Hello MNers. I was hoping for some perspective, hand holding or insight into my relationship. Some brief background: 29F, together ten years, lived together for six engaged for a year. No children. I work full time and manage my own finances. We share bills, mortgage payments etc. 50/50. Four months ago we completed on a house after a lengthy process.
However, its only now in the last three months it's dawned on me that I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship. My family have recently sat me down and said how concerned they are for me, that I've turned from a confident person to someone who is fearful and a shell of my former self.
My partner has always been quick to anger. His anger is unpredictable, it can be over something small such as something breaking or something more significant. He has always blamed this on his abusive childhood. This wasn't as noticeable in first few years or our relationship. However when it did flare up, he would shout, scream and swear. He would direct his anger at objects around the home, punching and kicking doors,walls or windows. He has never been violent towards me but I'm often in the room when he does this.
These episodes can last minutes, hours or days. He will always attribute blame to some external source (job, family). They are followed by contrition, apologies, declaring his love for me and how I'm his world. in the following weeks or months he will be loving and kind. He will make grand gestures such as booking holidays etc but this improvement is always temporary. We always have a lengthy conversation where he will promise to never do it again, given reasons why he behaves in this way.
Two years ago he had issues at work and had what he considers as a breakdown. After much cajoling he went to the doctor and was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. He briefly tried meds, didn't like them and gave up. He did not pursue offers of therapy.
His behaviour deteriorated after we've moved into this house. His Jekyll and Hyde moods have become unbearable. I am walking on eggshells constantly. I flinch when the door opens. I often find him ranting or muttering to himself. His anger has become worse. He will continuously hit himself or things around the house. He will fixate on minor things and use them as an excuse for his anger. I never know which 'him' I will come home to whether it be normal, depressed, or angry.
I gave him an ultimatum a few weeks after another episode and said I will only stay if he gets help. He tried to get me to arrange it for him, which I refused and he eventually contacted a charity who offered CBT but he didn't want to attend as it was during work hours. He only told me this two days ago
We have continued to have a series of arguments that have put things into perspective for me. He is now more directly blaming me "You take everything so personally and are too defensive", kicking and punching objects, obsessively calling me. He has threatened suicide three times saying I'm his world. I asked him to give me some space on Friday, but he showed up to the house at 3:30AM uncontrollably sobbing about how sorry he is.
Since my family have spoken to me I've been looking at things more critically. He will never change. He will always find someone or something to blame or excuse his behaviour. He will never get help, despite promising he will. I cannot and nor do I deserve to suffer these patterns of behaviour.
Last night after his phone calls I was convinced he was in the house. I was terrified, continuously checking rooms and doors. I have problems sleeping and have become a fearful person.
This will sound pathetic but my only joys in life are my work colleagues and my rescue cat.
My parents have pleaded with me to come home because they are concerned for my safety. I want to go home and be able to shut my front door and have peace. I need to get my documents together, my clothes and belongings. I do not want to come back to the house once I leave. I am going to take the cat. I do not want to give him any reason to have me back here.
I am pretending everything is normal not to arouse suspicion. He has been clingy, following me around the house, begging forgiveness.
I know the next few months will be difficult. He will not take this well. We need to sell the house as neither of us can afford it individually. I just want to be free of him.
The difficulties I'm having are the anger and shame I feel for letting myself be controlled and manipulated like this. I have wasted ten years of my life. It is both freeing and shaming to write all of this down because I've never been honest with anyone about his behaviour. In my gut I've known this isn't right it healthy for a long time, but I ignored it hoping he will change.