Which bit of arguing do you hate most?

[Christmasfairy07]

Obviously arguing is not great ( feeling crappy now after a row this afternoon) but there are certain parts I hate more than others. The main thing that really drives me mad with DH is that he will ask me what the problem is ( when often it’s obvious as we are already falling out over it) then have a go at me when I try to tell him! Then I’ll get exasperated & say “Well you asked” & then he’ll tell me not to shout! He gets me so frustrated that sometimes I do end up shouting. Another thing I hate is that he rarely does!

I hate feeling like a boring nag... like why do I have to be the bad guy? But if I'm not then I just have to ignore whatever was bothering me... and I'd just feel bitter and it would build up resentment so i cant win either way! I hate arguing... I resent having to argue.

The reason I feel extra crappy is because this doesn’t happen very often anymore but it used to be pretty much my life & it’s not really arguing - it’s more that DH says or does something unreasonable & then somehow the resulting “ conversation” gets twisted so that it’s my fault eg according to him I misinterpreted what he said or in most cases how he said it. I know that I should do the same as with DD & walk away before it turns nasty but I always want to stand my ground & get my point across, even if it probably won’t be listened to.

What kind of unreasonable things is he doing?

To give an example from this afternoon ( it sounds silly written down but it’s hard to explain exactly what he does) - I went into the office & just remarked that the clock was wrong so I changed it & for some reason he decided to have a go at me & turn it into a big deal. He’d never mentioned not needing that clock before but suddenly he was telling me that he didn’t ever want it & it had just been put in his office whilst DD’s room was being painted. He ended up taking the battery out then after I put it back, removed it again! And afterwards he insisted he hadn’t made it into a big deal. As I said, when he used to get like that in the past I should have walked away & that’s what I should have done as soon as he started to make a simple act into a “ thing”. Sometimes in the past I really believed he enjoyed deliberately provoking me then almost “ telling me off” for being provoked! Thank goodness it rarely happens now.

He sounds like he has some problems with authority or lack of control.

So would walking away be best? Maybe give him time to realise how silly it is?

More worried that your poor dd has to walk away from him 'before it turns nasty'

He sounds angry and petty. He needs counseling, to help him deal with it. If he can't, you should leave.

If it used to happen a lot and hasn't for a long time but suddenly he's done it again, Is there any chance that something has happened which has made him act out at home, which then resolved but now something else might be going on?

Not trying to excuse him being a jerk but his actions sound slightly like mine when my borderline isn't under control and I'm in a bad funk. I can literally look for fault in anything. It'll actually feel like a genuine problem even if it's actually something really stupid.

As for what I dislike most about arguing, I think it has to be the fact that I've just come onto the relationship section for the first time because I need to make a post myself, except I don't want to, I just want the cause of the arguing to resolve so the arguing and resentment stops. It's me who instigates the arguing. It's over housework, generally. Various aspects of it. From the actual housework, to the attitudes of my partner and my kids, comments which are made, the way I'm taken for granted and the fact I'm feeling so disrespected I'm in tears all the time at the moment. Including now.

Otherwise, we are the best partnership, we have an amazing quirky little family unit.

Has your partner ever mentioned depression or any trauma in his past or potential ptsd recently or in the past?

Ruddy it isn’t DD walking away from DH, it’s me walking away from DD to try to defuse her meltdowns.
DH was diagnosed with mild depression a couple of years ago ( when the bad times came to a head)but he won’t take anything & hasn’t been to individual counselling. We are both going to DDP though which is helping & DH has had a couple of sessions on his own. I did ask him yesterday if anything has happened but he said nothing was wrong. He did say sorry & that he wasn’t deliberately trying to upset me but I think I was more exasperated than anything else. He has very low self - esteem ( not trying to excuse him being a bit of an arse sometimes!) & I think his need to be in control stems from that.