What do I do ??

[N1415]

I've been with my partner for a while now, we have our own house, very stable jobs and we love each other a lot.

He has a 5 year old from a previous relationship whom I love dearly and we have a fantastic bond.

However, when the topic arises regarding our future together as a couple, I end up feeling so deflated and unsure if this is for me.

I love him with all my heart and do not want to jeopardise our family but he doesnt want marriage or kids.

At first he was dead cert on the idea of us just staying how we are forever...and then a few months later he was ready to have a baby...and now he's back to "not definitely never but I don't want a baby and I don't know if I'll ever change my mind"

Not having a baby is not an option for me. So am I supposed to stay and hope that one day he changes his mind? Or do I leave and try and start a life somewhere else?

I have already tried to express my feelings to him and I completely respect his wishes (as everyone is entitled to get what they want from their own life) but the conversation is shut down before I can even string a sentence.

I'm hoping someone can just give me an outsider perspective on this or hopefully this resonates with someone's previous experience.

Thanks.

My husband didn't want to get married, didn't want children and was very career orientated. I thought I was the same but at 31 decided that I wanted to have children. I know this was very unfair of me but the feeling was overwhelming. I decided that if he was unwilling to have children then I would have to move on. I explained how I felt and he was under no illusion that I really meant it. We were married 5 months later and our daughter arrived 9 months after that. Neither of us have ever regretted it and we are together 25 years later. You need to decide whether having children is a complete deal breaker or whether you would resent him if you didn't have one. If it is a deal breaker then you have to be firm about it but you must be prepared to move on if he disagrees as obviously it would not be fair to trick him or force him into having a child he doesn't want.

If you definitely want to have children - you need to tell him and be prepared to walk away.
Women don’t have the luxury of waiting for a man to decide forever.
While he - may always change his mind and leave you later for a younger model and have kids then.

So - really yo to you. But please - don’t give up on having children in order to keep a man. No man is worth it. And also - he can always... (see above)

It would be a deal breaker for me I'm afraid.

How old are you both?
He is telling what he wants and doesn't want.
You want something different.
Neither of you are wrong but now you know you can take some action.
If you want DC then don't wait around for him to 'change his mind'
You are no longer compatible.
It is sad but you need to think about you and your future now.

We're both mid twenties. I think the problem is that he had a very bad past experience with his little boys mum; and he's probably quite worried of that happening again and having 2 children with 2 different mum's (not that there is anything wrong with that)

You want different things. He might tell you it’s a maybe to keep you hanging on but he won’t ever keep any promises because his wants from life fundamentally differ from yours. You can waste more time if you like but I would suggest you move on.

You need a very frank conversation about this and demand an answer. My ex fobbed me off for years. I left when I was 40. Too late really to meet someone else and get to the point of starting a family. I got shut down every time I brought it up. I’m 44 and childless now. I stayed far too long, years too long. It hurts now. I should have been braver. All I ever wanted was a family. Don’t be me

Mid 20s...hmm.

If you were over 30 I'd be saying something different, but time is on your side in terms of your fertility.

He has had his child quite early in life - before he was fully grown up, really. It sounds like his experience with his DC's mum was very formative.

You could just drop the whole subject for a couple of years, then revisit to see if things have changed.

The most off-putting thing, though, is that he's shutting you down when you want to discuss it. (Unless you've been bringing it up every day and basically going "Ah go on, you will, you will, you will!")

I wouldn't wait iiwy.

It was spectacularly cruel of him to say yes then no. And now won't let you even broach the subject.

Call me cynical but I'd take with a pinch of salt the experience he says he had with his son's mother.

In the past I've told him that it isn't fair to say yes and then no... if you're going to keep changing your mind then keep it to yourself. Which is maybe the reason he shuts me down about it now?

I don't know. I just don't want to leave as we have a mortgage, a rescue dog and a fantastic family when his little boy comes around. But then I think, is all that worth never having the only thing I want from life?

For me it wouldn't be enough

Explain once more that not trying for a baby will be a deal breaker for you.
Set a deadline for yourself, not one that you need to share with him incidentally, and prepare yourself for ending the relationship at that stage if DP is still not able to commit.
Time is on your side so give it a year or two if you really love him.

I've recently spoken to his mum about it. She thinks he'll change his mind once everything has died down with his son's mum (as they're going through court currently). But if he doesn't then I don't want to be 40 l, single and childless