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Relationships

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Original poster

Is it ever OK for the woman to make the first move?

51 replies

Bloodredheart · 01/02/2019 17:57

I'm hopeless at dating. There is someone who I'm extremely attracted to, but he seems to go from being shy and nervous to being aloof, then showing obvious interest. He's lovely and I don't want to pass this by. I feel there's so much we have in common and a great deal we could talk about.

How do I go about this? Or should I follow convention and let him pursue me and follow the old age rule of "if he's interested, he'll move in"?

OP posts:

Belenus · 01/02/2019 19:44

It doesn't have to be as obvious as a move, as such. Work out some flimsy excuse to get his email address. Start emailing each other. Find some, possibly equally flimsy, excuse to meet up. Before you know it you're going on dates.

One of you has to show some form of interest in the other to start the ball rolling or you'll never get anywhere.

Wigeon · 01/02/2019 19:47

I asked out my now DH. In 1999. Married 15.5 years. Nothing ventured nothing gained!

RomanticFatigue · 01/02/2019 19:52

I did!
I posted about it on here at the time, in a complete panic after I'd texted him. Twas great fun

HazelBite · 01/02/2019 19:59

If I hadn't made the first move I wouldn't have been happily married for the last 40+years.
DH was painfully shy, and said he would have never approached me!
Go for it!

Palaver1 · 01/02/2019 20:07

Yes very okay

Original poster

Bloodredheart · 01/02/2019 20:09

Chasingsquirrels on Monday. I don't want to say much else on that, other than it may be a factor in why he has yet to make a clear move/why he might have decided not to.

OP posts:

Chasingsquirrels · 01/02/2019 20:13

Well, hope one of you says something 🙂

CF43 · 01/02/2019 20:27

I fancy a guy at work when we first met at work he said he wasn't married but i'm getting divorced and everyone keeps calling me Mrs all the time although I've asked them not to now.

Sometimes he smiles at me and I thinks he's nervous as I had to take a pupil to him for help and his hands were shaking when I got near, but does that mean anything. He's always smiling when no-one is around but that's it.

It's been18 years since I last had to do anything like this got any tips.

how do i know if he's even interested or just being nice
what to do about it without getting talked about in the staff room.

ChristmasFlary · 02/02/2019 11:20

CF43 l think going by your other threads, you have enough to contend with without adding a relationship in the mix.

ooooohbetty · 02/02/2019 14:52

If you work in a school don't ask him. It'll be staff room fodder for months.

lubeybooby · 02/02/2019 14:58

yep - been blissfully happy with my dp for 6 years now and that wouldn't have happened if I hadn't made the first move. He was lacking confidence and really doesn't pick up on signals too well, I had to make it obvious and bam - perfect partner! Not saying it will be the right person each time of course but it's definitely worth a go

Puggles123 · 02/02/2019 15:00

Yes! Some men are shy just as some women are :)

NotTheFordType · 02/02/2019 17:30

If you are colleagues, then the easiest way to find out if he's single is to sneak a look at his next of kin form.

KIDDING!

Ask "What did you get up to this weekend?"
If he says "Not much, we went shopping/to the pub/watched a film/went for a walk" you can assume he's partnered.
If he says "Not much, just bought Resident Evil 2 so spent it being a nerdy gamer I'm afraid!" you can assume he's single, although you may think twice about his relationship with his Xbox :D

BTW this is an excellent low key way to fend off subtle advances by colleagues: just always refer to "us" as in "me and my other half/husband/wife/etc were thinking of going to Edinburgh next weekend but the weather's putting us off" or "great weekend thanks, we went to the missus's parents". Signals "I am partnered and not interested, thank you" without embarrassing either of you.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 02/02/2019 17:59

Yes it's ok but personally I've found the men who have chased me and pursued me have always been the ones to treat me better. When single I'd make it known I like someone but then it's down to them. I find guys who are too scared to make a move unattractive.

futuredayspast · 02/02/2019 19:09

Of course it's ok! I made the first move on my now husband - though to be fair I was 19 and bladdered; since you're an actual adult (and possibly colleagues?) you might want to try a slightly more sophisticated approach than mine

If I'd given it any rational thought at the time I'd have concluded that a man who objected to a woman making the first move wasn't someone I'd want to be involved with anyway.

Belenus · 02/02/2019 19:43

Ask "What did you get up to this weekend?"

Or ask if he has plans for a week on Thursday. Although that in itself could look like a move. But as much as I loath valentine's day, at least things will become clear one way or the other.

But if you make it clear to someone you like them, that is making a move. I do wish women wouldn't do this thing of assuming they have to be passive and it's down to the man, when actually you are making a move.

CF43 · 03/02/2019 12:10

Yes, not really looking just be nice to have some fun for a change, might have to invest in a vib its been a very long dry spell.

Can't a girl have some fun. He's been nice and friendly but nothing more so guess he's not interested.

Maybe I should buy a dog to keep me company when my son his with his dad, cat's just are not the same thing, love my cat to bits but she's like whatever and goes back to sleep.

Katgurl · 03/02/2019 12:25

How do you know him OP? Do you talk in person or online?

I would go with something flirty and lighthearted

"Any plans blah blah? Are you coupled up? Well in that case it might be an idea to ask me out for a coffee."

Big friendly smile all the way through. He doesn't have to answer on the spot but you've basically asked him out.

hazandduck · 04/02/2019 21:53

How did you get on, OP?

CF43 · 05/02/2019 16:14

I'm not looking at the moment, the guy I'm sort of interested seems to talk to everyone else but me. So guess that;s not interested either.

I have enough on at the moment anyway.

AryaStarkWolf · 05/02/2019 16:53

It's not 1954 you know!

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 05/02/2019 17:03

It’s fine but only if you think you can tolerate a very shy man.
It wouldn’t work for me.

I’ve asked loads of blokes I really fancied out and most of them have said yes. Not because they were interested but because they hadn’t got anything better to do.
I like knowing that the man is at least interested enough to suggest a drink.

MoyoGaza · 07/02/2019 12:44

@ooooohbetty, I agree with you. It might have worked for some and I do understand all this 'it's 21st century business', but I really hope Bloodredheart will not ask the guy out!
Some things are not meant to change with the times. But rather I hope you will do the 'courting dance' i.e show the guy just enough signs that you are interested in him - then let him pursue you. Let him overcome his shyness and nervousness for you. That's being ladylike. Don't act desperate, play it cool and let him ask you out. That you are even asking for advice shows a certain uneasiness on your part. I'd say you are right - don't follow the majority advise on this one. You are worth it. Don't throw yourself in the laps of a man!!

hellsbellsmelons · 07/02/2019 13:15

Boooo...No update.
OP, do a bit of digging to ensure he's not attached. Facebook, if you have his full name.
Then ask him out for a coffee if he's single.

Cosmoplease · 07/02/2019 15:28

I hope so, or lesbians would be screwed

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