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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feel trapped in relationship

4 replies

Lolly95 · 03/02/2019 01:00

Hi, long post alert! I’m not a parent but I am looking for some advice from other women with life experience. I’m 23, I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for three and a half years; the majority of that time spent living together. From the outside it would seem that I’m happy with my life. But to be honest, I’ve been unhappy for the past year and a half. It’s something I have buried into the back of my mind because i do love my boyfriend and would never want to hurt him. He really is the dream boyfriend: he is nice to me, and now he has a good job he will always pay for things. I just feel like we don’t have anything to talk about anymore, and our sex life is non existent. I feel very guilty about it but I am now never in the mood to have sex with him at all. years of having the mirena coil hasn’t helped my sex drive, but I don’t feel attracted to my boyfriend any more and I think that’s the main reason we don’t have a sex life. It’s a topic that we don’t discuss but is obviously in the back of both our minds. I feel incredibly guilty about this. I feel that my previous relationships have always fizzled out with me feeling trapped and ending them. And when I felt the signs that it was happening with this relationship I buried them because this is the first person I’ve truly loved and i thought we were soul mates. I told myself I should stick at it and those doubts would go away. It’s difficult to describe. I love being with him because it feels so normal to be around him, he literally is my other half. I’m so used to being around him, and we’re very cuddly with each other. He spends a lot of time at work now with his new job so we bought two kittens to cure my loneliness. Now he works away on the weekends and each time I’m alone with my thoughts and start to think what am I doing in this relationship. Im staying in it out of guilt, fear of change, fear of being alone, financial reasons- there’s no way I could afford to live on my own and I have no where else to go. Now I have my cats to think about who I love like their my children. I just feel so trapped. I feel guilty about thinking of leaving but then guilty that I’m wasting his time pretending to be completely happy. I could continue to live a lie, it’s easy to focus on the positives but surely that can’t work forever. Surely I would crack one day and that could be years away and I’ll have wasted both of our lives. It’s scary that I have thought i would spend my life with this person and with one decision I could change the whole course of our lives, potentially for the worst. I just feel so lost. I don’t have anyone to talk to about this and wondered if anyone had been in a similar situation and what their experience was?

OP posts:
Jupiter13 · 03/02/2019 01:14

Your lucky you don't have children with him.

Brandyb · 03/02/2019 01:33

What stood out to me in your post was "I just feel like we don’t have anything to talk about anymore". Is he maybe a little bit dull? Do YOU have stuff to talk about - are you active elsewhere in your life? I can counsel only from the other side: I've been with someone for 20 years (I'm 43) and I still delight in them - we talk, have lovely conversation, we cook, we're bringing up two kids and that includes some agony, we fuck heartily - and I would not and could not be with anyone else. He both challenges and affirms me.
If the conversation, zing, and the mutual support/promotion is not there then I guess it is time to go alone. Don't be fearful, you are young and enquiring and now would be the best time - you've given it 3.5 years... there is better out there, esp if you get busy with your own stuff and reacquaint yourself with yourself first

Brandyb · 03/02/2019 01:42

Previous relationships fizzling out is no bad thing - you're experimenting with people, looking for a good fit - best make a good choice if you are in a long-term relationship and want a good joint partnership... There's no obligation to stay in anything unless it is meaningful and positive

Brandyb · 03/02/2019 01:45

Re the financial obstacle of leaving - where are you located? Could you find a room in a shared house? You can't see financial constraints as a reason to stay with someone - if you work and are not dependant, there will be a way

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