Hi, I’m writing this tonight in absolute despare, I am again feeling at my lowest point and anxiety and guilt have completely taken over me.
I’ve been with my husband for 14 years (4 married) we got together young and I got pregnant when I was 19. Things where very tough from the off, my husband (then boyfriend) wasn’t ready for a child, we was both taken by surprise but I was 5 months pregnant so we decided to keep the baby. After our baby was born he changed. I think he resented me and felt like we was holding him back. He would see all his friends going out and he didn’t as much as them as now he had a family and financially we was on our arse. Anyway over the following 12 years he was pretty mean to me, he would say awful things, but then say he didn’t mean it and apologised. He would often say he didn’t love me, he could do better, or would tell me to pack my stuff and leave after petty arguments. We got married in Mexico, all our family flew out, the night before the wedding we had a petty arguement and he said he wish he wasn’t marrying me... Obviously I was devastated but he apologised once again and said he says things when he’s mad. Now looking back I realise i should of done something more about it and not let it happen but i think it just became normal to me. He was my first boyfriend and I just presumed people do this all the time. He somehow managed to ruin every family holiday and event and would do stupid things like leave me in the middle of nowhere with no money after an arguement or locked me outside our apartment on holiday :-/ .. Now I do realise it was wrong of him to do all that and I probably should of left, but I loved him very much. We also had our daughter , who thankfully never saw all of this or heard the things he said. I can’t really explain why I stayed, I just thought it was acceptable at the time. Anyway fast forward 2 years ago. He was still being an arse to me, (this wasn’t all the time, just every now and then) our daughter has autism and I was really struggling at the time with her needs, I wasn’t coping atall, I decided to do some volunteer work, I met a man who we had an instant connection ( as friends ) over 6 months he would become my safe place, I found myself telling him about arguments we had and what my husband had said to me, he become my comfort blanket, he would make me laugh, hug me when I was sad, tell me I was doing a good job, he just made me feel special like I was worth something, and it’s what I needed, at this point I was so low, everything was getting on top of me and I started to self harm. I felt like crap, worthless and my self esteem was rock bottom, this man picked me back up and made me realise that actually, this is how people should be treated. I’m sure you’ve guessed it from here I ended up falling, I don’t think it was for him, it was for how he treated me and how it and me feel. We would txt all the time, we met up about 5 times, went to the cinemas and nights out and stay at hotels, we never slept together, we did kiss and cuddle though. I decided to end it with my husband, (not for my “friend”) just for the pure fact I had seen the light ( I potentially maybe would of gotten into a relationship after with the “friend” tho. As we did say if I was single we would be good together. Anyway my husband was having none of it and refused to leave the house, this went on for months us being separated but under the same roof, I tried to get another house but found it difficult to find a landlord who would accept housing benefit, meanwhile through all this our daughter hasn’t a clue we wasn’t together, I always have and always will put her needs first, she only needed to know when we had to move out. I have to approach things very differently with her autism and her needs.
After 6 months of still living under the same roof, my husband sat me down, told me how he was sorry and he regrets everything he’s done, said he didn’t mean it and wanted to change, he didn’t want to lose his family, he admitted he had been selfish and nasty towards me over the years. Despite everything I still loved him and would of done anything to make it work, I just wanted to be loved and felt like i mattered.... I decided to cut ties with my “friend” and give my husband the chance to prove he could change, and he did. We had a very tough year with our daughter but managed to get through it as we was finally a team.
I havnt told him about the “friend” he would never forgive me and the marriage would be over.
I know I did wrong, very wrong, and I don’t want anyone reading this to feel like I am justifying what I did by telling you everything he had done, I just want to give you a true picture of how it was. He did wrong and so did I. Just he doesn’t know I’ve done wrong.
But all of a sudden the guilt is eating me up, I know I deserve it, but I can’t think of anything else.
I guess I’m just looking for some advice on how to deal with it, Please don’t tell me to tell him as I really can’t, We are finally in a good place and talking this away from my daughter would be devastating. It’s an extremely slim chance he would ever find out and if he did I would have to deal with it.
I’ve got a lot on taking care of my daughter so I need a clear head. I was thinking of counselling, I really don’t know.
So sorry for the long post x