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Relationships

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Original poster

Have I been cruel here?

17 replies

AllFakeFurCoatAndNoSpanx · 03/02/2019 09:10

I broke up with a lovely man about a month ago. We’d been together for seven months.

There are a few reasons but mostly to do with me rather than him. He was a truly lovely boyfriend but I knew the relationship wasn’t right for me, he was in love and I wasn’t, so it felt unkind to go on even though I was having a nice time.

I wanted to go to see him to have a face to face conversation, but he sensed from my messages what was up, called me and insisted I say it on the phone. We live in different cities.

Since then he’s been begging to “see me one last time.” He says it’s cruel and unbearable to him to not have had the opportunity for a proper goodbye. He has been trying to persuade me to give him another chance but seems to have accepted it now, but still wants to come up and spend a day or weekend here for closure.

I think this is a terrible idea and a bit melodramatic. He’s an intense guy and I think there would be lots of tears and dramatics. He swears otherwise.

Last night I was at dinner with some friends and one said I was being incredibly unkind about this, that I’ve forgotten what heartbreak feels like, that after breaking up with him on the phone it would be good to have a clear the air/closure chat. Friend said it’s clear I just don’t care enough.

The fact is that although ex has many great qualities I DON’T care enough and that’s why I ended it! And breaking up means that you don’t see each other anymore!

Am I being a bitch? I’m pretty sure I’m not but friend has left me worried that my own, heartbreaking clusterfuck of a breakup about 18 months ago has left me dead inside.

OP posts:

Variousartists · 03/02/2019 09:14

No definitely leave it. Insist it’s over if he calls and say you do not want to see him.

I have been in this position where exes want to meet up one last time or go for a coffee as friends and then it all gets emotional and full of angst. I have even been persuaded to try one more time when I haven’t wanted to.

He might want to analyse everything and put his side across. Waste of time.

limerancevictim · 03/02/2019 09:16

No unless you need to get stuff off him, block and move on

You’re allowed to break up because you aren’t feeling it.

Parthenope · 03/02/2019 09:18

Not cruel at all. You’d intended to break up face to face, he persuaded you into doing it on the phone, and now he wants some ghastly retrospective analysis session where you rehash things and he probably tries to talk you back into the relationship? Nope.

Musti · 03/02/2019 09:24

No, it was his fault. You're not going to change your mind so this would just prolongs it and give him false hope and make you feel bad.

You can't help not feeling the same way for him.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 03/02/2019 09:26

Waaaay more cruel to meet him I’d say. Either the meeting will be super emosh and upsetting, or he’s secretly seeing it as a chance to change your mind. Or both.

Sever ties and he’ll move on faster.

Darkbaptism · 03/02/2019 09:33

Meeting him would give him a spark of hope that he can win you back, to me that’s more cruel.

Ratbagcatbag · 03/02/2019 09:36

Agree with everyone else. It's just going to be emotional and messy.
You've told him it's over and you don't want to meet. Him being pushy is intense and to be honest after 7 months it seems a bit too much.

Original poster

AllFakeFurCoatAndNoSpanx · 03/02/2019 09:40

Thanks so much all for confirming my instincts on this. I love MN!

OP posts:

Bess78 · 03/02/2019 09:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Renarde1975 · 03/02/2019 10:28

You're friends are tits. Sorry.

You're not feeling it, looks like you ended it with grace and dignity and are even taking phone calls.

I'd say it might be time to stop taking those calls OP...

TougheningUp · 03/02/2019 10:39

Your friends are wrong. In fact, I think you should be giving him less, not more. Tell him just once that you don't want to hear from him againand do this in writing, so you can prove you've told him, so by text or email or something like thatthen stop engaging with him. Stop responding to his messages. He gets nothing more from you.

I don't think you sound cruel at all but I do think your ex sounds manipulative and dysfunctional. You need to separate from him completely, ASAP.

PerverseConverse · 03/02/2019 10:42

Don't meet up with him. It will upset him, give him hope and guilt trip you. Clean and quick is much better. Like a plaster.

sackrifice · 03/02/2019 10:42

Friend said it’s clear I just don’t care enough.

'Correct. i don't care enough. Which is why I dumped him. Let it go'.

ImNotKitten · 03/02/2019 10:46

Terrible idea to meet up with him to rehash it all. He probably wouldn’t get ‘closure’ from meeting up with you as he won’t agree with your reasons for breaking it off. At the most I’d have one last phone call and then make it clear you don’t want any more contact to allow you both to move on.

Original poster

AllFakeFurCoatAndNoSpanx · 03/02/2019 10:51

You’re all absolutely right. I don’t want to see him again to be honest and will have better boundaries about the phone calls (which have been long, intense and tearful on his side.)

My friend is probably projecting a bit as he has been left recently too and talked a lot about how needing an explanation is natural and necessary to move on etc. But there really isn’t an explanation in this case beyond “I’m not in love with you and it’s no one’s fault.” I could go into detail about all the ways we aren’t compatible but that will just hurt him and the truth is if I felt more for him those things wouldn’t matter anyway.

OP posts:

NoDealNoreen · 03/02/2019 10:52

It does sound cruel to dump someone out of the blue over the phone then block them. His sense of the relationship has gone from 60-0 in a second whereas you've known what you were going to do.

But that doesn't mean you should meet. We all do cruel things from time to time and for good reasons.

Honeyroar · 03/02/2019 11:01

The whole reason you finished it is because you didn't care enough! Of course you don't need to spend an agonising day or weekend with a broken hearted ex. What would that achieve anyway?? He thinks that he'll be able to change your mind if he spends the day crying and telling you how much he loves you. It will just drag it out for him and be horrible for you too. You've told him as politely and kindly as you could. It's just not there for you and never will be. That's all that needs to be said. You've not ghosted him, cheated or lied... It's sad for him (heck, a lot of us have been there) but it's life and he needs to deal with it. As does your mate!

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