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Relationships

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Original poster

DD upset about boyfriend.

17 replies

Winterberriesonatree · 02/02/2019 00:32

DD has a BF of about 9 months, whom we all thought was really nice, he has stayed regularly at our house. She is 27. Earlier today they had an argument.

To cut a long story short BF visited another girl this afternoon, who is a "friend" to comfort her because her Grandad is dying in hospital. After this BF came to our home for dinner, later DD was in the car with him, as they were going to collect his clothes so they could leave from ours to go to a concert tmrw night.

As they set up off the road from our house a message flashed up on BF phone from "H the one and only". The phone was in the area between drivers and passenger seat, easily visible to DD. The message ended with "drive carefully, I can't lose you as well". When challenged he dropped her back at our house and drove off.

DD reasonably concluded that BF now has another girlfriend. She is upset and has talked to a number of her friends who agree with this assessment. All are shocked because it seemed he was very nice.

I have advised her not to contact BF, let him come to her if he can explain this situation rationally, but otherwise don't want to interfere. I think her friends have given similar advice with fewer reservations, mostly just suggesting she should bin him and move on.

Does anyone have any comments to make?

OP posts:

JustHereForThePooStories · 02/02/2019 00:40

I don’t think I’d automatically infer that he was cheating based solely on that one message.

SD1978 · 02/02/2019 00:45

It may be a long standing nickname. Whilst it's reasonable to want answers, assuming he's cheating is unfair and not very adult. A conversations would be better. It's reasonable whilst a relative is dying not to want a friend to do something silly on the road and end up indanger

MrMeSeeks · 02/02/2019 00:47

Wouldn't assume at all, poor girl has lost her relative and bf i being a good frined.

Porridgeoat · 02/02/2019 00:48

Both those messages are the sort of send to a friend or a partner.

Original poster

Winterberriesonatree · 02/02/2019 00:49

JustHereForThePooStories

I have said this and suggested she should be open minded, until he has had a chance to explain. Her own friends of the same age have been much more frank their responses.

The fact remains that her bf has told her she is the "one and only". DD cannot get past the fact that this girl is also now saved on his phone as "H the one and only".

OP posts:

Smotheroffive · 02/02/2019 00:51

My red flag would be bf dropping her back and driving off. If that's how someone reacts when you query something, they can shag off I reckon.

dontgobaconmyheart · 02/02/2019 00:59

I think if your DD is 27, as you say, it's best just to let her get on with it and not interfere to much really, no amount of hypothesising from a range of people that don't know know him or his comings and goings intimately, or know anything about this friend of his are going to be able to reliably do anything other than stir the pot here and add too many cooks to the situation when she is upset.

Why can she not contact him and discuss this with him? i'd have thought most adults would want to do so and clarify what had gone on, clear up potential misunderstandings, and make a decision for themselves on what to do/whether they felt they wanted to end it based on that. if they've been in an adult relationship 9 months and are approaching 30 they surely have the tools to do this and deal with it between themselves. If he's not bothered about doing that then i suspect she'd want to bin him and move on anyway, quite rightly! She'll only be making it worse for herself sadly, by acting like the wounded party without any facts and waiting for him to come to her to sort it out. If she truly believes based on what she's seen that he definitely has another girlfriend, why is she not dumping him? If you are going to do anything OP i would urge her to calm herself down a bit, try to put the shock etc aside and go and talk to her boyfriend as soon as they are both free, with as little drama and interference from drama making friends as possible. Well meaning is not always helpful and it sounds more like a high school thing than an adult situation. She'll be ok in the end!

The whole thing doesn't sound great but without knowing him what can we say, maybe he is on the cusp of cheating, perhaps he's trying to do the right thing by a friend, maybe this friend has feelings for him he doesn't reciprocate...etc

TyneTeas · 02/02/2019 01:10

Could it be something derived from Chesney Hawkes 'The One and Only'?

Like if her name could in some way be linked and that was the H?

(Randomly desperate attempt to make an innocuous link)

But yes as per PPs , at 27 you need to support her to work through this, rather than work through it for her

Walnutwhipster · 02/02/2019 01:16

My closest friend is male. I would send messages like this to him (I'm happily married) but DD's BF's reaction speaks volumes.

Smotheroffive · 02/02/2019 01:23

Why can she not contact him and discuss this with him bacon so I'm guessing you missed that bit in the op then?

Madeline88 · 02/02/2019 01:29

It’s his reaction more then the message. I was cheated on at that age, our friend sent a message to ex which I saw and it made me feel uncomfortable but could have been explained, it was his massive overreaction about it which made it clear what was going on.

Justagirlwholovesaboy · 02/02/2019 01:33

I wouldn’t have been concerned by the contact name, I would be concerned if he dropped her home without explanation. Surely some conversation took place between the two places?

Dvg · 02/02/2019 02:55

pretty much the exact same thing happened to me with my partner but when i questioned him he laughed and told me to read the messages if i must and that she was definitely just a friend and he just wanted to be there for her in a hard time, i did read the messages and did feel very stupid XD They were definitely platonic and "just friends" so i would mostly be questioning his reaction.

He cant care much if he is willing to just drive away, me and my partner would fight for our relationship not just let it slip.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 02/02/2019 03:44

His reaction speaks volumes.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 02/02/2019 03:48

It's his reaction that clinched it surely. But she is 27, don't get too involved!

Changedname3456 · 02/02/2019 08:31

Why does his reaction clinch it? Why is he not allowed to be pissed off that OPs DD doesn’t trust him?

I’d want to know the tone and content of what was said by DD in the car before I judged him for driving her back rather than continuing to the concert. Maybe DD’s been a bit of a drama llama at other times and he’s got a bit pissed off with it all.

Or yes, it could be that he’s cheating with this other girl (or wants to). It’s not the only explanation for his reaction though.

MumsyJ · 02/02/2019 08:45

If she was "just a friend" as they say when they're guilty, he wouldn't have reacted that way.

I'd be livid if I got such a reaction after a text from 'a friend'. Speaks volumes. And OP you're doing the right thing by not getting involved. Hopefully, they get it sorted.

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