How do you talk to friends about relationship trouble?

[Sarahandduck18]

Things with DP are pretty unpleasant just now. We are both just staying for the kids. We are used to each other rather than in love. I know a break up would be very acrimonious.

Neither is willing to leave so we are stuck.

It’s not nice to be living like this but even more so I feel because none of my friends know.

We look perfect from the outside.

I don’t know how to bring it up with friends that things are this bad.

I can see that it could make them feel awkward in that if they said anything negative about DP but then we reconciled they might regret it.

I don’t have any friends I see often so most communications are by text/ message. So it’s hard to bring up sensitive subjects.

Then when I do have meet ups it feels like I want to be positive and have fun so don’t say anything.

There have been a couple of times I’ve opened up but friends haven’t known what to say. (They know about complex reasons of why I can’t leave)

Don’t even know what I’m asking really.

‘Friends’ - is broader sense - don’t need to know or be informed....
I you want a shoulder to cry on - it could be a best friend. Or someone you feel closest to among the group defines as friends.
Surely - you aren’t close to all of them in the same way...

And sorry. It’s a tough place to be.

What’s the worst that could happen if you did open up to your friends? I only mean that they’re your friends for a reason and hopefully because of that they’re not going to judge you or think that once you’ve said things aren’t great that you should LTB regardless of what you think? I’m sure they’d want you to confide in them if you feel able/want to?

It is hard to vent about marriage even to friends. You don't want them to feel awkward with your dh, however you do need to vent. Feel free to keep talking to us on here that's what mumsnet is for.

Friends are not always helpful because they can be overinvested too. You may actually find it more helpful to keep writing here overall.

What do you mean by this re your friends:-

"They know about complex reasons of why I can’t leave"

I would say to you that no obstacle is ultimately insurmountable; currently you think that this is.

You write that you are both just staying together for the sake of the children. Do not stay in a poor relationship just for the sake of the children. They won't thank you for doing this to them and it will simply teach them that your relationship as a whole was based on a lie. They also pick up on all the vibes, both spoken and unspoken, that the two of you as their parents show each other. Do not think they do not know or notice you and he are this unhappy.

Make a clean break. Better to be apart than to be as badly accompanied as you are now. Also you sound socially isolated too if you are basically communicating with friends by text. How is it you are so isolated here?.

It's very difficult to be the friend in this situation.

I hated my friends XP he was a massive arsehole, but the one time I made a legitimate criticism of him, my friend shut me down and temporarily cut me off

When they later split, she built this narrative around their split that everyone was shocked and had thought they were a perfect couple and that he was wonderful. I had never thought this and even though she agreed with me on everything after he'd gone, she was still visibly put out that not only didn't I currently buy that narrative I never had.

People don't want to be the person who joins in bad mouthing the partner if the friend isn't going to leave because if they reconcile they are the ones who are left out in the cold not the partner now that he's Mr Wonderful again.

You may find that if you do leave your friends start being honest with you and supportive, but currently they don't want to be drawn in into speaking out of turn and have it backfire.

I would love to have been there for my friend, but she didn't want to hear it even after it was over.

Very true and wise words @BartonHollow

I get that- I’ve been that friend- made it known I didn’t like the dp when trouble hit but was in limbo while they dragged out the end of their relationship for years.

We both want to live full time with the dcs that is why neither will leave.

How long will the insurmountable reasons stay insurmountable? Is there a timeline, or do you need certain events to happen?

I ask because I was in such a situation - I had to weather it for two years.