Chemistry, spark - what's 'normal'? - Looking for sense of perspective

[WillWorkForFood]

I'll start by acknowledging that I understand that there's no such thing as normal, but I do maintain that has to be 'average' or 'common' or 'typical', and it is this I'm looking to explore to see if I have unrealistic expectations from my marriage dynamic.

I support and endorse the concept that sex and sexuality is what separates a marriage/partnership from a friendship or house mate dynamic.

I'm looking to see what is usual from a spark and sexual chemistry perspective outside of the bedroom in a typical, average, long term relationship?

Where a couple have a healthy and happy sexual relationship in the bedroom, what does life look like outside the bedroom? Where, what and how does the spark / chemistry present in daily life?

I ask as I feel, and have done for a long time that we effectively live as friends and that from the moment we get up in the morning to the moment the light goes out at night, there is nothing going on that wouldn't occur should you be living with a friend or family member.

There's no sexual contact, no flirting, no cheeky look, no innuendo, no flirty texts, no messages, no suggestion, no anticipation, no anything other than what shall we have for dinner, we need more milk, what time will you be home etc....

There is affection, hugs, normal non sexual kisses etc, but nothing that demonstrates sexuality, desire, libido, urge, excitement, fun, looking forward to later etc.

AIBU for being dissatisfied with this state of affairs and that something is missing, or am I living in an idealistic fantasy?

We do have a very modest and vanilla sex life, confined to the bedroom, but it is far from passionate, kind of linked to the above.

Been married 15 years, two, pre-teens, fairly standard life with the usual ups and downs to contend with like everyone else.

I've tried sending naughty or suggestive messages, or hinting at things I'd like to do, but get nothing back, no response or reciprocation.

Typical or a sign of problems?

Unrealistic expectations?

Are you good at sex?
How much have you invested in getting to know what your partner is turned on by?
Do you feel your partner knows you well and accepts you exactly as you are?
Do you love your partner just as they are?
How safe do you feel with your partner, and they with you?

Was there ever a time when the sex felt urgent and longed for?

My partner and I are very sexual and my ex and I were also very sexual. But my drive is high and I only have relationships with men who are pervs basically (because I am one too). Horses for courses etc.

I'd say probably the majority of couples aren't that sexual day to day. What you describe is pretty normal, bit that doesn't mean it's good for you / how it has to be for you.

But you do have a sex life, so you aren't 'housemates'. You appear to be unhappy that it's 'vanilla', however, which I assume means you want more sex and more exciting sex than you're having, but that is an entirely separate issue.

Have you talked to your partner about this? I have a high libido and enjoy sex, and I would find the expectation of 'cheeky looks' and 'naughty texts' repellently Benny Hill.

Another question. If your partner is female: how good are you at making her orgasm? What's the ratio of her orgasms to yours?

Sometimes DH looks at me and I just know he's dying to rip my knickers off there and then.

Been together nearly 30 years.

Havent had sex in years love him very much whem hes not being a pain. Just have no sex drive and cant think of anything worse

@rvby Thanks for your reply, in response to your questions,

My partner doesn't have any complaints and is happy with things.

I've bent over backwards over the years trying to find what out what is a turn on with very little in the way of feedback, beyond very basic generic stuff that we already do.

I believe I am accepted the way I am and don;t hear any complaints outside of our expectations surrounding this issue.

I love my partner irrespective of this issue, but that doesn't stop this issue being a big problem for me which is making me unhappy, but doesn't change my level of love.

We both feel very safe together.

No, the sex has never felt urgent and longer for, however this is the part I crave the most - to feel wanted, needed, desired, fancied - just some kind of evidence I am on the sexual radar beyond the occasions we have sex.

As this isn't the sex board I'll be brief, orgasm achievement is seldom an issue and hasn't been an issue for a long time whilst this problem has existed, with a near equal ratio each way. Only more recently due to me voicing my dissatisfaction with the sexual side of our relationship has the sexual side fallen off a cliff, so now, yes, it is a problem, but wasn't for a long time. Damned if you don't damned if you do.

Yes we have talked about it endlessly without finding a solution. Partner's libido has decreased consistently over the last 10 years+ to where it is now non existent, hence it's like living with a flat mate, apart from the odd unsatisfactory sex session that now is such an issue it feels awkward, so neither of us enjoy it, so we've given up until we find a solution. The lack of any kind of chemistry or spark means that in the bedroom, beyond a friendly snuggle, there's just no sexual energy, interest or, well, spark, hence it feels weird.

It feels like that because there is zero sexuality between us at any point, when it comes to the bedroom, the engine is cold and won't start. There's been no build up, no anticipation, no looking forward, no hint of any flirting or anything that would indicate there is any interest.

This is what feels wrong and what I'm trying to assess whether it's a problem or normal.

