Bored in marriage. Don't want to end it.

[Chilledout11]

Just that really. Have always had a stable relationship and suppose not very exciting. Past few months I am more and more bored with it all but maybe that's part and parcel of life (and especially winter). My exciting events include grocery shopping or playground with dc. I just feel we have grown apart. I wad very upset over something this evening and he goes cold and doesnt respond or show warmth. He never gets in bad moods or anything. He isn't bad but I am so upset. Ten years married. Any advice.

Most weekends end up with feeling disappointed.

Start to arrange family outings on weekends.
Look at getting a job if you don’t have one.
Look at a hobby that you can all do together

Have a job - full time. Dh tends to visit his mum at weekends and I cook dinner for when he returns. Or does diy. We are growing apart.

When we got married decided not to cook the sunday roast, that can be eaten during the week. OH said his life revolved around that bloody lunch of his mothers. Was the same in my house growing up.

We got out of the house for the day or at least part of it. O.r on cold winter days would have friends around for brunch. We are out tomorrow birthday party for grandson.

You both need to shake things up a bit.

What would you like to do at weekends? Can you make a list and work your way through it? We often use Saturday for doing chores like shops/DIY/visiting MIL, then go out as a family on Sundays - nothing expensive usually, just a walk in the woods / beach or visiting a National Trust place but it feels like we've made the most of the weekend. Any reason why you couldn't do that?

I don't know what's happened. He tends to be quite tired from work. Sometimes we go food shopping and playground on way home. It just feels so horribly boring. I try and do uniforms and chores Thurs and Friday but it never stops. Always more job to do.

Does he know how you feel? You say that you don't want to end it. Sounds like maybe you are feeling stuck in a rut, and that ending it would be a bit drastic. Do you still love him? Good husband and father?

I think you're right that spells like this are part and parcel. Life isn't always exciting. You need quality time together though, and communication. You both should be willing to work on things. Talk to him about how you feel.

Maybe have a think before about what you could do together or he/you both do differently that might help. Be clear about what you're asking for - but flexible - and make sure he understands the context eg that a family outing is to nurture your relationship not just because you think it would be a nice day out. If he's anything like my dh he won't get that unless you spell it out.

Spell it out... ask him if he wants to stay married, and ask him how he wants to arrange that. I wish I had earlier on in my marriage. I am 16 years in and wondering how we won’t kill each other when we retire.

Maybe start with an honest conversation?

Great father loyal hardworking father. He has always been one for not doing much outside work/ diy. Not one for having fun. Traditional and non drinker etc.
I have had to work hard to make sure we do stuff. We split up initially after a few months of dating because he would bring cake to have tea and I wanted to go out.
But we got back together and he made more of an effort (theatre etc) he doesnt even like the tv on. Very set in his ways. Also we don't see much of each other as I work some evenings mid week.

I'm not going to leave. We are good parents and enjoy each other's company and compatible in ways. Maybe it's about me knowing the nature of him and compromise but I don't want to be miserable either.

So he is as he always was.

You can insist you do something together on Sunday (or suitable time).

But basically this is how he is.

If he is happy staying in maybe you could meet up with girlfriends in the evening every other week. When he visits his DM do you not go with him?

Have you thought of enrolling on an evening class on the evenings you do not work?

Yeah. I kind of thought a lot last night and I am not going to suddenly change him at 40.

He sounds very dull but you did know this when you decided to make a life together. Can you have some excitement with friends? Without your DP? Make a regular get together date for a few drinks and then you have something to look forward to?

I am trying to not blame him. He is the way he is. Doesnt even like butter on his potatoes type of man.

I don't go to his mother's all the time as I get burdened with a lot of problems. I already work in a tough emotional job (social work) and my own mother is ill and not very nice to me. I would love weekends to be nice since during the week is so mundane and hard.

I feel like once a fortnight, you and he should agree to do something together. (unfortunately you'd probably have to decide, plan and make sure it happened). The other weekend, he chooses, so probably stay home.

I wouldn't even mind going out for Sunday dinner somewhere (break from washing up too)
We are members of National Trust so have that. Ours is closed at the moment.

Why can’t you go out for Sunday lunch then? It sounds like you will have to be the driving force in arranging things to do. I’m sure you could do one thing each weekend and that could make a big difference.

Make sure he understands how you feel. At least give him a chance to try and be a bit more the way you want him to be.

He knows how I feel. He says we will do stuff and that lasts a week and it creeps back to nothing again unless I say something all the time. His family all literally stay at home all the time. He never knew anything different.
I think I want to go on holiday alone to get away from the boredom.

Well, do that.

I think the alternate weekends is a good idea, with you deciding/ organising when it's your turn. Then there's really very little for him to 'keep up'. He just has to come along, and he still gets his quiet weekends too.

Do things you want to do without him too. It's not really fair to expect one other person to be the source of fun and happiness in your life, you own that. So do something different with him maybe every couple of weeks, but do other things you like or new things with friends or alone. You won't change him but you need and deserve more happiness in your life. Some of it can come from your marriage but you can look beyond that too.

Feel for you Op. I have someone similar. My plan is to do stuff by and for myself. I'm quite independent so have no problem with that. Kids are nearer flying the nest than not and I need to develop my own interests. I still organise everything in terms of holidays etc. I take the lead and he is happy to follow which I have stopped getting pissed off about.

We have had a big chat. I don't want to be down in the dumps waiting for fun I need to be more proactive. When the weather gets better I am going to suggest beach/ picnics (1 he 20) capital same distance. But now and again. I have cried myself to sleep too many nights that's not helping. Hope to change work hours so I could pick up an evening course. I could book a flight to see family member. I just need to make my own life. He has said himself he has neglected things. I picked and bought my own Christmas present and that's ok but somethings not right. We haven't gone out as a couple in over a year.

Omg I've only been talking to a friend about this exact situation today. I could have written your post. I dread weekends. They are boring and we argue. If we don't argue it's just chores and nothing fun.
If we do go out he only wants to stay for one drink and only talks about our dd.
He's getting worse as he gets older not spontaneous at all!!! I've got lots of thinking to do...