No idea what to do... pregnant with unfaithful husband

[Justcallmemumma]

This is going to be a long one sorry! I have been married to my partner for almost 7 years and we have a 1 year old son together and I am currently 5 months pregnant. About 5 or 6 years ago we moved in with my mum to save money for a house however while living there found out that we would need fertility treatment to conceive. During this time I became suspicious of my husbands behavior and looked at his phone (that he never usually left out of his sight) one day while he was in the shower and found messages to escorts enquirinh about their services and asking to make appointments and chatting with girls on adult sights. When I confronted my husband he told me he has been so bored and feels trapped as he had lost his license and my mums house is not near public transport and it was just a way to pass his time. He told me he had never actually done anything and just messaged and chatted for a thrill. He also basically told me He felt he had no other release as our sex life had not been as active since we moved in with my mum and he needed a release, even though for most of our relationship he has had a minimal sexual drive and I am always the one wanting to have sex while he just wants to go to sleep. I took his word for it and a few months later we moved out despite not reaching our savings goals to concentrate on having a baby. About a year later while we were actively trying for a baby the exact same thing happened again, however the excuses were that he feels like we have no excitement anymore as we only have sex to get pregnant. Again I stupidly forgave him and about a year later and spending pretty much everything we had on fertility treatment I got pregnant and we had a baby boy. My son is now 17 months old and I am 5 months pregnant and the same thing has just happened again except this time he blamed me and said he feels like it’s his only way to release the anger and hate he builds up because of the way I treat him because I am always short with him. I know I treat him this way often and I try so hard not to but I had so much built up anger towards him from over the years I find it hard not to snap and be short. After trying to talk to him about it he has told me that he has slept with an escort at least one and has gone to see different escorts on a semi regular basis for around 4 years now. I am literally heart broken and never in a million years did I think he would actually sleep with one, I stupidly thought he was just texting for the thrill of it. He told me last week that one of the things that annoys him most about me is that any time he shows me affection it leads to sex and that’s why he just doesn’t show me affection most of the time because he doesn’t want to have to have sex with me all the time. I just don’t know where my head is at and I’m trying to process everything that is happening and decided what my next step should be. I love my husband more than anything and he claims he loves me and he needs help and if I truly loved him I would help him and not leave him. I should add that last time this happened I wanted to go to counseling and he would only go by himself, not together and even then he only went to a few sessions. Now he is telling me I should have tried harder to go with him back then because it was obvious he needed help and I neglected him. He is an amazing father and my son adores him. I haven’t been able to look at him or talk to him for days and the thought of him touching me ever again almost makes me physically sick. I also torn what to do as the thought of being a single mum and raising 2 kids on my own terrifies me and I don’t want to be responsible for my kids not having the life they deserve with both parents. However I just don’t think I can get past this and ever trust him again. Over the last few years I have only worked casually while not on maternity leave as I am also studying so he is supporting the whole family and we have struggled massively financially since undergoing fertility treatment and live week to week with minimal money left at the end of each week. The fact that he is spending money we don’t have on escorts while there are things that we need as a family and bills that are going unpaid is what upsets me the most. I truly don’t know if I am more angry that he has done this to me or to our son and unborn child. My head is truly all over the place and I desperately need some guidance as I can’t talk to any of my family or friends.

Reading this infuriated you.

He lost his license. For medical reasons? If not....tough fucking titties he obviously did something idiotic to lose it. You don't start messaging escorts because you're bored because you can't go and do the weekly shop or whatever. Bizarre excuse.

Now it's your fault he slept with escorts over an extended period because you were making him have sex too much (??) And not being affectionate. So he went and fucked a sex worker....? He didn't go to a sex worker for affection. It makes no sense.

Don't let him turn this on you.

However much you may not have been the perfect partner you were loyal , never put his health at risk (sleeping with multiple partners), and were willing to attend counselling to work on things. He wasn't. You didn't lie for 4 years. He did. If he was so miserable he should have sorted it with you at the time or agreed to end things. At least let you know it wasn't the time for a 2nd child!

Sorry that's so unconstructive it's just infuriating reading and I don't want you to be tricked into accepting this "fault" as yours.

I just want to send you kisses and hugs. Don't rush anything. You don't have to make a decision now. You can sleep in different rooms and make a decision when you are ready

Look - this guy has been clearly showing you who he is, really from the very beginning.

