I dismissed him due to my insecurity. Should I reach out

[Autumntimes]

I was seeing this guy for a month. Curiosity got the best of me and I looked at his social media. Found out he had broken up with his ex of 8 years (they lived together) just 4 months before we met. He later on confirmed this.

We had a lot of fun. His perosonality and mine were the same - silly, laugh about anything, like to explore the world and try new things, we have the same sense of humour. Both of us are independent and not into too many texting. However, I’ve been avoidant and single for quite a few years now. I withdraw easily as I’m scared of getting hurt. I find it really hard to take a risk and actually invest in someone due to my own fear.

He went away last week. I didn’t ask exactly when he’ll be back but knowing he might be away for around 3 weeks. Before he left we met up and spent an amazing weekend together. After that I just feel a rush of fear and that I want to withdraw because I’m scared of how much I like him. Coupled with what was causing me to feel insecure above, I felt that I should just stay away from him when he’s away.

I suggested that I’ll be busy and we’ll talk when he’s back. He’s not replied to me since and that was 8 days ago. Everyone has been saying they wouldn’t reply either if they were him. I’ve been thinking to message him in a week or so when work is less mad. I’m more worried about me feeling insecure again if we pick up from where we left off than him not replying ever again.

I just feel confused knowing a text is not a big deal. I just wonder if I made a mistake or if it’s the right thing reaching out to him knowing I feel insecure about things.

I’d like to point out so far he’s not done anything to make me feel insecure. It was really just me.

I don't understand - you said you'll be busy while he's away and you should talk when he's back? I can't see anything that's wrong with that? Or am I missing something?

@toffeeapple123 cos he never told me when exactly he’ll be back. Didn’t even reply to that message with even a “yeah sure let’s catch up when I’m back on xx/xx”. We were flirting over text right before I dropped that “bomb” cos I felt .. scared. I’m just not sure if he will ever reach out again ..

If I was going away for 3 weeks and the person I was dating told me they would be too busy to stay in touch, I'd assume they weren't interested tbh

Hmmm I think it's a red flag. You were flirting before, you obviously showed interest, he could have at least responded.

So what if you're busy while he's away? He's away! TBH most men are crap at staying in touch anyway.

I don't think you have anything to lose by reaching out again, even with a simple "hey, how's it going" and if you guys continue seeing each other, just see how it goes.

And continue to date others! Don't let all your focus be on this one guy.

If I were you I'd send a message.
He might be feeling hurt that you didn't want to stay in touch while he was away. I would be if someone said they were going to be too busy to even text me in that situation. He might think you were giving him the brush off and would assume that 'we will talk when you are back' is code for 'I'll be dumping you when you get back' but I am an over thinker!

You can't know what he's thinking, but a breezy 'how are you doing?' message night restart the conversation and you'll see where you are then.

I also don't think that 'most men are crap at staying in touch anyway' I haven't dated anyone who struggles with at least a daily phone call or message.

This doesn't mean he's not interested. You basically told him you wouldn't be in touch for a couple of weeks.

You've only been dating for a very short time. You don't know him well enough to read anything at all into what he's thinking.

You should certainly reach out to him again OP! I agree with previous poster that he probably thinks your not interested with you saying you were busy whilst he was away and that you'd chat when he's back.
I know it's not nice to get hurt, but it's a risk we all gotta take at the start of a relationship.
So I say go for it, send him another message, if he doesn't reply, at least you'll know, as hurtful as it is!
Good luck!

I honestly don't think that would put off a very keen man.

Yeah so far I have from my friends and online: 1) drop the girl 2) not reply until back in town 3) continue to message (from my guy friends who I know for a fact have insecurity issues tho)

I’ll certainly drop him a message next week when I don’t have to work 14 hour days anymore! I’ve not done this double texting thing (even in this situation) but don’t mind it. Just nervous 😟

@toffeeapple123 I used to think that too but ultimately I think there’s a huge difference between being interested and being invested. If you’re merely interested but not invested, you are less likely to deal with the other person’s BS and see if you can work on it. In my case, we only known each other for a month, he’s most likely interested but not invested enough to put up with my behaviour (even know I didn’t do it to play games or to dismiss him I genuinely did feel scared and also stressed at work at the same time). It was not his business to deal with I guess

Honestly, I say this with kindness, also because I am a lot like you in terms of anxiety, over thinking etc. Stop blaming yourself. He didn't even reply to your message or say when he'll be back.

I don't think that one single message would put any guy off if he's really into a woman and things had been going well.

My gut feeling is that he's not majorly invested anyway because it's only been a month. He's either not that into you or genuinely think he took your message to literally mean to not talk until you're back.

If you're worried you may have come across as cold, just shoot him another message.

But please take the pressure off yourself and date others in the meantime. See what else is out there. We tend to put all our eggs in one basket and that's why we become so attached to one individual even before the exclusivity chat.

What you said to him sounded like the brush-off, to me. I wouldn't be getting in touch if I was him.

I’ll mentally prep myself for him not replying before I send the message ...

Update: I messaged him and that was nearly 24 hours ago. No reply. Kinda expected that? Just had a big argument with my friend and he asked me not to talk to him again and stormed off my house. I had a good cry about both things and was just taking in the pain. Hopefully next time I won’t get scared and dismiss a guy out of nowhere to protect myself again.

Its abit shit he's not replied, but at least you know you tried. I'd leave the ball in his court now, see if he gets in touch when he's home.
In the meantime be kind to yourself. Hugs to you.

I’m not seeing what you did that was so bad.

Sounds like your friends are a bit crap or are they a bit fed up of all the over thinking you do ?