Help me find courage and freedom please.

[FlowerInBloom]

Long time reader and recent poster - I have namechanged for this because I want to move forward.

I’ve got to an age where I realise so much of what I’ve tolerated is really wrong. I’ve always had trouble with codependency, with romantic relationships, yes, but also in friendships and family relationships.

It’s not a surprise, based on my upbringing which was filled with trauma, I was inevitably going to have issues... But realising you have them, and changing things, are two different stories.

I’m at a point where I realise my marriage is failing and I don’t think it’s retrievable. Apart from unpleasant behaviour by my husband, which could maybe be improved if we had counselling, the intimacy is dead.

By that I do mean sex, but I also mean emotional. Just spending time together, being a friend... It was better in the beginning, but it wasn’t without issues even then. Then we got married and had babies and he stepped it down dramatically.

I don’t want to give too much detail, but it is evident he only behaved in certain ways to get me to commit and to have babies, and now doesn’t feel he needs to be intimate with me at all.

My 9 year old daughter told me yesterday it makes her sad to see how he is significantly less affectionate with me than with the kids, and even then, his willingness to spend time with the family doesn’t feel enough for her.

None of the kids feel as close to him as me.

That’s a terrible picture to paint of what a marriage looks like.

But putting aside the kids’ feelings, this is smothering me. I feel so lonely it’s unreal. And his other behaviour is a problem too, it’s indicative of the fact that he isn’t really respecting me.

No, it’s not caused by porn, another woman, etc. He’s just a very singular minded man.

In any case, I know now, that there doesn’t have to be another woman, or a porn/drug/alcohol problem (although alcohol is an issue for him), or violence, for me to realise that this relationship is hurting me.

After many years (40% of my total years of life so far), I know this can’t get better. Even if he did change, too much has happened that has made me lose my attachment to him.

I call it attachment because I do love him still, but for giving me our kids and for various aspects of his personality/our memories, but love isn’t enough to make me want to see out 10 more years, let alone months, anymore.

The problem is, I am absolutely terrified of telling him.

Don’t get me wrong, I know it’s not fair on any of us to pretend anymore.

But he will feel his entire life is imploding. He will play the victim. He will tell all that I am lying about him and the reason for our split (not that I intend on telling too much).

I know I can’t control that, and if we didn’t have kids, I’d have already left by now...

But the prospect of working out child custody/visits, housing for whoever moves (if that isn’t both sides), money things, and a divorce, and him telling his family, friends, and fans (he is well known for his occupation), that he has been treated badly, while I have no family, and very few trustworthy friends, with almost no emotional support and absolutely no practical support, really fills me with fear and dread.

Please, can anyone share how they screwed up their courage to make the break? How did you cope with the aftermath?

I’m sweating and shaking at just the thought of all this. But the longer I stay, the more I feel I lose my sense of self.

*I meant the kids don’t feel as close to him, as they feel to me.

Hi Flower

I'm so sorry to hear this

First of all - know that lots of other people have been through very similar experiences. By that, I mean most of what you've shared.

Second - recognise that you've done incredible work so far. You've understood what it is in your past that has made you vulnerable, the co-dependency and your exceptional tolerance of the loveless marriage.

You don't need a convenient label (excuse) for his behaviour, just like trauma doesn't need to fit into neat categories.

Going through break-up after 15 years felt like entering a totally dark, bleak and terrifying place. It was the hardest thing I ever did, not least because I tended to blame myself for everything (and co-dependency meant she willingly joined in!) and so I hid the break-up from most of my family and friends for over a year after moving out, which made things much harder.

And then, the fog slowly lifted - thanks to wonderful therapy sessions where I gradually accepted that shame and pain thrive in the dark - they only go away by sharing with people you can trust.

Plus art therapy, reading Brené Brown, Melody Beattie and Alice Miller (guessing at least one of these is on your bookshelf)

Gradually having the courage to try new things and meet new people (but each time was terrifying). And recently, dating again; equally terrifying and enormously exposing for me. But it has meant a new life for me - no longer believing I'm a failure for the break-up, or guilty, or isolated. I only wish I'd had the insight and courage to make the decision at least five years earlier.

The chances he will commit to what may be a long, difficult and painful series of counselling sessions, which need to start right away, seems remote but I don't know him so can't rule it out.

If not, then break-up is of course going to be very painful, but you also need to know that at the other side, there is a world of wonderful people out there who will treat you with respect, tenderness and affection. The more you understand your co-dependent tendencies, and can find a safe environment to talk about them in, the more likely you are to meet those kinds of people.

I wish you all the courage in the world.

Thanks Marc. I really appreciate your words but I can’t seem to think clearly enough to say much in response today...

I must admit I feel absolutely low today. Had a panic attack last night, so I slept in this morning as I couldn’t get to sleep until about 2:30am, and when I woke up I just felt miserable and hopeless.

He came and spoke to me and as he smiled his eyes were so lovely, and he was being so nice...

I kept thinking that it’s almost as if I just wish he could’ve been the dream guy, but am sad because he’s not. Having lovely eyes, and lots of good qualities, don’t make up for behaviours that lead me to feel neglected, lonely, controlled, and anxious.

I can’t even imagine being with someone else ever. But me leaving him wouldn’t just be to give me space to be loved by someone else, it would give me space to love myself. In fact being completely alone would almost feel less bad than this...

There’s something about being neglected that feels worse than just being alone. I’m not alone but I feel lonely.

And I don’t have many people to lean on, they’re either family who are distant (either geographically or in their attitude), or work friends, or friends I haven’t known very long.

There are two ladies other than that - one who is “practical” not emotional (her words), and another who is just not available to me.

I’m lonely in all regards, except at my new job. But my boss is my boss, she’s not there to be a best friend.

My husband has therefore been my only friend who I had regular contact with. But like I say, even then. Friendship (at least not only friendship) isn’t what I wanted from marriage.

We’ve talked a lot about the problems. They sometimes improve for a bit then they slide backwards.

I’m just exhausted in every way.

You have done brilliantly to be so perceptive under such traumatic circumstances. The fact that you are speaking about being beguiled by him, and recognise this, is a great step.

I can't help thinking that you would really benefit from seeing a good relationship counsellor, on your own. Don't waste your time exposing your vulnerability to people who aren't emotionally available, there's nothing wrong with handing over hard cash (if you can) in exchange for good therapy!

As I said, you've clearly done a great deal of work you can be very proud of relating to your past, trauma and triggers which one day will be extremely valuable in connecting with people who will care about you. And I do understand that this is "unimaginable" right now.

Thank you Marc. I honestly don’t know why I’m so lost for words at the moment. Usually you can’t shut me up.

This whole thing hurts.