Unusual start to relationship

[NoEscape94]

I've known my boyfriend for about a year now but our relationship has been very confusing from the start. We started speaking all day everyday via text from the beginning but hardly saw each other in person. We saw each other once a fortnight for a couple of hours for the first 6 months I knew him. In that time we also went 3 weeks without seeing each other, and then again a month after that. It wasn't as if we didn't have the means to see each other, I live less than half an hour away from him and we both have cars, we just never seemed to see each other more. He'd very rarely initiate seeing each other, so it always got left to me to ask if he actually wanted to meet up. He seemed keen once I suggested it but sometimes he'd say he was busy and had other plans. I feel like as a result of all this the "relationship" between us took a very very long time to progress. I never knew where I stood with him and never felt close enough to ask him until about 6 months in, to which he replied that we were seeing each other. I asked again about 9 months in and he said he just assumed we were a couple, despite the fact we'd never discussed it and were only seeing each other about once a week at this point

Honestly, the whole thing has been so confusing and impacted on my mental health really badly. At the start I wasn't too bothered by it all as I wasn't ready to jump into a relationship so wanted it to progress slowly, but after about half a year I realised that this was a very unnatural speed to progress. He didn't invite me to his house until 10 months in, didn't introduce me to his family until 11 months in and I haven't met any of his friends. He has never said I love you and rarely compliments me. Even though this sounds like he has been seeing someone else, I honestly don't believe he has, mainly because of how often has he texted me and just his personality. We now see each other twice a week and I've started telling him how all this stuff makes me feel. He has improved, and started asking to see me, complimenting me, etc. He also talks about the future, but not directly. I feel like he is very emotionally cold and he recently told me he struggles to get close to people because he's rushed into things in the past and gotten hurt. Fair enough that stuff can be difficult, but in my opinion it's really not appropriate to be using that as an excuse a year into a relationship.

I do feel like our relationship is progressing and like he's finally making an effort, and I really do care for him. But I am struggling to get over how emotionally cold he's been to me for a year. I just can't help thinking it was a really taxing and unnatural way to start a relationship. I guess I'm also upset that our relationship never had that exciting stage as well and we don't have date when got together, etc. I appreciate that I probably shouldn't have allowed all this to happen, but last year I went through a lot of stressful things in my life and this kind of just took a back seat. I'm starting to feel unfulfilled because I'd expect the relationship to be a lot more developed at this point and it's not. He's finally making an effort but it's just not making me as happy as it should, and I feel it may be due to how he's treated in the past. I guess I'm struggling whether I should hold on and see if the changes he's making are working, or give up.

Hmm

this sounds like he has been seeing someone else, I honestly don't believe he has, mainly because of how often has he texted me and just his personality.

His personality is nothing to do with that. Men of all personality types engage in subterfuge.

The fact that you've never met his friends and he's never said he loves you are both ENORMOUS red flags.

Do you know where he works? Are you on his social media?

"Honestly, the whole thing has been so confusing and impacted on my mental health really badly."

The start of a relationship should be fun and exciting. This relationship sounds rubbish, to be honest, and it's unlikely to get any better. He's making an effort... but it shouldn't be any effort for him to show you he cares for you. You need to bring this to an end because otherwise you're going to end up miserable.

Is he really making enough effort?

Your happiness comes first and whereby you're not happy in this weird paced relationship, have that chat with him and end this.

I don't see why people enter into a relationship if they haven't moved on from the past. Does he not understand you've got feelings and his shit pace of doing things hurts?

I believe if a relationship isn't progressing, no point wasting your time. You should still be in your honeymoon phase, but clearly that's non existent in this case. No point wasting your time with him. Simples!

Exactly as poster above says, new relationships are meant to be fun and exciting and you literally bore the life out of anyone talking about how great new partner is etc.
If it’s this confusing and troubling your mental health then I suggest you may need to get out now before you get too involved. You deserve better

He doesn't sound like a mean person. You just have different expectations of what you want. Do you mind me asking how old you are? - I'm thinking you are either really young.....or you are both much older. If the first.....then I think you move on and find someone on your wave length. You need someone you can have fun with who gets you. If you are both older......do you really want to be with this man? Does he improve your life? Can you tell him anything? (Not in a have a go way....just in a 'can I talk to you about what I want from life....' way. Maybe he's happy with a twice a week girlfriend....it sounds like you want to move in together.....does he ever want this? If you have different ideas of the ending it doesn't sound good.

Not worth bothering with! Dump him. Plenty more fish in the sea.

I had a 'relationship' like this too that I allowed to drag on for far too long, like a couple of years. When I realised it was never going to progress and that I'd only allowed it to be like this as a result of my low self esteem I knew it had to end.

Now being in a much better place I realise that anyone where you end up googling or asking about their behaviour is a massive red flag, a normal relationship just isn't like that. I would move on from this you will never get what you need emotionally, men like this are completely detached.

I have no idea whether he’s cheating on you or not, in fact nobody knows the answer to that.

However the truth is OP, you shouldn’t have to ask the man your with to be making an effort. After just 1 year you shouldn’t have to tell him what to do and what to say to make you feel wanted. It should be fun, exciting and happy! Any relationship that’s damaging to your mental health is not the right relationship, regardless of how long you’ve been together

Do you really want to be with someone who’s dragging their feet? Where everything is on their terms? You deserve better

What do you do in the time you spend together? Do you stay over at each other’s place, do you go out together? Does he go out with his friends without you? Have you been on holiday together?

Good grief, it shouldn't be this hard.

You're missing out on so much by fixating on making this "relationship" work. It's all you driving it.

Let it go. Take a bit of time out, and then find someone who is keen on you, wants to be with you, who it's fun and easy and it just flows with.

I'd dump him too. The first year of a relationship is meant to be exciting/fun, you want to see each other all the time. Don't waste anymore of your life trying with him when he clearly cba

My closest friend sounds very like your boyfriend . Eerily so, I must admit , so I may be able to give you his angle and that might help? The differences are that he has told his girlfriend that he loves her and she has met his friends recently .. after approx a year. She pushed and pushed to meet his family and he finally gave in . She has met them briefly on two occasions . He is a wonderful friend but I would hate to be his girlfriend as his friends, social life, love of adventure/ travel / sport and mainly his family are his number one priorities . His girlfriend comes last . However , she enables this and hangs around waiting for the calls/ texts and suggestions . He does meet her twice a week but only when he has nothing better to do . He is made up to have met someone who accepts this and as she has had a horrible history of relationships, he feels like he is a type of Knight in shining armour .

She is a lovely sweet kind girl. I like her very much . She was a month finished with a very long term relationship when she pursued him and was quite clingy and needy . He could not cope with this . My friend and I had a significant argument before Christmas as in my opinion, he was boasting about how good a boyfriend he was despite treating her mean .. keeping her on the hook , so to speak.

He is full of words , but rarely backs up with actions but maintains that he is an excellent partner who cares very deeply for her . He has his own issues that impact on their relationship and she accepts this despite sacrificing her own needs . So both people are getting their needs met in many ways.. she wants a relationship at any cost and he wants acceptance and to live as selfishly as he wants .

Relationship at any cost, OP?

Oh dear goodness, I only read the first two paragraphs and the advice is 'he's just not that into you'. Book or film, as you'd rather xx