Im not sure what to do, stay or leave?

[Welshcakes0]

I'm still in the home I once shared with my exh. He left 9 years ago, almost. I have been paying the mortgage alone for the past 5 years. The years previous were interest only, mortgage holidays and a few payments were missed due to him leaving and not supporting me with our dc's. I had to change jobs 3 times, pay childcare etc. It was an awful first 4 years which resulted in arrears and a repossession order being placed on the property. I started studying to become a nurse and was able to keep up the repayments alone. It's been such a struggle as my ex has never helped with childcare or taking our dc's to activities or had any interest in their schooling.
I have managed to pay off arrears by consolidating them on top of the mortgage (wanted to build my credit rating), therefore my payments are higher.
I qualify in 2 months, however can only work part time due to childcare. I'm probably going to be worse off until my dc's are a little older.
I don't have any savings so if anything went wrong here I couldn't pay for it. Needs new windows (damp upstairs), decking outside is dangerous, the bathroom is falling apart, other little jobs that need doing aswell as my dc's needing new beds. I can't remortgage to lessen the payments as he needs to sign and he won't. He demands I sell it. I feel I have no choice as I owe the solicitor so much for the divorce already.
I have the opportunity to move into my mums empty property for a low rent. Meaning I will be off the mortgage ladder but we will have a home.
I just feel scared - like I'm in limbo with no sense of security for me and my dc's. I feel a little upset as I am 41 years old and I have worked so hard to keep the home for us and now I am qualifying, I am letting it go. I feel I have fought so hard financially and mentally and now we are selling - without another secure home to move in to. I know we will have my mums home and we are lucky, it just feels scary. I question if I should keep struggling in this house until my youngest is 18 (11 now) then sell it. He will never sign anything to reduce payments. I will always be liable for the mortgage and repairs. He will never help with childcare so I will only work part time until my dc's are a little older. Or do I move into my mums - but it won't be ours and can't stay there forever (its on a retirement complex and they won't allow children for too long, maybe 6 months to a year). I may not ever be able to buy again but at least we won't struggle - buy new beds, have holidays, just live a little.
I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. It's difficult making such decisions alone.

I don't know - moving to such short term accommodation would worry me tbh - what will you do when you have to leave that?

So sorry you are going through this.

If your youngest is 11 hopefully childcare will reduce soon?

How much equity is in the house? Would he be entitled to any of it?

Wow what a difficult situation,

Would you be in a worse financial position if you sold and then rented somewhere?
6 months is not a long time

thesmallissue thankyou for your message. I'm not sure. My wage will be part time so probably can't borrow too much. That's according to my credit score. It should be better in about a year or so but if I'm off the mortgage ladder, I'm not building it up. Private renting is far too much. I'm really not sure.
Redtartanshoes - thankyou for your message. Yes, it will in a few years. My youngest starts comprehensive school in September. Healthcare hours are early starts and late finishes so to start with I will need childcare. There is approximately 70,000 equity and he is saying he will take 30%. I have about 10k in debts to pay so will be left with about 40k. Houses are around 225k where I am. My income will be around 15k to start with. When he left it was negative equity but it will cost me to take this further, I have already tried and I just can't afford to put anything else on my credit card.

Does he pay child mainstream?

DewDropsonKittens thankyou for your message. Rent is far more than my mortgage. I pay 750 a month. Rent is 850/900.

DewDropsonKittens - yes he does pay maintenance.

If you move into your mum's place you will end up paying private rent in approx. 6 months. Sounds like you'd be better staying where you are and putting £150pcm (that you'd be have to find for private rent) towards buying beds/ making the essential repairs your house needs and staying on the property ladder until you are in a better earning position for a new mortgage.

Sounds like you’ve done really well to get through the last few years financially.

What is the legal position, can your ex legally force you to sell the house?

Agree with PP about the high costs and potential disruption of renting. If you sell will you have enough equity to buy again in the future?

Suggest doing some written analysis of your housing options, costs etc, looking 1, 3 and 5 years ahead.

