Partner working abroad

[Casper80]

Hey everyone,

This is my first time posting here and I’m pretty desperate for others advice.

I’ve been with my partner for nearly four years. I have two children from a previous relationship, the youngest has only ever know my partner in their life and has no other active parent.

Nearly a year ago my partner was offered the chance to work abroad, it’s a 8 hour flight away. Initially my partner said it would be for a few months, I accepted that as it was a chance to progress in their role and be able to come back to the U.K. and find a higher position and higher pay rate.

A year later and still working abroad, I’ve expressed many times I’m not happpy with this and feel this isn’t the relationship I want but I am so in love. It hurts, I feel like my life is on hold and so many memories are missing my partner being there. Initially due to visas my partner came home every month for a couple of weeks. However in October the visa situation changed and didn’t come back for 3 months. January my partner went back and I’ve no clue when I’ll see them again.

My partner hasn’t even began looking for work back in the U.K. and today spoke about us spending the summer there which indicates even longer of working abroad.

Surely it’s wrong that I can’t even be told when they’ll be back in the U.K. to visit? I always get told I don’t know, work is busy.

Am I right to think this isn’t healthy? 3 months has become at least 18montjs and my feelings are never taking into consideration.

I feel so lost. My partner says they can’t imagine life without me yet I’m the one at home with the kids missing them every day and I can’t even look forward to when we will be reunited.

Any help of thoughts would be really appreciated, please?

I'm sorry. It sounds like you want different things from life right now.

It honestly sounds like they've checked out of your relationship. I couldn't live like that.

You need a conversation about how long the job is for, and whether you want to be together. We can't advise on that. Plenty of people do manage long distance relationships, whereas I moved with my now dh.

I have tried many, many times to get answers, to know exactly how long this is going to last for but I’m always accused of adding pressure. I just want to know where I stand but never given any timescales, like I said Initially it was meant to last 3 months. We’re at a year and I just don’t get answers. I get told a few days before they plan to come back and then told when they’re going. I’ve no clue right now when we will even see each other again! It’s hurtful and I wouldn’t do this to anyone.

It seems like he got used to and is enjoying his single life out there.
While having a safe back up waiting for him back home.

Not sure someone like that can be called a partner any longer. Because he isn’t. Partnership assumes communication and joint decision-making. There isn’t that in your case.

In your place i’d assume he has checked out of the relationship and would be planning to move on.

Long distance relationship only work if both sides put in an effort. And if there is a clear plan for ending up at the same place. And I say that with experience of moving several countries and continents.

I am sorry.

(And that not even mentioning the fact that if a bf didn’t bother to come see me for 3+ months - i’d be assuming he met someone else)

He is giving you answers just not the ones you want to hear. He is essentially saying that he is going to carry on and that your concerns, feelings and opinion do not matter.

I think you should act on this and get on with your life as a single parent. Get your own home and focus on your career and life. Tell your partner you need the security and commitment they no longer give. So it is over, mean it.

I don't like ultimatums, but you might need to set one. Being apart three months at a time would be intolerable for most people, especially when they do come home, it's only for brief stints.

Josuk + LemonTT - Why have you referred to the partner as he?

Honestly I think this relationship has run it's course as you both want different things. I assume you moving overseas isn't an option? The overseas lifestyle can be addictive and some of us set out knowing there's no going back and some others are surprised by how much they prefer it to "life at home". I wouldn't even assume they're loving the single style life. There are numerous reasons why many of us choose to not go back to where we started. Honestly feeling single is the main reason most of my friends and colleagues have returned home - it is hard work. That and elderly parents.

Can you not join him out there?

It sounds like he's enjoying his career and wants to continue which isn't wrong of him. You are only dating and he's obviously happy with the status quo.

If you want more you need to decide if to call it a day or find work out there and join him.

Thank you everyone for your replies.

I think I came here to have my gut feelings justified by others.

I have said that we clearly want different things but I’m pleaded with and made to feel guilty. Same for when I ask when we will see each other, I get such a hard time.

We spoke at the beginning of last year about trying for a baby, yet even that I’m expected to wait for, until they decide to come home to live here.

It’s really just not right is it.

Thank you for your honest replies, I appreciate it xx

I can’t move out there. I have two children both in school, one middle of gcse’s.

We lived together prior to the job abroad.

My biggest factor is the lack of honesty. Anyone can know how long they’re going to work abroad. When they’ll visit the U.K. but I constantly get closed doors when I ask.

It’s a Muslim country and we are two women, it’s illegal. Couldn’t live together there as it’s illegal, couldn’t get a family visa either so really not an option.

I'm sorry. It sounds like an impossible situation for you for many reasons. I wouldn't assume your partner knows how long they will be away - contracts get extended and revoked all the time. But I would assume that as theirs is being extended that they are choosing to stay on- even if they don't know for how long. The not coming back to visit and saying they don't know when they'll be back to visit stinks. That's not fair and that is the part that would really get my goat. That and obviously they are choosing to stay on as long as contracts are being renewed.

I think you need to look after yourself here and call it a day. I'm so sorry.

I understand that side about contracts, when the contract was signed she changed the contract from providing a 3 month notice period to a month so that it is easier to end working there. A couple of factors hurt me the most.

1 the lack of honesty. The years contract ends in March but by talking about us going there for the summer holidays shows she plans to extend the contract.

2 it is a subject that we can never talk about as she gets so annoyed. But I want to know where I stand.

3 she could easily be applying for jobs here and plan interviews and her flights to return for them etc. But she hasn’t even tried to look for work here.

Even if she still visited every month it would be better than the last 3 month of not seeing each other and now I don’t know when she’ll plan to come back. She has no plans that she has shared.

It’s just my feelings are never considered.

I’m constantly told this is to better our lives but I don’t see any benefit. We’ve not done anything that she said the initial 3 months were for such as IVF.

I think you’re right though, this isn’t a relationship, and certainly I never went into our relationship ever considering a long distance one. 3 months working abroad as per initial starting with coming back every month for a week is so different to what it is now and far longer than originally discussed.

I really appreciate others thoughts and not feeling like I am being selfish.