For those that do have a contented regular sex life, how does the sexuality, chemistry and spark manifest itself between you both outside of the bedroom?

I feel we have a problem and the current status is not normal, DP doesn't think there's a problem.

If it is normal to live like flatmates outside of the bedroom, with no fun or excitement of a sexual nature (ever), how do you go from 0-100 straight away.

It's eating away at me and causing resentment, so when we do get to bed, I'm already frustrated and disappointed with the state of affairs before we even start, not that we do anymore.

And before anyone asks - both fit, healthy, good hygiene, body mass etc.

You’ve been together 15 years. I would say it’s normal for sex to go off the boil in long term relationships. I can only maintain the spark and the passion for about two years max. I’m sure there will be other posters who will disagree but that is my experience.

If he doesn’t want to change anything I don’t see there is a lot you can do. You have tried sexy messages etc but if he’s not interested that makes you feel stupid.

But you say yourself your partner only stopped enjoying the sex you were having after you voiced your dissatisfaction with it— which is hardly surprising, as feeling resented and unappreciated and told you’re not doing things the right way is deeply unsexy.

You do sound incredibly angry and resentful, as you say yourself, which is counter-productive, and it’s still not entirely clear to me what you want from her. I honestly don’t think most couples regularly send one another suggestive texts at work — when I’m at work I literally never think of my DH or DS, as I am on work mode.

I appreciate sex goes off the boil, but to flat line?

What do I want from my partner? To feel fancied, wanted, sexually important outside the bedroom.

All I can do is reference previous relationships where DPs would do and say things when we're together every now and then that kept things going, kept things fun and interesting, demonstrated sexuality, initiating, being a little bit sexy from time to time.

I miss that terribly and feel board, unwanted and undesired.

I appreciate me voicing my opinion has made things far worse, but what else are you supposed to do other than communicate which is what everyone advises. I started subtle and gradually became more and more direct and specific hoping the penny would drop. it has, along with what little sex life we had.

But I had to say something because I was no longer enjoying sex - it felt awkward and mechanical because there was no spark or chemistry.

I am resentful, yes as it's been like this for far too long and life is passing me by.

Did you ever have a thrilling sex live or has he always been a bit staid?

Sex life sorry.

How is the rest of the relationship? I am assuming that she does the majority of the ‘wife work’ and works part time, and you work full time?

Are you a guy or a woman OP? It shouldn’t make much difference but it can because the ‘cures/solutions ’ may be different .

@WillWorkForFood

See, you talk about what is 'normal'... but the norm in terms of number and quality of sexual encounters, doesn't translate to you being entitled to that norm.

Norm =/= entitlement.
Sexuality is so individual, not only between human being, but between couples. Chemistry isnt something that can be negotiated.

You say your partner and you have never had strong, rip clothes off sexual energy, is that a fair paraphrase?

If that is the case, then wanting better, more intense chemistry after 15 years together is truly not realistic, it verges on foolish tbh.

Almost without exception, sexual energy tails off over the course of a relationship, particularly when one lives with ones partner. It can't be helped really.

The fact that you two started out not too strong in the sex department means that you are starting behind the curve, so to speak. It's really really unlikely that anything will change between you, except perhaps to worsen.

You could try sex therapy?
That would be a last ditch effort imo.

I select for perviness because of the situation you describe. My partner and I have sex multiple times a day after a few years in. I expect that 20 years from now that will decrease to a few times a week which I can live with. I couldn't live as you describe and would never carry on with a man who didnt want to rip my clothes off 24/7.

Sounds like you two pootled along at the beginning, you seemed ok with it then, and now that sex is naturally tailing off a bit, you want your partner to somehow force themselves to want more sex? Like i said... not really a sensible expectation... you are not entitled to sexual contact. Accept your partner as they are, or set them free to with someone who loves and accepts them as they are.

Perhaps you want to know whether your partners sex drive is normal, because you want to know whether it is ok to be dissatisfied?

It is ok to be dissatisfied.

But the cure for your dissatisfaction will not, and can never, be to tell your partner they aren't normal and that you require them to want to have more sex.

The cure will be either accepting your partner as they are (and possibly pursuing other sexual avenues outside the marriage), or ending the relationship and moving on with a possible future partner whose drive matches your requirements.

Hmm. Unfortunately I do agree that if the passion was never there, it is unrealistic to think it will ‘appear’ - you may need to change the way you look at this.

The tricky thing about you mentioning to your partner is that you were blowing your sexual situation apart, but with no ways of reconstructing it into something better, especially if you can’t try to go back to ‘how things were’ because there wasn’t this point in time. Also, pressure is a massive passion killer.

Have you thought about going to a psychosexual counsellor or sonething? Worth a go? I’d also say that if you want your partner to feel sexy, you need to focus on making them feel as good and fanciable as possible.