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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

This isn't normal, is it?

26 replies

S4dmum · 02/02/2019 00:02

I'm heavily pregnant with our second DC, I also have an anxiety disorder.

DP be great but I'm really struggling with one aspect of the relationship. Sex on days when my mental health isn't good.

I've had a wobble tonight, told him I'm really anxious, i was practicing my breathing exercises to calm myself down.

I can never predict when I'm going to have a bad day/night and unfortunately my wobble coincided with him being on a promise tonight.

I could tell he was disappointed he wouldn't be getting any as he indicated he may aswell get changed for bed. I felt a warped sence of obligation (i know) so i said we could have sex if he really wanted to but I wasn't into it and needed him to be quick. I reiterated I was on the verge of a panic attack.

What upset me was that he was happy to go ahead and do it anyway. He said "You don't need to be anxious" like that made any difference.

Afterwards I was fighting back tears, I'm not sure if he noticed but i was totally silent after he'd finished. I excused myself to the bathroom and he got up, went in the living room and went on his game. He didn't bother to ask if I was ok or not.

I'm guilty of making excuses for him as he's not the most emotionally intelligent man, but his behaviour is selfish and cold isn't it? Wouldn't most partners sensing something was wrong just say "it's ok we don't have to do anything tonight" and perhaps spend a while making sure I was ok.

This is the second time this exact scenario has happened lately. I'm a survivor of previous sexual abuse so my perception is admittedly skewed. I absolutely acknowledge I should have said no but why would he want to go ahead regardless after being told I'm not in a good head space?

OP posts:

Original poster

S4dmum · 02/02/2019 00:05

DP can be great* my post was supposed to say at the beginning.

OP posts:

Original poster

S4dmum · 02/02/2019 00:15

He finally asked if I'm ok half an hour later, cheerfully and breezily when i passed as he chatted to his mate over the headset.

OP posts:

pog100 · 02/02/2019 00:15

Of course it's not normal to want sex with a partner that doesn't want it. You hardly gave enthusiastic consent did you. He's treating you like a sex doll... Yuck

Original poster

S4dmum · 02/02/2019 00:20

That's what upsets me.

If he was sad/down/panicking the last thing I'd want to do is use him for sex after he'd explicitly stated he wasn't feeling right and was on the verge of a panic attack.

OP posts:

MMmomDD · 02/02/2019 00:21

‘On promise’ - what is it? Does he think you owe him sex?
And if you aren’t feeling up to it - does he have no hands?
Anyway - no - not normal for him to go ahead when you so clearly weren’t into it.

But also - not normal for YOU - to feel so obligated. Why are you?
Do you think he’ll leave you if you don’t?

Also - you are having a second child with a seemingly immature and selfish man. Are you protected financially? I hope you aren’t living in his house and aren’t at his mercy as a SAHM... You do realise that as an unmarried mother you have little protection if things go wrong...

GretchenFranklin · 02/02/2019 00:21

Not normal.

I'm sorry, he sounds really selfish. Do you want to stay with him?

RagingWhoreBag · 02/02/2019 00:22

Urgh what’s wrong with him? What sort of a man wants sex with someone who clearly doesn’t want it? There’s a word for men like that.

I’m sorry your H is so unsupportive of your anxiety, but worse than that, his selfish and cold behaviour will be contributing to it.

I know you don’t want to think of it as rape, because you said he could “get it done quickly” but the emphasis should be on enthusiastic and ongoing consent, this is coercion at best.

It’s not ok.

Please don’t ever feel that you owe him sex. There should be no such thing as a promise - sex isn’t something you allow him to have, it should be something you both enjoy and want at the time. If you don’t want it, he can have a wank. Honestly, he won’t explode without it.

He needs to grow the fuck up, start looking after you and his DC and stop thinking with his dick.

Is there anywhere you can go and stay for a few days to get away from him and have a think about what you want to happen next?

showmeshoyu · 02/02/2019 00:23

There are two issues here... you offering yourself up when you're not into it (why?) And him accepting that offer (jesus, wtf?). He definitely needs to not have sex with somebody who isn't into it, that's abhorrent. However, for your own good, you should reconsider why you made that offer.

Not blaming you, the ball is in his court on that one, but for your own sanity, you should evaluate why you're doing that.

Apileofballyhoo · 02/02/2019 00:24

None of that is normal. You should never feel obligated to have sex.

If you hadn't said that you'd go ahead, what would have happened?

showmeshoyu · 02/02/2019 00:25

Do you have a lot of mental health wobbles? I've noticed that it's quite common for partners of people with anxiety to become desensitized to the distress their partner is in due to it being so regular.

WH1SPERS · 02/02/2019 00:27

What the hell is “on a promise “?

IdblowJonSnow · 02/02/2019 00:29

Op that's really not right. Hope you're ok. Please tell him you won't be doing that again ever. Tough shit if he's disappointed, his feelings don't trump yours. Could you get some counselling for your previous abuse?

Original poster

S4dmum · 02/02/2019 00:37

I do have a lot of bad days yes, I've got GAD but prenatal anxiety thrown in on top so I'm not my best self at the minute by any standards. It's entirely possible he's desensitized to it.