Will you actually need much childcare after September when your youngest is secondary age? Could youngest DC get themself to school of a morning and the older DC be home at a reasonable time when you have late shifts?

What do you mean it’ll cost you to “take this further”? If your ex wants to force you to sell and to have a certain % of the equity he would presumably need to go to court. Have you had legal advice that he’d win?

Could your mum lend you some money to pay him off? Then you could remortgage?

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Your head must be absolutely battered! You have already been through so much and yet you still have such difficult decisions to make.

Moving to your mums for 6 months is not going to give you any stability. Yes your bills will be lower etc but you will still need to find somewhere to live.

You said that he left 9 years ago and that you've been paying the mortgage on your own for 5 years? Surely in a split of equity then legally that would all be taken into account? Don't just take it that he's right re the equity split. Get some legal advice. If you're the main carer then that also changes the split.

Look into getting a mortgage and what you could be entitled to. Tax credits are taking into account by many lenders.

If you were to sell and rent somewhere, would you be entitled to some sort of housing benefit?

I have been, and still am in a similar situation of remaining in the family home and paying everything myself. I decided that even though things were tight financially that I'm better off here for the time being.
I know fear can rule us and we end up making difficult choices based on fear. I know it's a cliche but make a list of pros and cons, work out finances staying out vs finances moving.

Really do your research and play with numbers for each scenario before you make any leaps.

Cheetahssitonfajitas - thankyou for your message. It's alot more than 150 to repair windows. Also, I can't afford an extra 150, I can barely afford 750.
Loopytiles - thankyou for your message and yes, it's been hard but I have, thankyou. He can't force me to move until my youngest is 18, however he will always have a say in the mortgage. He won't sign to remortgage to lessen payments. I asked him recently and he said no sell it. As the house gets older, the more the repairs as I'm noticing more now. I will leave home at 6am and return around 10 (2 long days), unless I find another job that does short shifts but they're still early starts and then more days which requires more time not at home. Too early for them to be alone. I am hoping a 9- 5 will come up but as a newly qualified its going to be difficult to find. I will have about 40k so I will have a deposit, it just depends how much I can borrow alone. That's if I can. My credit rating is poor but alot of people have financial difficulties and buy again. It's just not knowing is the worry.
Whocansay thankyou for your message. My mum doesn't have that kind of money. I don't think she would if she did. I even asked my mortgage company if I could remortgage to buy him out and they said I won't earn enough and also they mentioned my credit rating. I even asked my ex if he could just sign so I can reduce the mortgage payments for about a year then sell as I will be in a better position. He won't. He wants his equity even if it means his dc's not living in their home.

I wouldn’t give up the house. Let him take you to court if he wants anything. Hopdeully by the time your youngest is 18 you’ll be in a position to get a shit hot lawyer and demonstrate that as you’ve paid the mortgage for 15+ years he’s entitled to very little.

I’d really try and do without childcare if you could. I say this as the single parent of an 11 year old.

Keep looking for better jobs. In the 7 years since ex-h left I’ve gone for £16k to £45k. It’s been hard, I haven’t been at very spirts day or Christmas play but we are starting to se the light at the end of the tunnel. It’s hard, I know this but it’s so worth it:

Can you take on more work? Agency or home work or something part time?

Happyinheels thankyou for your message. Yes, it always feels like a battle. Even now almost qualifying, it's going to be hard. Yes, the 5 years I have been paying alone would be taken into account and the solicitor advised a 60/40 split. However he has offered a 70/30 so it would work out the same. My mortgage company said I could lend 116k on a full time nurse wage. I'm going to be part time until dc's are a little older. I spoke to a mortgage advisor also, he said my credit score doesn't look good and advised me to stay on the ladder for a further 10 months and there is a company that lends on a help to buy scheme. I then contacted the help to buy scheme and it's only on new builds so depends on when and where they're building and they only accept 2 certain mortgage companies, one of which I'm with now. So no certainty there either. I am thinking I won't know until I actually apply. If I do as the mortgage advisor says. My ex will not be happy and he will want 40% then it's more solicitor fees to prove I have been paying alone etc. That's if he even agrees to cooperate. My next step would be taking him to court then in 10 months time. He just won't and can't communicate amicably. It's his way or no way. He won't sign the divorce papers unless I sell. Yes still married, unfortunately. I know I can divorce him but I cant force him to sign anything regarding finances apparently. My solicitor said I would have to take him to court. Such a long story, sorry if I'm confusing.

