Feeling wretched

[dragonstitcher]

DH had one of his 1am paddies last night because I was too tired for bedsport. I should have learned not to take any notice of his character assasinations by now, but as I have been feeling down on myself already, now I feel like one of the lowest of the low. 'Washed out old hag' is one of the few things that I won't consent to though.

We go through this about 3 or 4 times a year. He is 59 and I am 38. He doesn't show much interest in anything I say or do and complains and critisises all the time. All he is interested in is how much housework I get done, what's for tea and how many times a month he gets sex. I have mild endometriosis, I am 'on' for 2 weeks out of 4 but suffer pain when we do have sex perhaps 2 or 3 times a month. I think that he thinks it's in my head or just an excuse. Not only that but I don't feel loved, just used.

He can be a really nice bloke when he's in a good mood, but a lot of the time I wish that he would carry out his threats to leave. He won't because he has too much to loose.

Soryy no advice other than to say men can be b***ds sometimes can't they. Lots of hugs, poor old you.

Life is too short IMO. Get rid. What do you have to loose?

What a miserable old prick he is.

Shame on him! Put your foot down quick before you find it lodged up his arse! (Well, either/or will do!)

You're a washed out old hag at 38? Hardly! I'm ten years older than you, girlie, and I ain't old. Sounds like he's trying to drag you down in order to make himself feel better about being bus pass material.

Your not-so-DH sounds rather like my STBXH (who spookily is the same age as yours). I'm about half way through divorcing him.

DS

I do not advocate this lightly but you need to seriously reapparise your relationship with a view to leaving it. He has run you down to almost nothing and will continue to destroy you emotionally the longer you let him. He'll never leave; he's on to far good a thing with you as his doormat to walk over.

Deep pain during sex is highly indicative of endometriosis and it is a real and serious disease to live with. It can and does impact on daily life.

Why are you with him exactly - is it the old chestnut, "because I love him". Well if this is so he's certainly not giving you same back.

"He can be a really nice bloke when he's in a good mood" - that comment is so fatuous it breaks my heart. Such men are rarely if ever in a good mood. Emotionally abused women often put such a gloss on things when it is all too apparant that their man is a pig of the first order.

Womens Aid are a good point of contact if you want support.

agree with atilla.i dont know about endometriosis and i hope what im going to say doesnt sound like im dismissing it, im just sharing my experience with you.
what i want to say is that i was, years ago, in a relationship with a man where sex physically hurt. he would call me frigid, and i believed i was. when i finally split up from him i discovered i really, really enjoyed sex and it didn't hurt.
so, i guess it was "in my head", but that didnt make it less significant. what it was was my heart telling me I SHOULD LEAVE HIM. my cunt knew what my brain didn't.
after i left him i felt happier and freer than i ever had. every day seemed delightful to me, you know what dragonstitcher, my ex was a really nice bloke when he was in a good mood too.
what helped me leave was this trick that i still do now: imagine you are looking into a crystal ball at your future, say 5 years down the line. and what you see is EXACTLY the situation you have now. are you happy with that vision? if you are, stay with it. if you aren't, leave. because for years i would say that i would stay with it IF IT CHANGED, and all that bollocks about how if he was different, or i was different, and it was all if's and buts, but however i imagined things being if they changed, i certainly wasnt happy with them how they were.
dragonstitcher - leave.

Well, he didn't phone me from work all day yesterday and I didn't phone him either. He came home from work with an 'I'm annoyed with you' face on. I spoke enough just to be polite and got on with stuff. I made tea for the girls but not for us then sat in front of the TV with my knitting. I paced for a bit and then asked if there was any tea.

I didn't know what to do at that point. I wanted to say 'I'm not hungry, get your own tea' but I caved and made us tea.

Sometime in the evening his annoyed face wore off and he started acting 'normal' - almost friendly and maybe as nothing had happened.

Bedtime he huffed and puffed as though he were waiting for me to make a move. I went to sleep and woke up this morning after he had left for work. Haven't heard from him yet.

I don't know what to do. I scared to tell him it's over. I don't have anywhere to go and neither does he. (He made it quite clear the other night that he would never let me have the house. The mortgage is in his name only thanks to my x-h financial mess my name was involved in). We both know that the marriage isn't perfect but we both carry on like we pretend we don't notice. It only becomes obvious when he wants sex and I don't. He wants me to make more of an effort with the house and with him, but I just don't want to. I can't see why I should when he doesn't but he thinks going out to work and paying the mortgage is enough.

I was considering phoning Womens Aid today, but my 11 yo DD and 19yo stepson are at home so I can't see that happening today.

Damn - typing error. I didn't pace and ask for tea, he did.

If you're married, and the house is the marital home, then it doesn't matter whether he'd 'let' you have the house.

Is Relate or similar an option? I know you want out, but couples counselling might get you a 'good' divorce, which would be worth it for the sake of your DD and SS ...

Yes are you married? If so the house is 50% yours and if you had children under 16 living with you then you would probably get more?

Yes I am married. I have three girls aged 7, 11 and 15. My 2 stepsons who don't live with us full time are nearly 18 and nearly 20. The 20yo goes to uni in Sept.

see if you can get some free solicitor advice I think you can get something called a muster where you have the right to stay in the house with the children until the youngest is 18 and then you sell it and split it?

That is if you def want a divorce?

I went to a solicitor last time he had one of his paddies. I know that I can stay in the house even though he threatens not to let me. The problem is getting him to leave it. He has no intention leaving the house and I can't force him. His plan seems to be to sit tight and I have to make all the compromises to make living together bearable.

well I suppose I would leave, move into rented (have you got any overdraft, access to savings), start divorce proceedings and force the sale of the house but that is me. Womens aid would help you, but you could just start divorce proceedings whilst living in the same house?????

Would he consider couples counselling, to help you both figure out what to do? You can go to counselling even if you're definately planning to leave (lots of people do), but it might well help you get things sorted out nicely.

He refuses to go to counselling. We had 18 months of family therapy that didn't help at all. In fact it made him worse.

No I don't have any spare cash or any overdraft. I loose my bank account if I even go a £1 overdrawn because I was forced to make myself bankrupt 6 years ago (down to x-h). I'm not in a place where I can think about divorce yet.