By 'on a promise' I meant that we'd agreed to have sex tonight. He'd expressed being in the mood for a certain sexual act yesterday, so I said ok tomorrow (tonight) when you're off work.

Tonight came and I wasn't in the mood but he was still looking forward to it.

He has been unfaithful in the past at a point where he wasn't getting alot of sex, it was a long time ago but it's always in the back of my mind that if he isn't getting any he'd get wandering eyes again.

OP posts:

Hidingtonothing · 02/02/2019 00:39

Lack of enthusiastic consent should be enough even without any distress though showme.

OP I'm so sorry but he's showing you that he's the type of man who sees sex as something he does to you, not with you. It's a horrible realisation, especially as you thought you knew him but it can't be ignored now you know.

For now you need time to process it and work out what you want to do and for that you need space. Whatever you need to do to get that, do it

RagingWhoreBag · 02/02/2019 00:40

Oh no

He wasn’t unfaithful because you didnt put out enough. He cheated because he’s an arsehole who thinks with his penis. If the only way you can keep hold of this prize of a man is by having sex you don’t want when you’re on the verge of a panic attack, he’s not a man worth having. You deserve better.

WH1SPERS · 02/02/2019 01:00

You are allowed to change your mind about having sex. Would you insist if it was the other was around ?

And everything RagingWhoreBag said.

MashedSpud · 02/02/2019 01:09

On a promise....the last time I heard that was in the 80s when my mum would have to do what she didn’t really want to or dad would be a nightmare.

Sex is meant to be fun. Not planned like a trip to the supermarket.

Never do it unless you want to.

Original poster

S4dmum · 02/02/2019 02:28

I posted on here last year (I've name changed since) about the lack of intimacy on my part being a problem and got alot of replies which went along the lines of intimacy being important etc.

I've felt as though it's selfish to deprive him of something he feels he needs as it's an important part of a relationship so I've made sacrifices and gone along with it when he's in the mood and I'm not.

Im so conflicted.

OP posts:

ittakes2 · 02/02/2019 06:58

I’m sorry but you are conflicted because you are not comfortable with something. Something is bothering you - let it out - write it down - say it out loud. You need to be clear - how you feel is how you feel and your feelings are valid. I wonder if you are trying to discount your feelings because you are worried your past feelings from your abuse are affecting how you feel or you are worried your feelings might affect trying to balance your relationship. It doesn’t matter.
One of the most important things I have learned from therapy is that people can’t control their feelings - so you should not pretend they don’t exist or ignore them or judge them - just accept them as feelings and process them. Likewise your partner can’t change his feelings...but it is not the feelings that people have that is the issue - it is what people do about these feelings after they have had them. Write a bullet point list on how you feel, write why you feel this way and write what you would like to happen in the future. Think about what are your choices are if what you want is not something your partner wants and then ask yourself what decision you would make and stay strong. Honey - this is your life - you have every right to be happy and in control of your life - you need to get your confidence back. After you write your list, pick a good time to speak to your partner about it. I’m not asking you to be demanding - I’m just saying you need to get yourself to a place where you are clear on what you really want and why and ask for it.
I went to a parenting course once and I was complaining to the organiser that my son treated me like a slave - and she replied - it’s because you act like a slave. I was quite shocked at the time but it was true and now I apply this to all aspects of my life. What I am trying to say is - your feelings and needs are valid - please respect your own feelings and needs - if you respect your own feelings and needs then it’s likely other people will too.

Scott72 · 02/02/2019 06:59

He shouldn't have done this. This is why promising sex at a later time, or making rain cheques for it etc. is just a bad idea in my opinion. Did you clearly communicate that you really didn't feel like it? But he shouldn't have done it.

You need to sit down and talk about this night, and about your sex life. Hopefully he recognizes he did wrong. But it seems you are pushing yourself to have as much sex as you reasonably can. If this is considerably less than what he would like, and assuming he's not being unreasonable (like every day) you have to recognize this is a fundamental incompatibility and its time to reconsider the future of the relationship. Plus he's an asshole apparently.

Scott72 · 02/02/2019 07:10

I read itakes comment, and I agree with that too. If you don't want sex or don't want to do anything else, say so, clearly and decisively. Are you worried he'll get frustrated? Then he gets frustrated, but that's better than you making yourself stressed and miserable. Are you worried he may ultimately divorce you? That may be an option, and if it comes to that you will both be happier in the long run.

Monty27 · 02/02/2019 09:44

You should have passed him a wank sock

ChristmasFluff · 02/02/2019 10:17

I wonder how much less anxious you would be if you weren't with this man?

AppleBlossomArseCheeks · 02/02/2019 10:22

I don't understand how anyone that can be turned on by someone being sad or unhappy etc. He needs to gain some self respect and some respect for you and get some sort of sex device. Like a fleshlight or something and he also needs to learn how to take your feelings into consideration.

Also totally not right to want sex with some one who has clearly stated they are not into it at the present moment.

showmeshoyu · 02/02/2019 10:24

You should have passed him a wank sock

I knew somebody who did that so much he ran out and had to wear a fleshlight on each foot to go to work.

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