03/02/2019 20:18

Thank you for moving to relationships topic for me Smile

OP posts:
SuperSuperSuper · 03/02/2019 21:00

I think you're asking the right thing ...it is a question of figuring out whether or not you rebuffed this guy only because it was the "right" thing to do.

You seem to be lamenting the lost opportunity which is a bad sign. Most happily paired-up women would have rejected his advances and not given it a second thought.

Or could it simply be that you enjoyed the attention? You mention that it doesn't happen often.

There's a thread running somewhere entitled something like "what's the real reason you don't cheat". It's interesting.

Closetbeanmuncher · 03/02/2019 21:35

You're overwhelmed with regret at not cheating...Seriously??

I think it's time to end your relationship.

showmeshoyu · 03/02/2019 22:08

Never regret doing the right thing. In the fullness of time, you'll be glad you did. You'll sleep better at night knowing you took the high road.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 04/02/2019 09:13

Is it just that now you've done the right thing, it's "safe" to fantasise about what might have been?

ravenmum · 04/02/2019 09:50

What do you feel as if you've missed by not cheating?
Do you generally have intrusive thoughts, e.g. you fleetingly imagine kicking someone in the shins, and then feel dreadfully guilty that the thought could even have crossed your mind, and then you find yourself thinking the bad thought even more because you are so worried about having thought it?
Like this: moodsmith.com/intrusive-thoughts/

SandyY2K · 04/02/2019 11:30

If you feel like this your relationship is really over.

GOODCAT · 04/02/2019 13:16

If you had cheated, you would be regretting it now and would always regret it. Cheating hurts the cheater too.

Do the right thing and leave the relationship or stay, fix it and don't cheat. It is the better way for everyone involved.

You know you cannot trust yourself to do the right thing at the moment so avoid the other person at all costs and never be alone with them. Your feelings will diminish and go away over a period of time.

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