Hi, I need to put a stop to something and would love some advice.
I reconnected with a guy from college via Facebook messenger last July. We did not know each other well. We live 30 minutes apart and got chatting after coincidentally commenting on the same obscure thing on Facebook. We're 43.
We've become very close. Emotionally. We confide, we chat, we laugh, we seek advice.
His wife left him for OM in spring 2017 in circumstances that were particularly humiliating, gossip ensued. He was a terrible mess, family worried, signed off work. This is relevant.
Messages became very intense and sexual in October. We were extremely close by now, talking about everything.
Between Christmas and NYE we unexpectedly bumped into each other in a bar in a city near where we live. He'd seen me when I walked in (I didn't spot him) and said he felt very nervous about approaching me but plucked up the courage. We ended up kissing. We both felt it was really intense and messaged about it afterwards. He said he's infatuated. I feel likewise.
We continue to message daily but nothing has happened re meeting up. I'm sick of hearing about how gorgeous I am and how he thinks about me constantly - I want to go out on proper dates. Maybe have a relationship.
This week, it was exactly a month since that chance meeting in the pub and exactly six months since we started to chat, and it got me thinking that this is ridiculous.
Just after being dumped by his ex wife he started online dating and ended up casually seeing someone. They meet weekly. There is no romantic spark but he says she's lovely and kind - reading between the lines she's a safe sort of person, loyal, inexciting and reliable, unlike his ex. However, she seems to have developed strong feelings. He feels guilty about this because it's unrequited. She's had a pretty tough life and has several health issues. She's very nice and he's too cowardly to end it for fear of hurting her, despite various people such as his parents and best mate saying that she's really lovely but not right for him, no chemistry. I empathise because I've done this in the past, with boyfriends who've liked me too much. I've also been on the receiving end, once. But despite understanding, I'm tired of it, from my point of view and hers.
Last week, I suggested a coffee and he "liked" the post but every day since he's messaged chattily avoiut the snow, Brexit, work, rugby, home improvements....no mention of that coffee. I've replied to him politely, in a distant way (no pet names, flirting, kisses etc and no counter-questions in response to his questions) but tonight he's messaged breezily with some family news - he clearly hasn't taken the hint.
How do I shut this down without being horrid? I'm gutted and will miss him but I want a proper partner not an online thing. I feel so bad because I drove this at the beginning, not him, and I knew about the devastation his ex wife left behind.