He's left. How do I best protect myself?

[brokeninsideandscared]

Not in a violent way. But what do I do to safeguard my life/kids/money/dignity (tbf that's pretty much all gone!)

How do I tell people? The kids? How does he move out when he had nothing/no money.

Do I change the locks?

Why do I feel guilty? He's the one who cheated. And lied when he said he wanted to try to make it work.

And why do I want to destroy the OW. I have so much rage.

There's no one way for example I waited to tell people me and exh had split. Til I got my head around it. But some people want to get it out there.

Alot of your other questions depend on lots of things. Are you married, if not is the house in joint names, do you have your own income.

Dignity it's a hard one. I wasn't cheated on. He abused me. So I can't give personal experience. But I would say by always keeping calm, don't do the pick me dance, don't take him back, don't rage at her (though i get why you would want to). While he is around just try and cut off your emotions. Don't let him get to you. Rage on your own, to close friends, on here. If you do, you may feel better for a bit, but then you will probably feel shit.

I am sorry you are going through this.

On a practical level, see a solicitor soon. That can help you clarify and come to terms.

Re telling people - after the children had been told, I emailed a few close friends and then let word spread. I also told my boss via email.

Don't change the locks without legal advice, doing so could land you in hot water.

Don't rage or seek revenge. Be better than him. Be businesslike.

Thank you. I won't rage. I'm more patient and evil than that (joking).

Married, kids, partner in business (though I don't have much to do with it and it's not hugely profitable). I'm main wage earner and have a full time job that requires lots of extra work.

He usually does all school runs, clubs and kids stuff. No idea how I'm going to manage it all.

I can't eat anything. Barely eaten in 3 weeks since this first reared it's head but not eaten anything for a couple of days. Just can't stomach it. Good job I'm a fatty so my body can live off itself!

@brokeninsideandscared go see a solicitor quick. Many offer a free first consultation and it really helped me get my head round what, in the eyes of the law, I was 'entitled' to
My situation was different, it was my decision to split as in my opinion we'd grown apart so there was no blame as such and once he'd accepted this, we did come to an amicable decision and just sorted things between us.
I do remember my solicitor saying though that the earnings themselves mean very little and things often go in the favour of the primary carer for the children so you really need to get advice ASAP

I told those that needed to know fairly soon ie parents. close friends, dd's teacher. Everyone else as it cropped up. Legally you're not supposed to change the locks but I wish I had. Ex was letting himself in when he knew the house was empty, I found out that he'd put a key logger on the computer.
Keep records.
Don't get mad at the ow. he made choices!
Start new traditions with your children, ours was films on a Sunday afternoon with jam sandwiches.
Plan things to look forward to
Be kind to yourself it gets better,

Sorry to hear this OP. You will get through it and have a better life. Don’t waste time on the OW, he is most likely using her as his excuse to walk away from his responsibilities. Let her pick up his slack and keep him fed and watered, he will jump ship once he gets his share of the money.

Practical things, with money the priority is liquid cash. Take at least 50% out of any accounts that have easy access including the current account. Make sure other savings accounts are protected. Tell him you have done this and explain that you need it for bills but understand he has immediate financial needs as well. Offer to have a sit down to work this out in a way that works for both of you.

NB whilst it might be tempting to clear out accounts, if you rely on his income then it could be counterproductive. Moneys going to be tight for both of you and if he stops supporting the family home you could be in trouble.

If you have a mortgage speak to you lender and maybe ask to go interest only until you sort out the settlement or for fixed period. If it is in anyway possible work together in the interests of the children to make finances work in the short term. Offer mediation and make an appointment.

Check your benefit entitlements, change council tax to single person, cancel sky sports, and so on. Start listing your assets and then evidencing them or documenting them. Think of the best person to recommend a good local solicitor who has good experience of the local courts and who specialises in divorce.

Get real life support from people who have you and the children’s best interests at heart. Go for friends and family who will give you positive emotional support and practical help. Because you have children it’s not a good idea to feed the bitterness and acrimony too much. At the end of the day he will be in their lives and your life for a long time. Plus it really doesn’t help. You are better than that and you are better than him.

I suggest you tell the children together and that you agree what you both want to tell them. They don’t need to be stuck in a war or have the local community gossiping about the situation, so imo discretion with them and others is a good thing.

Cross post, just seen you are the main earner. In which case, ensure you have good evidence of your role as a primary carer and the cost to you. Share care as you have always done and in the interests of the children but don’t increase any reliance on him.

Secure all savings and cash. Then ask him if he needs help.

As you're the main earner and he does a lot of the child care do go see a solicitor ASAP. Far better you agree between you the way forward, but if it ended in family court shared care likely, ie 50/50. Not sure on finances as I was not married but suspect you'll be paying him maintenance.

ensure you have good evidence of your role as a primary carer and the cost to you.

But she isn't. If a poster posted that she was the main carer and her husband was trying to prove he was so that he wouldn't have to pay maintenance everyone would be calling the husband a wanker.

It's shit he cheated. But that fact doesn't make a difference in divorce or what's best for the kids.

Sorry to hear this op

Telling everyone... tell those who matter, friends/family that you are close to. Tell them the truth. Don’t protect him

Tell your manager at work. Could you change your hours or shifts to better suit the dc (don’t forget you could also use a childminder if needed). A decent manager will try and help you

Dignity - only talk to him about the dc or matters to the divorce/separation. No begging or talking about it (unless there’s a chance you might want to reconcile) no ‘pick me dance’

Finances/house/business - talk to a solicitor ASAP

Personally I’d be asking him to leave and find somewhere else to live whilst you gather yourself , even if it staying with his mum