Are you sure he can’t force you to move until the dc are 18? Check that out with a solicitor as it is not a given any more. My divorce settlement reached court and the judge ordered the sale of my home as ex wanted the equity. I had two small dc.

Cheetahssitonfajitas - thankyou for your message. It's alot more than 150 to repair windows. Also, I can't afford an extra 150, I can barely afford 750.
What I meant was save that until you have the necessary amount. If you can't genuinely save that or afford 900 then renting is not an option. So don't move into your mum's otherwise what will you do in 6 months? You have recognised you can't get a mortgage based on what you will be earning for the next 12 months. So - you need to stay put until your earnings go up and make the best of it that you can. Ignorw what can possibly be ignored. My house is riddled with damp. My sink broke 6 months ago so we just have the bath tub. All our windows need doing. But we can't afford it now so it will have to wait. But it's a safe place to lay our heads at least! I'm trying to save and earn more to address these issues over the next few years.

Redtartanshoes thankyou for your message. Part of me thinks I should stay and then finalise everything in 7 years. I don't want to be married to him though. I could divorce and sort finances later? He will get more equity then as the house will be worth more and I will have paid more capital. I worry about the repairs etc. I want to take dc's on holiday and buy new beds. He holidays twice a year and has never taken our dc's. Wow! That's great. I will never earn that much. I can barely find childcare now so couldn't possibly do more hours. If I could I so would.

Variousartists oh gosh really?! I have always been told he can't. My solicitor has said the same.
Cheetahssitonfajitas yes, you are right. We are lucky compared to many. Thankyou. If I disagree a sale now he is going to be more difficult but yes, you are right. It sounds like you are doing great.

Ive no experience of this and really feel for you, however, my gut instinct is that you should try to hang onto your house.
Private renting down the line is more expensive so even harder to afford. Look into a DIY divorce - you are clearly an intelligent woman so you could get the ball rolling. Good luck & ((((hugs)))).

Notwiththeseknees thankyou for your message. Thankyou for ypur kind words. I appreciate your thoughts.

Like everyone else, I think that trying to hang onto the house is the way to go.

Once you are qualified then all sorts of fields of nursing open up to you - community nursing? Theatre nursing?

Or could you try to pick up some other type of work within school hours on your days off? Care home work perhaps. Just to boost your income.

I know you might not want to, but consider asking around if anyone with DIY skills can help you mend your decking. Offer to trade a skill. You might be able to get timber at low cost or free on a local buy/sell site.

I would agree hold on to the house, if you sell the home and have equity you will ave no access to any government financial help until that is spent ( at least until the bulk of the equity is gone) .

Could you look at remortagaging your share of the home? I think my sister did something along those lines but she was divorced. I would action the divorce otherwise he is potentially your next of kin, have you changed your will to ensure he does not inherit from you?

MaybeDoctor thankyou for your message. Yes, I'm hoping a post comes up tgat fits. I qualify in March and my bursary stops so the pressure is to start work asap. The post I have is early start, late finish. That would be a positive moving, not having to take that post. Yes, once I have some spare cash, I will try to. I don't ever seem to have any. Thankyou, I will work out my financial situation when I know exactly what my income will be.
MoreHairyThanScary thankyou for your message. That's true. I haven't heard of that. I wish my mortgage company could help me a little more, it seems unfair. I don't have a will. I just feel so out of control with this as the solicitor is charging me for every phone call, letter and email. I'm scared to even contact her.