For whatever reason, you've ignored what hes been showing you. You've focused on his words (even when they contradict his actions). Now even his words are telling you what you want to ignore. Hes literally told you he hates you OP. There is no way that your DC will grow up in one piece emotionally when daddy is telling mummy he hates her.

You can keep ignoring, or you can open your eyes for your children's sake. This relationship needs to end. There is nothing for you here - there never was anything, but you chose not to see that. I'm really sorry.

So sorry OP. Please get STD tested and get him to as well (if you plan on sleeping with him again).

I'm not really sure why you continued and got pregnant by this loser not just once but twice??

Clearly in his mind he has a green light to continue doing this, as you seem willing so accept any old shit that falls from his mouth, and walk around with your eyes shut.

You have two choices here....

1.Accept that he will continue to shag hookers and crack on

1. End the marriage and save the last shreds of your self respect and potential future happiness.

I know which one I would choose, spoiler alert it's not number one!

Would your mum take you back in until you got on your feet?

OP, he's a punter and despite frequent crises over being caught out, has never stopped. Unless you can see yourself being happy with his habits, you need to end the relationship.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

He's not a good father - he is a grubby little scumbag who lies, cheats and takes no responsibility for his actions. It's vile and you should run, as fast and as far as you can so his nasty personality doesn't rub off on his kids. Please have some self respect and get out of there, there is nothing to save, there can be no way back from this, it's so sad (in every sense of the word).

Also make sure your STD checks are up to date before the birth.

Good luck & please listen to everyone who will tell you similar - nobody should have to put up with that shit and he does not deserve a second more of your time or energy and he absolutely does not deserve a family.

It strikes me that after all the all the awful things he’s done to you and your family, every single time he’s been caught it’s somehow been your fault according to him. How convenient for him.

As a pp said, he’s been showing you all along who he really is - what’s it going to take for you to believe him?

He has put your health at risk, your unborn child’s health at risk, has used family money you can’t spare on hookers (and lets not even get in to the fact we don’t know how desperate these women’s situations might be) and clearly doesn’t have a shred of remorse nor any respect for you.

I know you’re worried about your kids not growing up in a nuclear family but surely letting your children grow up around this dynamic is going to do more harm?

What a disgusting man. And blaming you for the lying and cheating? You can't sink any lower.

He lied to you earlier and said he was merely messaging for the thrill? Now it's been 4 years of escorts. You can't trust a word coming out of his mouth.

Get an STD test.

Kick him to the curb.

Go back to your mother, surround yourself with a strong network.

Keep your head held high and walk away from this piece of trash.

Let's stop saying escorts. They're prostitutes. Your husband has sex with prostitutes. He pays for sex rather than have it with you, even though you're willing.

Sorry to be blunt, but he is treating you so appallingly, and you don't seem anywhere close to walking away. What would be have to do for you to leave?

He hasn't even shown any remorse. He will never change.

Your marriage has been over for a very long time. You just haven't allowed yourself to admit it.

I'm not seeing a single reason to continue in the marriage.

You deserve better than a man who uses prostitutes.

He's addicted to paying for sex isn't he?

Throw him out, tell all your friends and family why so you don't get any crap about think of the children. Call your midwife and tell her. Get to the GUM clinic for all tests on Monday and talk to your gp about whether your toddler also needs tests. He was doubtless shagging sex workers when you got pregnant the first time. He's put both your children at risk as well as you.

I wouldn't even be able to look at him

OP, this is a devastating time for you, but deep down I think you probably know this could never work long time and you deserve far better than this.

As a practical step, go and get a free half hour from a family lawyer to find out what maintenance /settlement you would be entitled to if you did decide to separate. Don't tell DH you are doing this, it's just finding our options you don't have to commit to anything.

In my experience people who cheat on more than one occasion are generally incapable of change, if you stay I don't possibly see that you could trust him again.

I am a single mother with a young child following on from a cheating partner. It will be hard but you can do it and ultimately you will emerge happier and more fulfilled than living with someone who does not respect you.

Your children will benefit from being in a house free from conflict and can still see your DH regularly.

Oh and when your baby is born and you are able to exercise again, do something for you, it's so good for your mental health - I'm sure running got me through my separation.

Good luck OP, remember this is your life, you only get one go and you deserve to be happy x